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I am more than what it seems...

queenparanoia posted on Mar 08, 2007 | views: 685 | Tags: life, pretty, picture of me, Paranoia, insecuries, All hail the Queen, rant, pictures, insecure, honesty, facing fears
I am more than what it seems. underneath me is much more stronger than i know. i am much more than what the world has judge me.
 
everytime i look in the mirror. i see first what the world has been seeing in me.
 
i see my body and i hate it. i'm fat no doubt about it. the bulges in my clothes shows. the pimples in my skin shows. my big nose. my big lips. nobody is attracted to me physically. nobody turned their heads when i walk by.
 
but...
 
i am what i am. i'm fat, imperfect skin, big nose, big lips. and i'm okay with that. God has given me this body and i wont complain about it anymore. although i hate being fat. i love my body but i hate the fact that i'm fat. i hate my skin because my pimples scarred me. physically and mentally. i use to hate my big nose and big lips. but i accept it. i accept the fact that it is big and i dont want to change it anymore. because i have very expressive eyes. and it goes well with my big nose and lips. i think i'm beautiful no matter what the world thinks.
 
i talk dirty and think dirty thoughts when it comes to sex. i'm open with my own sexuality and explored my body without the helped of others. masturbation is liberating for me. for i know my pleasures and i know how to achieve it.
 
but...
 
i want more. i want more out of sex. the physical part of it is not enough for me. i want that someone wanted me back. someone who i could want. i want the connection made during sex. not only the physical connection but all of it. i want to my mind, heart and body with someone's mind, heart and body.  i want a lover who will satisfy me and i will satisfy him. i want the caress,the tenderness, the affection of making love. i want to share it...
 
i care too much for others. being the oldest daughter i always think of my siblings and my parents before me. being a good friend i think of my friends first before me. i gave them sometimes more of me eventhough they do not appreciate me.
 
but...
 
i'm selfish in my own way. i'm too proud to say sorry. i'm to shy to speak out. i want to be notice and be the center of attention. i give less to those who really need me. but i gave more to those who dont appreciate me. i'm a drama queen when thing dont go my way.i blame others when bad things happen to me. and when the worst happens to me. i blame myself.
 
i'm loud and could fight back. my sharp words could stab through you. i dont care if i will be embarrassed in front of many as long as i could fight back. i gossip and talked behind some people backs just to get the hatred i feel for them. my words are poisonous that i even get hurt along too.
 
but...
 
i'm vulnerable. easily broken. easily beaten. my own fear is myself. the walls i build around me can easily be destroyed by one comment about me. i'll shatter to a million pieces when i get broken. and it is hard for me to pull it all back. and if i do. it will never be the same again.
 
i'm desperate for someone to love me.i look for it for the wrong places. i'm shallow that i presume i could never be enough for someone.i always thought that true love was never meant for me. i think i'm not worth of anyone's attention or love.
 
but...
 
i build a strong wall when somebody tries to enter my heart. i push them away when they go near me. i hurt them first when somebody try to love me. and the truth is i'm scared of true love...
 
i always plan that i could offer more to the world. i build my dreams with much excitement and hope. i know i have the talent and abilities to get what i want in this life.
 
but...
 
i always plan but never have action on it. i always have doubts in myself and in my capabilities. i hide in my shell hoping that no one will notice me. i put myself down by believing in my own insecurities and fears. i never truly appreciate the blessings i have in life. my own fear of succeeding is over taking my life...
 
yes my soulcast readers this is me.
 
i am a woman but has the insecurities of a girl. i'm lover but i never truly loved back. i'm an adult but still living in my own childish fantasies. i'm confident but i'm still insecure about everything. and i'm still growing up and learning everything about it life.
 
but...
 
there's always a but...
 
i am more than what it seems. i know i could do better. i know i could find true love and someone out there is for me. i accept everything about me. i could fight my fears and insecurities. i may break into a million pieces but i could put it together and make it more strong. i know i could do better in life. i am me.
 
i know God has a purpose for me. everyone has it's own purpose in life. i know i could find it.
 
