Aries
O’kay. Let’s not pull any punches here. Let’s be brutally honest. Whitney Houston is an Aries. Chaka Khan is an Aries. Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross, Celine Dion and Rosie O’Donnell all share your sign. Why are you all such loud mouths? Really. You need to sit down and shut up. Have you ever thought that maybe your friends don’t want your advice? Dammit! It must be all that Martian shit. Just relax. It’s all good. Everything is A O’kay. So what if your peeps don’t like who you’re sleeping with. So what if your addictions interfere with your ability to function in society. Don’t trip. It’s all good. Get wasted at least twice this week on your drug of choice. Alcohol included. Punch a hole in the bedroom wall during sex. That should freak your partner out right? You’re doin’ it, you’re going at it, sexing’ and lovin’ -- then baaaam! You karate a hole into the wall right above the bed post. Trust the stars, Mars. Be courageous. Lotto #'s 18 21 24 34 40 48
Taurus
You need to chill. Possessions don’t make you who you are. Your lucky numbers 6 and 4 do. Think about it. There are probably countless scenarios threaded throughout your life in which the numbers 6 and 4 make themselves evident. Really. Think about it. No really. It’s true. I mean, I’m actually surprised that your Venus-ruled ass hasn’t realized this until now. It’s obvious. Focus on those numbers and things will always be true to your astrological course. Seriously. Lotto#'s (6 4) 16 22 24 35 43
Gemini
It’s time to start paying more attention to your health. You may have some problems lurking under the surface that you are unaware of or have just plain pushed out of your head. It’s time to discover what’s really going on with your body. Visit your physician. Do a complete examination. This examination might reveal evidence that eases your mind, but more than likely you have a serious problem that truly needs to be addressed. Stop avoiding it. It’s not just going to go away because you don’t pay it any attention. Whatever the case things don’t look good. Spend as much time with your loved ones as you can, because you really never know when your time here on earth could be spontaneously cut short. Life’s crazy like that. With your level of health it’s even crazier. Tell everyone you love them. Now’s a good time to put your will in writing. Lose some weight to extend what time you do have and give yourself more energy. Sorry. It’s in the stars. Lotto#'s 19 24 30 32 46 49
Cancer
Your partner needs to be told what you’re thinking. That’s the only way they’ll know what you’re thinking. They’re not psychic…are they? Well, are they? Think about it. If you want more sex tell them. Just say “Look, we should fuck more often!” If you want them to quit drinking or smoking just be like “Damn, nigga. You gotta smoke and get drunk all da muthafuckin’ time? Huh? Shhiiiit. Yo’ bitch ass need to take a muthafuckin’ break up in this muthafucka.” Honesty is the best policy. The same goes for the work place. This week is going to be especially hectic. So, don’t take any kind of crap from anybody. Mow over anyone who can’t seem to keep up, anyone who slows you down. Use your stapler as a weapon. Open it up and aim it at lazy co-workers, then click staples at them. For special people press it against the back of their necks and impale them with the sharp metal stationary tools. Bend paper clips into two pronged forks, then use rubber bands to catapult them across cubicles and into people’s lines of vision. This is very important. It’s in the stars for you to do this. Lotto#'s 14 23 36 38 39 49
Leo
Your partner needs to be told what you’re thinking. That’s the only way they’ll know what you’re thinking. They’re not psychic…are they? Well, are they? Think about it. If you want more sex tell them. Just say “Look, we should fuck more often!” If you want them to quit drinking or smoking just be like “Damn, nigga. You gotta smoke and get drunk all da muthafuckin’ time? Huh? Shhiiiit. Yo’ bitch ass need to take a muthafuckin’ break up in this muthafucka.” Honesty is the best policy. The same goes for the work place. This week is going to be especially hectic. So, don’t take any kind of crap from anybody. Mow over anyone who can’t seem to keep up, anyone who slows you down. Use your stapler as a weapon. Open it up and aim it at lazy co-workers, then click staples at them. For special people press it against the back of their necks and impale them with the sharp metal stationary tools. Bend paper clips into two pronged forks, then use rubber bands to catapult them across cubicles and into people’s lines of vision. This is very important. It’s in the stars for you to do this.
Lotto#'s 2 13 22 31 39 49
Virgo
Most people don’t think about the little things, the details, like you do. Most people just cruise through life consuming and urinating and shitting and eating and fucking and working and dancing and listening to various musicians and watching television and movies occasionally and dancing and playing and visiting family and masturbating. But not you. You look at the deeper details, issues and workings of the world. That is why this week you will invent a new invention that could possibly revolutionize the world. Well, you’ll at least have the idea for a new invention that could revolutionize the world. It’ a up to you whether or not you actually take that idea and do something with it. Get a patent. Build a prototype. Make schematics and blueprints. It’s worth it. It is so worth it. You need to do this before your clarity on the topic fades.
