• dailyachesandpains said on Feb 24, 2007....

  Alyss:
  I have a hard time too, hearing a compliment and accepting it. 
  At my most recent therapy appointment, my shrink told me that I was to walk out the door with my head up, not down.  I was to think that everyone knows me and likes me and that I do have good qualities that others see. 
  It was a positive exercise.  Just thinking good things.  I felt better when I got home, but I have to remind myself to hold my head up, even in my own home.
   
  I feel for you, Alyss, and your situation.  I am so sorry for what you are going through and dealing with. 
   
  {{{{Hugs}}}}
  Daily

• MissMimi said on Feb 24, 2007....

  Alyss, I'll come back to this when I have more time... Just wanted to give you a big hug, and say I understand what you're feeling. {{{{{big hug}}}}}

• polarheart said on Feb 24, 2007....

  Alyss, you know, the very first thing that springs to my mind when a man reacts to a woman he once loved the way your husband has to you - is that he has a guilty concience. . .and NOT that you are undesirable.
   
  What makes a person sexy or attractive is honestly (to me that is) not what they look like on the outside, but what they exude from the inside.  When our confidence has been shot we can all too easily go into survival mode and looking after ourselves goes last on the list, or doesn't even get onto the list.
   
  You are your own most precious gift - you may argue and say its your kids rather.  But, one day they will grow up, leave home and live their own lives.  How you treat yourself in the years from now leading up to that time will define the person you are "left with" when they are out of the nest.
   
  Make a decision that every time a negative thought about yourself comes into your mind you will crush that thought with a positive one about yourself.  You need to accept yourself more than you need acceptance from others.  We all need to win the battle in our minds.  I am speaking from experience - very recent experience at that.
   
  Much love and care, Polar
   
  PS: I'd meet you for a coffee in London any day!

• secretlife said on Feb 24, 2007....

  i don't know why Alyss, but for some reason this is often a side effect of relationships where the men don't value their wives.
   
  i walked into my marriage with a pretty healthy self esteem.  10 years later i was convinced i was worthless. 
   
  perhaps it's when you give all you have to give and it's not enough........perhaps this is when we start to doubt ourselves.
   
  it takes time to love yourself again.....it takes time to build up your strength. 
  it just takes time.  Yes you will most certainly believe it again.  probably sooner than you could ever imagine.

• Jenna said on Feb 24, 2007....

  Alyss....no you are not undesireable....You are truly a gift....to that special someone.   You know that....he knows that....
   
  Sweetheart, I could go on and on about feeling unloved....but I will not... you are loved...by someone special.....It has been so much fun, watching this evolve....
   
  I cannot wait til....I know it is coming....I know it will happen... I am praying for your happiness. 
   
  Love to you dear one. 

• mom said on Feb 24, 2007....

  Daily- your therapist is one smart cookie.  You are seeing yourself the way we see you.
   
  Alyss- I was I had an answer for you,  I am going through the same thing as you are. If it wasn't for lack of sex, I would have an almost perfect marriage.  Maybe your husband will come around again.  I have heard of men going through a dry phase for no reason and then snapping out of it.  Good luck hon.

• truthsayer said on Feb 24, 2007....

  As horrible as it feels Alyss, I can guarantee you that it is about him, and his problems, and not about you.  Most men just cannot talk about it, and women tend to internalize things they do not understand.  He could have E.D. or erectile dysfunction, and unless they are self assured and open emotionally (very few are open, especially about this topic) they will never bring it up, and they will not even admit it.

  I know that doesn't help you much, but it is the truth.  I hope it helps you some.  This is so sad.  I see it all the time.  Like what mom said, it is this way for many, even the otherwise, happily married.  I have been there and done that, and until my SO came clean of all the secrets, we didn't have a chance. 

  Life is so complicated, try not to internalize things that you don't understand.  Let it be enough to admit that you don't understand, and let it go.  If you have faith in God, ask Him to explain it to you, but, if He doesn't, it's okay.  You can always ask why, and then, leave it with Him...even if you don't know the reason now, I assure you that it isn't about you...it is about him.

  If the King of the Universe desires you, and He does...how could you possibly be undesirable?

  truth

• RollingC said on Feb 24, 2007....

  There's only one way to find out... send a naked pic of yourself to me and the rest of the male members of Soulcast and we'll take a vote.  Send one to me first  I'll be your lobbyist. ☺  ♥
  
  Everyone has an inner beauty that when expressed can outshine any physical defects or imperfections one might have.
  