so this is me my soulcast readers. the queen of paranoia. take it or leave it. hate me or love me. i dont care about it anymore. i know i'm ready to face this world to show the real me. the stronger me. the confident me. the better me.
 
 
a (3)
 


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Comments

  • silverwhisper said on Mar 08, 2007....
    it's a pleasure and an honor to meet you, queen.

    and please stop judging yourself for not looking either anorexic or like you do heroin! :>

    ed
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 08, 2007....
    hi ed! nope i'll never try heroin and i dont want to be anorexic. sometimes i have this fear of beaing too skinny that's why i'm fat... i feel like your bones are breaking if you are too thin...
     
    anyway i hope my stare didnt frighten you! =)
     
    just to let you know this post is hard for me to write because it came from the heart and i'm admitting to my weakness to the world...
     
    and i want to change...
  • silverwhisper said on Mar 08, 2007....
    you've started that change by posting it, queen.

    [hug]

    ed
  • BrenneeLee said on Mar 08, 2007....
    I think that was a beautiful post and I think you're beautiful as well *smile*
  • beyondtheveil said on Mar 08, 2007....
    queen- I think you're pretty cool looking, myself. Especially the eyes, you've got penetrating eyes.
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 08, 2007....

    hi guys i just woke up. last night i cried myself to tears after writing this post. i was scared and i miss my friend who died last year. i guess if i want to face my future i have to accept my past. it's hard but i'm doing it. anyway i'm reading this post today to remind myself why i want to change. bcause i know my freind wants me to change and to move on.

     

    ed: thanks for the hug. i needed that to start my day. =)

    brenneelee: thank you. its strange nobody think's i'm beautiful here except my friends or are they just being polite??? LOL... thanks

    beyondtheveil: thank you.

  • missunderstood1162 said on Mar 08, 2007....
    I think you look lovely!
  • missunderstood1162 said on Mar 08, 2007....
    I think you look lovely!
  • Frlncwrtr said on Mar 08, 2007....

    Queen:  I always knew there was more to you than met the eye!

    I applaud you for your honesty in you assesment of yourself.  They say that facing and admitting one's fears is the first step to overcoming them.

    I think you are being way too hard on yourself! :)

    You've often mentioned that you are fat.  Fat is a funny word today.  It really depends on what one's perception of fat is.  Despite what you said to Ed, I think that you believe that you are fatter than you really are.

    As far as lips, most men favor fuller lips.

    Talking dirty and thinking dirty thoughts when it comes to sex is not such a bad thing, you know?

    I'm glad to see that you want to improve yourself, and wish you luck in achieving your goals.  Just don't set too many goals, or set them so high that they are unachievable.

    Good luck!

    freelance

  • husbandhater said on Mar 08, 2007....
    Queen I'm (bowwing). You are a beauty. Why do you say your fat all the time?
  • gingersoul said on Mar 08, 2007....

    Queen....it hurts reading your words and realize how much your outside has weighed down on your inside. And to see how blind you are ..

    yes, you are  blind, Queen, because when you see yourself in the mirror you dont even see how beautiful you are....

    Because you are..you have a beautiful look in your eyes and a beautiful smile.....and i dont see a big nose, big lips or a bad skin...i see only all of you and you are beautiful... {{{hugs}}}.

    You know what is really crazy? That even the most perfect girl still see herself as imperfect...we women are cursed with this obsession about beauty. To the point we can kill ourself starving ....no body shape is ever going to be too perfect for us..

     

    This is ugly...not you..:-)

  • MindfulOne said on Mar 08, 2007....

    Hi Queen,

    As I read your post I would smile and then feel sad, smile and then sad over and over as I read your thoughts and feelings. 

    What kept going thru my mind was "What a beautiful person.  She is full of intelligence and emotion.  She's being real, true, looking at the tough stuff AND knowing there is another side too.  This is a beautiful human."  Then I saw your photo...

    You are indeed beautiful but not just because of what I see in the picture, it is about what you shared of your true self.  Thanks for sharing.

