September 22, 2006
V. is still the only man I've been able to open my heart and with whom I didn't need to hide.
It was all so natural, beautiful, in the right place.
I think with anyone else I will have to fight.

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Back in March, my boss, had a sort of ischaemia. I found it today.. Gosh, I didn't know it
! It's serious!!

B. & I waked up at 7.20 -- I had to go to get some papers.
We started carress each other, and that excited us and he penetrated me from behind… until he had an orgasm ...
After breakfast, we were on the couch and after a little caresses I sucked him -- very bad idea after having breakfast, btw.
But after that... wow… I was on his knees, my head on his shoulder, my naked breast on his chest, his hand on my back. Again, he talked about him taking photo of me -- I do not want it that right now...Going to my job, I made a stop at my mom's house and chat with her for a while -- now she knows of me and Bruno.
In office, then, I have opened the mail and find a mail of V. that made me want to run to him, hold him, and tell him I am sorry I am sorry I am sorry but I cannot turn back time after what I have done, even if I feel like shit, I am stepping into a new life..

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An old note without date, written before my betrayal.

day dreamer and sons
my perception of the things is changing...
what was important before, now seems useless, an obstacle to my “realization” or whatever we want to call it.
And I became an incredible “day dreamer”. I imagine situations, events, small things that I would want to live and I do not know if they will ever come true.
And for the first time in my life I felt the desire for one family, a one that could be different from mine.
Where the sons can be encourage, can find their ways with the aid of their parents, whose task, I am sure, is to support them.
I do not know if I'll have kids one day. And probably I won't be the mother I want to be.
But only the fact that I am thinking about it it's strange for me. I have always thought about myself alone, I've never saw mysekf with a mate besides me. Now I am doing it.
And the thought that these day dreams can fall apart scares me like hell.

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I had another place where I put my thoughts and all my stuff to remember.
But the guy I am sorta with right now found it and now he's reading it regularly.
That makes me want to move to another place, coz I cannot be sincere if I know someone is reading my inner thoughts.
My most intimate experiences, my most inner true.
This is for me -- it's ok if strangers read it, but I cannot stand this to be done by somebody close to me.
I asked him not to look for my blog -- but he's always doing the opposite of what u ask him.
You forbid him something, that's what he wants the most.

So, now I have a new identity, a new blog and other white pages to fill so that I can throw out all this that I don't want to share with anybody else.
This sounds childish, I know.
I am.