  Peace and ♥
  Rc
  

• MissMimi said on Feb 25, 2007....

  RollingC, you are a naughty boy... ;)
  
  
  Alyss, please listen to truthsayer. You tried so hard to make your marriage work, you know you did. That it failed is a reflection of him, not you.
  
  
  In time, I think you'll get your self-confidence back. You are not undesirable--others know it, and one day you will too. {{{{{Alyss}}}}}

• polarheart said on Feb 25, 2007....

  Alyss - please go and check my Off to London post again - you are invited and expected!!! :¬))))
   

• CreativeWoman said on Feb 25, 2007....

  Alyss,
  
  You are a very dear and special lady.  I seriously doubt that you are ugly and undesirable.  However, I do understand those feelings.  
  
  Many times the "if only's" have gone through my own head.  Would he give me more attention if I was more beautiful? What about if I was thinner?  I have a whole list.
  
  It stings when the one you are committed to rejects you whether it be emotionally or physically.
  
  Next time you are out, try looking at a few men in the eye.  I'll venture to guess that you'll find a few are looking and smiling at you.
  
  You are a beautiful person, Alyss.
  
  CW
  

• Alyss said on Feb 25, 2007....

  daily I think your therapist has offered some very wise advice. I shall try that too.
  
  polar, thank you. I do not think he has a guilty conscience I think he simply isn't interested. And yes, I am becoming aware that I need to turn my internal dialogue around to the positive.
  
  SL, thank you for your insight.
  
  Jenna, we shall see. I am not counting my chickens in that regard but I do have hope.
  
  mom, thank you but I think he & I are beyond the point of no return.
  

• Alyss said on Feb 25, 2007....

  truth your comment was very helpful.
  
  I am always very good at seeking to take the blame even when it is not deserved so perhaps I have fallen into that trap again.  I have spoken with him about E.D. which he denies, along with every other scenario I could imagine. I think you are correct and I have to stop trying to understand and simply accept and then move on from that.
  
  Rc you made me laugh and for that I thank you.
  
  mimi, I think the doldrums caught up with me yesterday. They seem to have been busy if SC posts are anything to go on. I hope you are feeling better today.
  
  CW, me look at another man in the eyes? Good Lord I'd be such a horrible crimson colour they'd all think I had 'slapped cheek'  virus or worse! I know you understand though.
  

• raft said on Feb 25, 2007....

  I know I'm a guy, but I can tell you: it's him.
  
  It's much the same way that when you are in love with someone, they become the sun in your sky, irregardless of their physical appearance. The flip side is probably true.
  
  Which is why couple need to spice things up, once in a while.
  
  I know how  you feel. I've felt those emotions myself at times, not that long ago. I know that I can draw glances if I want to, but my mate's the glance I want..
  
  Don't let yourself feel down because of their inadequacies. You're desirable. Once in a while, take CW's advice, and see if you've still got it.  ;)
  
  Blushing can be quite cute..
  

• sidhe said on Feb 25, 2007....

  Alyss, speaking as someone who is very aware of what is and is not sensual or beautiful I can guarantee that you have that attractiveness.  You just need to see it and it will manifest for everyone who sees you physically.  We already see your sensual and attractive and intelligent soul. 
   
  In person beauty is so very subjective.  It isn't whether or not you have perky breasts or a small butt or beautiful eyes.  Those things take a huge back seat to personality and confidence.   If you believe you're beautiful everyone around you does too regardless of any actual physical appearance.   I want you to try this excersise next time you go out in public. 
   
  Walk into a store with your head up and a confident stride.  Smile at every single man in there and make a brief eye-contact.  Not a come-hither smile but just a smile.  If they come up to talk to you, let them.  Don't let them push you for stuff you don't want but let them acknowledge you.  Walk out of the store with your head up and your stride confident.
   
  Then walk into the next store with your head down and your stride hesitant.  Don't make eye contact or smile at the men.  See the difference in the reaction. 
   
  You'll be shocked at the difference.  You are hell of attractive, you just need to let them acknowledge it.  YOu cut it off now I'll bet even when it's there because you don't believe you have it. 
   
  You absolutely do.
   

• EvilTwin said on Feb 26, 2007....

  I think you are desirable, love.  You are a beautiful woman, Alyss.  Sensual and sexy.  Without a doubt.
   