  • dazed_and_confused said on Mar 08, 2007....
    hi queen. this is the first time that I saw you without the glasses. And I must agree with the things all those people wrote above me. You are a beautiful person inside and out.

    Thank you for sharing yourself and your thoughts. You are being true to yourself and for that, my two thumbs up + my hat is off!

    I agree that you are more than what meets the eye, and you are made of such stern stuff. Indeed, God has something planned for you. With your will, intelligence, and honesty, you can make your dreams come true, and what not, inspire a lot of people around you. I know you can, cause I believe in your abilities and strength, as do most of your readers believe also.

    Here is a hug for you, and keep the smiles coming, cause for me, you truly are a queen. {{hugs}}

    Cheers!

    P.S. Nice pink crown by the way! :P
  • yani said on Mar 08, 2007....

    Hellow Queen.

    This is a wonderful post. You are a very brave woman. To face all those demons within and yet being able to come through it all, you are very brave and for that I salute you :)

    Don't be too harsh on yourself Queen, you are beautiful. Anyone who says otherwise doesn't really know you, and if they don't know you and yet say that you are not beautiful then I think they are not worth getting to know better.

    It's about time you embrace everything about you, stop picking on yourself. Stop belittling yourself. Stop it. Please.

    You are beautiful. It's not really very important how people see you. It's how you peceive yourself to be that matters. I am a firm believer of that.

    :) 

  • MissMimi said on Mar 08, 2007....
    Queenie! I think you're lovely! And I think you are a strong young woman with a beautiful spirit. Thank you for sharing this. I hope it helped to get it all down here. I love the honesty. {{{hug}}}
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 09, 2007....

    thank you guys...

  • queenparanoia said on Mar 09, 2007....
    missunderstood: thank you...
     
    Frlcnwrtr: i'm indeed fat just look at my next post. yes i am too hard on myself. i'm insecure and i'm trying to ovecome it. and if men favor it then how come i dont have a boyfriend? well i appreciate your kind words. if only some people here are like you.
     
    HH: yup i'm fat and i hate it. i love my body but hate the fact that i'm fat.
     
    ginger: my dear ginger i am  indeed blind. and i'm trying to open up my eyes and see the real me. and i agree about with our obsession with beauty. please tell that to my mother because i think she is more obsessed about it than me.
     
    mindfulone: this is post is a breakthrough for me. for its hard to admit my own mistakes and fear. thank you for the kind words.
     
    dazed: awwww thank you i need the hug. why is it difficult to be honest? but at the same it is a freeing moment for me. to say what i really feel and to post what i really looked like. thank you dazed.
     
    yani: i'm building my life one day at a time no more planning instead i'll be doing!! i'll put actions in my dreams. and you are right i'll believe in myself.
     
    Missmimi: thank you dear. i know honesty is hard but a liberating feeling. and i'm happy i'm doing it here in soulcast.
     
    thank you guys!!!☻
  • Lioness said on Mar 09, 2007....
    queen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Shocks am I late???????????

    Wow, I like this post, very reaffirming! You are what you are no matter what others may think.. =)

    queen, ang ganda mo talaga, kahit without the shades!
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 09, 2007....
    lioness: thank you po. grabe ang sarap pala pagtinawag na maganda... LOL!!
  • Lioness said on Mar 09, 2007....
    true naman yun queen! believe me! 
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 09, 2007....
    hay naku talagang maganda ako kaya lang minsan feeling ko hindi pati kasi nanay ko pangit tingin sa akin...
  • polarheart said on Mar 09, 2007....
    Queen, sorry to arrive here so late!
     
    May I just say that I take my hat off to you over and over again.  It was an amazingly brave thing to be so open, honest and transparent to us all here at SoulCast. . .I cannot praise you enough for that!
     
    Secondly, you look lovely and I can see that naughty side in your eyes (wink, wink).  I'm glad that you've decided to accept yourself as you are. . .what you are is God's gift to you, what you become is your gift to God.
     