Lotto#'s 16 18 27 38 39 48
Libra
What’s the deal? Why you gotta spend all the money? Damn. Can’t you just put a cap on the spending for Christ’s sake? Can’t you just stop shopping and buying stuff? What about saving money, huh? Whatever happened to that? Huh? If you continue on your present course things are gonna get bad for you. As in you’ll be broke. Yeah. Laugh all you want, but money doesn’t have to continue coming in. Nope. Sure doesn’t. In fact, the stars have a little surprise in store for you in a just a few weeks, so you might want to start saving up. It would be unfortunate if you had to prostitute yourself out in the streets for a while wouldn’t it? Yeah. It would. So chill. Relax. Save the dough.
Lotto #'s 14 17 20 28 33 46
Scorpio
You need to get out more. I mean desperately. Instead of tripping out over your main squeeze’s extracurricular activities why not get out there and do some stuff of your own. Or why not meet some of your main squeeze’s friends while you’re at it. Get out there and party. Go to the local hip hop club and shake that fat ass of yours. Move it around a little bit. Work off some of that extra weight. Put your fingers up to your lips and pretend to be smoking a joint. That way you’ll look cool, like the rappers. Touch yourself “just a lil bit”, then spin around. Pray to the lord for courage whenever you go to the restroom, but don’t tip the bathroom attendant. That’ll only encourage them. Make sure to take all of the little attendant’s snacks and chewing gum and partake of all the colognes and perfumes. Yeah. That’ll give you extra astrological power. Lotto#'s 16 18 29 35 37 49
Sagattarius
This week you will find the perfect opportunity to embezzle money from your company. Take advantage. You’ll never get caught. Here’s a genuine no risk way to get that bonus you’ve been asking the boss about for the past few weeks. He won’t give it to you? Fuck him. Take it. Follow the true American tradition of taking what you want when you want it. Be aggressive. Also there are a lot of your co workers who like to smoke weed. You know ganja. You could pick up some extra cash by selling weed to them when you’re on your 15 minute breaks. Use your company Xerox machine to print up some fliers like Dave Chappelle did in “Half Baked”, then staple sample baggies of weed to each of the fliers. Pass them out to your co workers. Don’t put your name or number on there though! Just your e-mail address. That way no one can pin it on you in the end. You know, if by chance you were to get caught. Some of your co workers are more into the white stuff. There’s a guy in your neighborhood named Kevin who can give you the best deal on that stuff that you’ll ever get. His number is 555-6843. Give him a ring. Before you know it you’ll be serving all those bitches at the job. You’ll be rollin in the dough, not only from paychecks, but embezzlement, weed and coke. Now that’s smart.
Lotto#'s 23 33 39 40 42 47
Capricorn
Don't even trip. You got shit locked. Niggas be like "what..." when you come through. They can't handle it. Take advantage. Smash that whole section up right there. Play the wild cards and gravitate towards the celestial. Not the bestial. No. No more bestiality. That's some crazy shit you don't need to mess with anymore. Your done. It's over. You went through that phase. Move on. But as far as being competitive, healthy, secure, gifted and infected: You're on your way. Ludachris is about to reference you in a fucking radio hit. Watch. You'll be like damn. I read that shit weeks ago in the horoscopes and now here I am, being rhymed to in a debauched fucking Ludachris track.
"You know I like a dyme piece lookin' like porn/
I like how she gnaw on my cob like corn/
A real fuckin' bitch like my favorite Capricorn..."
Shit. That' only three verses. And when the DJs scratch it to repeat your actual name over and over and over, it's over. This is your time to shine. Everyone's gonna know your name. Everyone who listens to Luda. Lotto#'s 2 9 20 31 39 43 49
Aquarius
For the most part you have good ideas that amaze, startle and shock your coworkers and acquaintances. But sometimes you are just too high in the sky. Too caught up in your daydreams and fantasies. too out of touch with reality and shit, knowh'um sayin'? Shit. You need to take a look around. Focus. Be more realistic and just chill. This planet's been around for a few minutes and it's gonna stay around for quite a few minutes after you've left. Don't trip. It's the same shit that's been happening for thousands of years except now it's all digital. Come back to earth for a minute. Get in touch with the people. That's important for you now. Otherwise you risk getting so far out that no one will be able to connect with you. Not even the prostitutes. Lotto#'s 1 8 16 20 27 31 47
Pices
So, you thought no one knew? Huh? You thought no one would find out, huh? You sneaky little bastard. This isn't childhood masturbation in the early evening while mother's doing the dishes and singing hymns that we're talking about here. This is real serious shit. Besides mother caught you back then. What makes you think "mother" won't catch you this time. Huh? Only the stakes are higher. The police? No... No... I won't say a thing. What do you take me for? Some kind of fucking astrological rat? No. You know what you did. You know what's going to happen when they find you. It's only a matter of time. Sit tight. Don't let the bed bugs bite. Cover your ass. Stay dominant.
Lotto#'s 14 18 28 34 36 40