  It isn't always about appearances (but I think yours are lovely).  It is often a state of mind.  Or self confidence.  Sometimes it is simply a matter of attracive appearances.  Sometimes it's the inner beauty that brings out everything else.  Sometimes it's just how comfortable one is with another that makes them attractive, allowing everything to be seen without pressure or worry or fear. 
   
  In your case, I believe it is all of the above.  You are beautiful.  I told you that the first time I saw your picture.  And I maintain that after having seen you in person. =)   And believe it or not, you do have a certain state of mind and self confidence that shows through, despite your doubts.  And you have an inner beauty that brings it all together...
   
  You are attractive.  And very desirable, love.  I believe that. 
   

• silverwhisper said on Feb 26, 2007....

  alyss, you should know by now that you'll be getting exactly what you got: a chorus of folks who have gotten to know you, and know that you're just plain wrong about this. i know you're stubborn, and i know it's force of habit to brush aside such thoughts.
  
  there are several lessons your marriage has taught you that IMHO need to un-learned, b/c you'll be better for it.
  
  ed

• Alyss said on Feb 26, 2007....

  As I said, I was having a bad day yesterday and I suppose if I am brutally honest with myself I posted because I wanted some validation.
  
  I know I have to shake off those feelings of inadequacy and unlearn those things that have got me to this state. I know that.
  
  Thank you guys and gals for posting.
  
  Raft, I have great difficulty imagining you as anything but attractive knowing what I know about you.
  
  Sidhe, thank you. See we are on the same page despite our different experiences.
  
  ET you realise I could turn what you said back on you of course...
  

• VICARIOUS said on Feb 26, 2007....

  Speaking from an outsiders pov, I've never read you, I'd like to remind you that we men suck. We are gifted with destroying lives and self esteem of anyone we claim to love. We don't it on purpose, we are clueless as to how to keep a relationship alive.
   
  Men are funny creatures, husbands more so. Once we have you we don't desire you. We need the conquest to feel alive. I've known incredibly sexy married women and ugly women with zero sexual cahrm, and the result is the same. Once a guy has you he takes you for granted.
   
  It doesn't mean your marriage is over. It only means you are going to have to deal with things in order to stay together.
   
  Men suck; unless they are warped sexually and are fiends they can not usually satisy most of their partners because they are selfish bastards.

• RollingC said on Feb 26, 2007....

  Don't forget  to show a little skin once in awhile.... even to your own hubby. It might help out more. 
  And if that don't work then use the cave-woman approach and club him then drag him to the bedroom and slow tease-torture him to your heart's desire.
  

• sidhe said on Feb 26, 2007....

  Alyss, I still want you to try my experiment.  And then tell me what you realize. 

• Alyss said on Feb 26, 2007....

  Vic it's too late now. He knows how I feel, what I would want and yet chooses not to even try.
  
  Rc tried that, he didn't even look up then told me to go away as he was 'trying to relax'.
  
  Sidhe I will. Promise.
  

• sidhe said on Feb 26, 2007....

  Then you have to let me know when you do. :D

• raft said on Feb 26, 2007....

  Alyss: I'm not as good looking as I used to be (damn that sounds conceited). I wasn't a model or anything. I'm just worse than I was. Weight hath its disadvantages.
   
  ..and I can post from work! Woohoo!

• Alyss said on Feb 26, 2007....

  LOL about work posting!
  
  Yes weight does have its disadvantages but the fact is it wouldn't matter to me, I can see the person within. ;-)
  

• openclose said on Feb 27, 2007....

  OMG!!  I could have written this post myself!
  One little twist, my 2nd ex that I am trying to rekindle with has no sex drive.  Was a problem for 19 years.  I think that has added to my uncertainty about myself.  He never tells me I look good, that I smell good, that he likes my new hair style, etc.  He used to tell me that before, but not now.  I do know that he was telling his gf those things because I heard it.  I've seen her and she is not very fashionable, does not look all that great, can't tell you how she smells because I've never met her face to face.  At my age, and with the abuse I just went through with ex #3 I really feel like I'm not desirable.  Ex #2 tells me he loves me and always has and always will.  Am I supposed to be satisfied with that?  I'm not sure. 

• HairSprayGirl said on Feb 28, 2007....