    Love and {{{{hugs}}}}} Polar
  • secretlife said on Mar 09, 2007....

    queen:  i see a beautiful girl queen.  that's what i see.

    i want you to see her too.

  • queenparanoia said on Mar 09, 2007....

    polar: thank you dear. i dont think i was brave. i just want to get off the words inside of me. yup i was feeling naughty when i took the picture, it was trough my cellphone.

    secret: thank you. yup i'm seeing her slowly. one day at a time. =)

  • MsBradford07 said on Mar 09, 2007....
    You are beautiful know what people tell you.
  • botoni said on Mar 09, 2007....
    Queen!    Your assessment of yourself is brave and at the same time its terribly terribly critical.....Deep down we all have some feelings and thoughts like you express.  You re just way more honest in that you have admitted to them! 
     
    Would you try something?  Try it for me but more importantly try it for you!  Write this down on a piece of paper and read it every morning and every night.  These are the words:
     
    I AM A GOOD AND WONDERFUL PERSON.  I AM BEAUTIFUL.  I AM LOVED AND LOVING.
     
    Just try it.  You are not seeing something that the rest of us see.  You are caring and lovely inside.  You are incredibly beautiful too!  If I was 40 years younger and straight I d doing anything to get a date with you.........Well maybe not ANYTHING...but I d sure try.
     
    YOU GO GIRL.
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 09, 2007....

    msbradford: thank you.

    botoni: oh how i wish someone will date me. ive never had a boyfriend. still a virgin. yes i know the positive assesment will help me through this journey but i know i can only do this alone. ty botoni♥

  • mom said on Mar 10, 2007....
    There is nothing wrong with you, sweets.  If you feel the way you look is keeping you from getting  a boyfriend you are so wrong.  It is your own lack of self esteem that might be keeping the guys away.  If you see yourself as being fat and unworthy that is going to show, smile, love who you are and you won't have a problem getting someone. :)
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 10, 2007....
    oh mom how i wish that could be so easy...
     
    unfortunately most men here dont think i'm pretty =(
     
    stupid assholes...
  • silverwhisper said on Mar 10, 2007....
    queen, that's b/c they're idiots. you can't fault stupid people for having bad taste, now can you? :D

    [hug]

    ed
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 10, 2007....
    ed totally agree =)
  • kruuyai said on Mar 10, 2007....
    queen:  As I started reading this, I just wanted to throw my arms around you and give you a big hug.  And then I actually felt myself doing it!  Here's an instant replay {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hug}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}.  As I continued reading, I was amazed by the awesome amount of introspection.  You are someone who really understands herself.  And you deserve to be understood by others.  This is a great first step, sharing your inner workings with us here.  I hope you have or will have someone that you can share these thoughts with IRL.  I think, in the end, what we all wish for, is to be truly known. 
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 10, 2007....
    kruu: thanks for the hugs!!!!!! {{{{{{{{{HUg}}}}}}}}}}}}}} this is my hug back. admition is the first step for healing. so i am happy that i said it here in soulcast.
  • skald said on Mar 13, 2007....
    Queen. You are a lovely person. You are not fat and you are good looking and you know your self that is a good quality. go on being the confident queen as you said in the end . i like you  and may the boy you get deserve you. If he is half what you are, that´s good.
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 13, 2007....
    thanks skald that was sweet.
  • polarheart said on Mar 13, 2007....
    Queen, I dedicated a music video to you under Satyr's latest Music Video Dedication post - go check it out!
  • polarheart said on Mar 13, 2007....
    Queen, I dedicated a music video to you under Satyr's latest Music Video Dedication post - go check it out!
  • queenparanoia said on Mar 13, 2007....
    oh polar i just cry after hearing the song!!! i love the song so much thank you!!!
  • hotaka said on Nov 17, 2007....
    Hey, queenP. I never saw this one. What a great photo! You look fabulous. The first photo I ever saw of you was the one where you are about to suck on a big wooden dick.
  • queenparanoia said on Nov 17, 2007....
    hotaka: thanks hotcakes. whahahahahha i cant suck that wooden penis it's too big!!! =)

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