How do we learn to forgive? What does it mean, and therefore, what does it take, to truly forgive another? It is often discussed and yet, all too often, misunderstood. It is a liberating experience, and a necessary skill to master, before it's too late.
I don't mean that it's ever too late to forgive, just that resentment, blame and anger can manifest in our lives, in ways that none of us would consciously choose, if we were in our right minds. But if we live, everyday, with unforgiveness, blame and hardness of heart; can we ever really be in our "right minds"?
Modern physics tells us that energy cannot be created or destroyed. If that energy doesn't come out of us in the form of mental illness, like depression, mania, anxiety, etc; what other form can our inflamation or festering feelings reveal themselves? Arthritis? Cancer? How about abuse? Impatience? Or can it be an abiding, deep, unnamed saddness, grief or feeling of mourning?
I suppose it is different for everyone, but it is worthy of some examination. I want to write the definition for forgive, here, and then some of the synonyms. Please indulge me; it often helps to take things apart and examine them, before putting them back together to conclude a thing.
My Webster's New World Dictionary, Fouth Edition says:
FORGIVE
1. to give up resentment against or the desire to punish; stop being angry with; pardon
2. to give up all claim to punish or exact penalty for (an offense); overlook
3. to cancel or remit (a debt)
FORGIVING
1. that forgives; inclined to forgive
2. designed or constructed so as to reduce the impact of mistakes, errors, stress, mishandling, etc. on performance
I found that last one, #2, on "forgiving" to be especially interesting. I often get extra meat from the secondary, less common or archaic definitions of words.
What else are we here for other than to forgive ourselves and others? It was truly designed by God to reduce the impact of our mistakes, errors, stress, mishandling, etc...while we are here. It is good to forgive, we all know that. So what makes it so hard?
I think clues to what makes it "so hard" can be found in the synonyms for forgive. Let's take a look. The synonyms can be found at "absolve".
ABSOLVE
1. to pronounce free from guilt or blame; acquit.
2. a.) to give religious absolution to b.) to remit (a sin)
3. to free (from a duty, promise, etc.)
SYN:
ABSOLVE implies a setting free from responsibilities or obligation (absolved from her promise) or from the penalties for their violation
ACQUIT means to release from a specific charge by a judicial decision, usually for lack of evidence
To EXONERATE is to relieve of the blame for a wrongdoing
To PARDON is to release from punishment for an offense (the prisoner was pardoned by the governor)
FORGIVE implies giving up all claim that an offense be punished as well as any resentment or vengeful feelings
To VINDICATE is to clear (a person or thing under attack) through evidence of the unfairness of the charge, criticism, etc.
The antonym is BLAME.
So, for our own understanding: Where does that leave each one of us? We can only forgive at our own level of understanding. CW had a post about whether or not she should forgive her mother-in-law, when she offered a blanket apology. Was accepting that apology about CW? Her mother-in-law? Both of them?
Personally, I know only one tiny percentage of what I have truly been forgiven, through the blood of Jesus. I am sure that if it hadn't been for him, I would be in HUGE, and everlasting trouble. I have never hid my faith from any of you. But here's my point, I know that I first had to repent, and ask to be forgiven, which means, I knew that I was guilty of all sorts of sins.
I had broken most of the Ten Commandments, in thought, word or deed, at one time or another. I had greater feelings of despair and self blame than a problem with blaming others...but both were equal sins in God's eyes. I was excessively self reliant. It was a part of my recovery that eventually, got in my way. I had outgrown the need for it. Sometimes it is a person's anger that has helped them to survive, and then, ultimately, it becomes a destructive force in their own lives, and unfortunately, in the lives of those they love.
But how should I explain forgiveness to someone that has been raped, incested, molested, used, abused, betrayed, or worse? How can I explain it, and convey the truth of it's deepest, life saving and totally liberating meaning, in a way that they can apply it in their own lives; whether they have yet accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior, or not?
I can say this. There is as much to learn about forgiveness, and learning to forgive, as there are stars in the sky. There are so many lives cut short, whether in the natural, or in the spiritual. There are so many ways to make mistakes, commit evil, and sometimes, do irrepairable damage, that it just makes sense to be as compassionate and "forgiving" as we possibly can be...from now on. It makes sense to forgive as much as we can, whenever we can, and to learn how to make it a way of life.
Maybe you cannot forgive that man, that woman, your father, your mother, or God forbid, even yourself, yet...maybe not totally, but can you start today, right now, and forgive someone, as much as you can: Can't you?
I think it usually comes off in layers anyway, like an onion. In our family, we all had different memories. I watched my older siblings rip each other, and both of my parents apart, for 18 long years. Meanwhile, I saw early on, that by the time I was born, they were all very damaged, very hurting units; and it wouldn't do me any good to blame the culprit...there were too many culprits. Abuse is the gift that keeps on giving, a therapist friend of mine used to say. Neglect and willful ignorance are right in there too.
I suggest that you learn to forgive, one day at a time; instead of waiting until you have it all figured out, and then forgiving it all. I remind you, that you cannot figure out crazy anyway. I am convinced, and have said it since I was little that if you put all of my siblings, and both of my parents in room and could interview them separately, and then together...you would swear that you were dealing with five people (six including me) that could not have possibly come from the same family. Everyone was convinced that they were right. I just saw hurting, angry, lost people. I looked to different examples, and I didn't get caught up in blame; but that certainly is what usually happens! I am no different from my siblings, except that I have GRACE. I understand mercy. I also sought the truth in God, not in men/women/the world.
I would suggest that you do the same. Do not look to the world for your answers. Go directly to God, because you can. Because you have been forgiven, absolved, acquitted, exonerated, pardoned and vindicated. If only you will receive it. Please don't let whatever you have done in your life, even in response or reaction to your violation, betrayal or disappointments; keep you from the freedom you deserve. Your debt is 'paid in full'!
Whenever I realize there is another thing called to mind, that I have held onto, or started to hold onto, that is angry, in blame or resentment...I immediately repent of it, and forgive myself too. It is a way of life. Walking with my heavenly Father, my Lord Jesus, and their indwelling Holy Spirit, is a way of life that I would hope for each of you to know one day, until then, start learning to forgive, today.
Your friend,
truthsayer