  Alyss...Don't you see that most all of us women have gone through this. That doesn't make it better. Not at all. I am going through the exact thing and I couldn't even begin to tell you how to fix it. But you got a lot of good advice or support,and for that,you should feel better!!!! Just smiling and laughing can make you feel attractive. Or like polar said..with one negative thought,crush it with a positive. It's hard to do,but the more practice you give it,the easier it becomes. Promise. I'm going through a self-help program dealing with anxiety and depression as we speak and I've gotten a lot of good tools to help deal with my insecurities and bad days. It doesn't help everyday..but I have the tools. Some days my smile is a lot brighter than it is on other days when I'm feeling blue. Just stay positive. :-)

• quietevenings said on Feb 28, 2007....

  wow, way too many comments for me to read them all... if someone has said this already then i apologize.  just know that sexuality starts from within.  u have to feel sexy inside in order to have sex appeal on the outside.  and what makes your ex the final judge and jury on your self esteem.  he is but one man and we should never give that much control to one person.  his loss is another man's gain.

• Alyss said on Feb 28, 2007....

  Thank you HSG, I'm working on being positive.
  
  quiet, hello and thank you for commenting and subscribing.  He's not my ex, not yet, probably not for some time to come and he still has the power to hurt.
  

• quietevenings said on Feb 28, 2007....

  Just wanted to share this exerpt from a poem entitled, 'Desiderata':

  Be yourself.
  Especially, do not feign affection.
  Neither be cynical about love;
  for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
  it is as perennial as the grass.

   

  Take kindly the counsel of the years,
  gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
  Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
  But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
  Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
  Beyond a wholesome discipline,
  be gentle with yourself.

   

  You are a child of the universe,
  no less than the trees and the stars;
  you have a right to be here.
  And whether or not it is clear to you,
  no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

   

  Therefore be at peace with God,
  whatever you conceive Him to be,
  and whatever your labors and aspirations,
  in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

   

  With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
  it is still a beautiful world.
  Be cheerful.
  Strive to be happy.

   

  Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

   

• lfbno7 said on Jul 07, 2007....

  I found this post from so long ago, just browsing through your list of posts.  It seems that you are married but have absolutely no sex life with your husband because he doesn't want to.  That's the impression you gave in your post.  So I'll respond to that.
  
  You should find a boyfriend.  Someone you like.  Your husband has no right to sentence you to a life of no romance.  That's a pretty harsh sentence and you must reject it.  He shouldn't have the power to keep you from ever being touched again.
  
  I felt undesirable and worthless when I was reeling from the knowledge of my wife's infidelity about 15 years ago.  Made me feel like two cents.  I know how it feels to think of yourself as not worth a thing.
  

• RollingC said on Jul 07, 2007....

  Love conquers all.... even a marriage where they don't touch each other for a period of time. 
  Rc
  

• Alyss said on Jul 09, 2007....

  lfbno, you read correctly. And I am bringing it to an end even though it is a slow, excruciatingly painful process because, despite everything, I love him and can't understand why it has to be like this or how we got here. I just know I can't go on like it any longer.
  
  I am sorry that you are familiar with the sting of rejection and hope that you have a healthy self esteem despite it.
  
  
  Rc I wish that were so but it has not proved to be the case for me.
  

• Racerboy said on Jan 04, 2008....

  Well, since I don't know what you phisically look like, let me just say, that to me, most every woman has that spark that makes her beautiful, desireable, and loveable.  I understand your self doubt, been there myself.  Just believe the people you trust.  If your friends find you to be a beautiful and loving person, then a gentleman will find you just as inviting.  You are worth everything you think you are and much you don't.  Don't give up.

• Alyss said on Jan 04, 2008....

  Thank you Racerboy. Self doubt is an insidious beast that stirs even when you think it has been defeated.
  

• Racerboy said on Jan 11, 2008....

  Can I get an "Amen"?

• sammies_place said on Aug 18, 2008....

  Alyss,
  This very issue is what I've been dealing with The Scotsman on all weekend.  He's still waiting for me to apologize.  Just when I was getting ready to do so the Irishwoman took me aside and said some things that just has my head spinning.  What she said validates everything I've been telling the Scotsman:  Your actions are telling me you don't want to be with me, that it could be anyone here.  It's been three years of hard work resulting in absolutely no change. 
   
  What's ironic is that I've reduced our conversations to emails only and I overheard the Scotsman tell the Irishwoman that our communication has improved quite a bit.  (Um...really?)  It seems to have escaped the Scotsman's notice that I haven't actually spoken to him in three days.
   
  Anyways, nice to know it's not just me in the pits.
  Sammie

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