• sam_ting_wong said on Feb 23, 2007....

  If I did it, then I will tell her honestly what I have done. But in the first place, we must all avoid putting ourselves in a situation where we most likely commit such a grievous sin to our spouse. Temptation is always everywhere. There are people who intentionally seek the destruction of marriages. We must not allow them to succeed.

• quidnunc said on Feb 23, 2007....

  sam, honesty is always the best policy. but i can understand why my client chose not  to rub salt to wounded tissues by not being candid to his wife.
  
  that said, i agree with you that: first, one must open up, be honest, and come clean. then second, he/she must commit never again to make the same mistake.
  

• silverwhisper said on Feb 23, 2007....

  if challenged about infidelity and there actually were any, i'd like to believe i'd do the right thing and tell the truth.
  
  ed

• Alyss said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I would be honest.

• susalia said on Feb 23, 2007....

  i would tell the truth and be honest because aint no reason to lie and i have been honest about it

• mommyof2 said on Feb 23, 2007....

  My other half knows all , honesty ....

• kruuyai said on Feb 23, 2007....

  If it gets to the point where your spouse is questioning you about it, then he or she already knows on some level, and denying it would just cause them more pain.  Dishonesty is a harder betrayal to overcome than infidelity.  If not questioned or confronted, I think it's best not to mention it.  You always hear those stories about spouses 'fessing up to their partners after they have terminated an extra-marital affair.  I don't see the point.  I think they just do it to ease the burden of their own guilt, but in the process, they are causing their spouse unneccessary pain, and being super insenstive in doing so... even cruel.  I used to believe in honesty at any cost, but nowadays, I think that kindness is more important.

• SillyMommy62902 said on Feb 23, 2007....

  It's hard to answer a question like that.  To be perfectly honest, I would probably try to lie about it at first.  But my husband is incredibly smart.  He would figure it out.  Again, it's hard to put myself in that place because I can't see myself ever cheating.  I have too much to lose.

• satyr said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I think truth is the best policy. 

• waterstar said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I would be honest too, and I would most definately perfer whomever to be honest with me - lying gives neither party a chance to heal

• Ariene said on Feb 23, 2007....

  A very good friend of mine, once said when confronted...deny, deny, deny. I think he was right. Although honesty sounds good, it can sometimes backfire, causing violence and possibly death to those involved because of jealousy. It can also destroy families, jobs and lives in general that otherwise might have been saved. Unless it's a matter of divorce, or life and death regarding a health issue (STD) don't mention it.

• gingersoul said on Feb 23, 2007....

  If i ask you, i want honesty.

  If you ask, i give you honesty.

  If you dont ask, i don't say anything hoping you didn't see it and you are not doubting. 

  Because asking means already suffering and i wouldn't  want you to suffer.

   

• agentPit said on Feb 23, 2007....

  Only fool will confront and tell. A broken mirror hard to mend without scars.
  Not too many women will react like Hillary Clinton did. Majority will revenge cheat behind you even  told you she forgives you. The one couldn't, will eventually break the marriage.
  
  Best is before a man let his dick do the thinking, should think about consequences 1st.
  

• CreativeWoman said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I think I would end up telling the truth, but not until I was ready to.  I do care deeply for someone who isn't my husband.  We live miles apart and do not partake in a physical relationship.  Emotionally though, that's another story.  It's another kind of cheating. I would probably consider how any admission on my part would affect this man.  Even though we don't live near one another, he has local ties. If I had to deny it to protect him, I would.  My relationship with my husband is already dying.
  
  
  CW
  

• agentPit said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I slept with many marriage women, majority of them are seeking revenge toward their hubby past and seek for a get-even mentality. Only small percentage cheat behind their spouse   of  of bedroom satisfaction.
  
  Oop!...
  

• Ariene said on Feb 23, 2007....

  AgentPit - CreativeWoman - I think most women cheat because they no longer feel a deep emotional connection to their partner and if there is someone else available to open up to, who makes you laugh again and feel good about yourself, you're drawn to them which is OK.  If cheating was merely for sex, it wouldn't matter who you slept with. Maybe, it's more that way with guys, but I don't think so with women. 

• CreativeWoman said on Feb 23, 2007....

  In my case, my husband told me he loved his farm more than he loved me.  I had been trying to make my marriage work up until then.  It was then that I stopped competing with it. I had been lonely for years and talking to him about it until I was blue in the face.  Letting this friendship of mine happen wasn't an overnight deal.  It's not a revenge kind of thing for me.  There is a lot of truth to what Ariene said. I needed to feel important to someone. 
  
  I'm not saying that what I'm doing is right. I am telling you how I got here.
  
   I did try to explain to my husband long ago that marriage is like a crop in the field.  You can't just plant it and walk away.  It needs fertilized and tilled.  If you don't, it will wither and die.  He didn't listen.
  
  There's much more to it.  I've written a lot about it on my blog if anyone is interested.  I could go on for days here.
  
  CW
  

• girlfriday said on Feb 23, 2007....

   i think at one level the one who is confronting already knows that something's amiss...otherwise no point in the confrontation. so i would come out clean and admit my infidelity. emotional ties cannot be made they just happen..........and u cant help where a relationship goes once it starts.....is it cheating if u r friends with someone other than your spouse and with whom you can  share any damn thing and who makes u feel good??

• mousenphonic said on Feb 23, 2007....

  My husband and I have such an open relationship that I think we would confess to each other even when just thinking about it.  I always thought I would be okay if my husband told me he had an affair but the other night I had a dream....
   
  I dreamed I went to this house with my husband and one of his friends. I sat down in what was supposedly the livingroom.  The two of them disappeared into different rooms leaving me alone for several minutes. Then I realised we were inside a whore house and they were having sex inside the rooms. I knocked on the door where my husband was and he rudely told me to go away, he's busy. I ran out of the house and woke up feeling sick to my stomach and depressed.
   
  I guess that if I can't face that in a dream, I'm not as strong as I thought to face it in reality.  Although it is better to confess, I would rather have my husband stay quiet about it and let his conscience eat him up.
   
  <*ms

• jamesArthur said on Feb 23, 2007....

  well ill tell you all what, it is definitely the wrong thing to do to have an affair, however, i would also say that in many cases it is the worst thinng to do to be honest about an affair you have had.  The best thing to do would be lie about it, say that you have never been unfaithful and just stop being unfaithful.  By lying you avoid ruining the familys lives.  you may have a problem, but its not worth devastating the wife/husband, the kids, disrupting the financial lives of all of the house members, and even dividing the dog and furniture in half.  saying," yes honey, i had sex with her," is the dumbest and worst thing you could ever do. EVER.  good thing im not married

• minniemouse said on Feb 23, 2007....

  Well, technically, you are lying anyway by having the affair, so it doesn't really matter.  For me, I think it would depend on how the confrontation came about.  If I was presented with undeniable proof, then whats the point in denying it?  I know that kind of sounds callous and cold.  I am in the same sort of situation as CreativeWoman, long history and even longer explanation.  Anyway, thats my 2 cents.

• momsrock said on Feb 23, 2007....

  If he asked, I would tell him......in my case, he has never asked.

• Ariene said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I'd really like to know every woman's opinion here. If your husband was seeing another married woman for over 14 years and they have a child together and he cheated on you many times before he even met her, and you knew about it all, would you want to stay married to him and would (could) you still love him?

• CreativeWoman said on Feb 23, 2007....

  Ariene,
  I think it depends on your self-worth.  A few months back, I probably would have just taken it.  Now, I'm not so sure I would.  If I were financially able and had a place to go, I would probably walk. I might still love him deep down, but I would know that it wasn't me that he wanted.  There is only so much hurt you can swallow.
  
  CW
  

• husbandhater said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I would confess. Get it over with

• mom said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I would confess.

• quidnunc said on Feb 23, 2007....

  thank you all for your beautiful insights.
  
  marriage thrives on trust. if one is not honest with the other, then something fundamental about the relationship is missing. it is akin to a stool with a missing leg, shaky, and dangerous to sit on.
  
  but there are indeed situations where denying it and sparing the other from pain could be a better option to take. but, to me, at least two elements must be present for this course of action to work out, viz: (1) the spouse who is asking/doubting does not have actual proof about the affair and would not be in a position to know about it anyway; and (2) the erring partner should forthwith terminate the affair and henceforth be totally faithful to his/her spouse. 

• Ariene said on Feb 23, 2007....

  CW - For years, I wondered why this woman stayed in this disfunctional marriage. I assumed it was purely financial, but I guess it had a lot to do with broken dreams and promises. Your a wise woman...thanks.

• quidnunc said on Feb 23, 2007....

  ginger, what a beautiful and straightforward way to say it.
  
  cw, do you think there would still be a chance to rejuvinate and jumpstart your marriage? your husband must make you feel you are important to him.
  

• CreativeWoman said on Feb 23, 2007....

  Ariene,
  Me, wise?  Probably not, but it is how I feel about it.
  
  quid,
  I really don't think there is.  If we could make a new start away from his family then there might be, but I've talked with him about it and he won't do it.  He can't separate from his dad. 
  
  I really have tried to be a good wife and to save what we had.  I can't do it anymore.  Not receiving anything in return for what I give is taking its toll on me.
  
  He does not make me feel important to him.  I'm an afterthought about most things.  I wish it weren't so, but it is.
  
  CW
  

• quidnunc said on Feb 23, 2007....

  cw, a husband's continuing inability to separate from his own dad is a psychological incapacity. the way i see it, your husband is incapable of performing the essential marital obligation -- of loving you and taking care of your whole being. you deserve to be happy.
  

• Just4fun78 said on Feb 23, 2007....

  DENY...DENY....DENY (until it eats him up inside and finally breaks down because he deserves all the heartache for cheatin'...lyin bastard!!! lol)

• sam_ting_wong said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I am sorry to hear your story CW. I hope you will find your happiness.

• sidhe said on Feb 23, 2007....

  Well, when I was confronted about my infidelity I confessed it.   Perhaps that's why we're still able to be friends.

• Lucytorial said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I don't think it's right to elt things even happen.... hey why do I want to be with this person more than my spouse?

  I think honesty starts with the self... if you can be honest with yourself then you can be honest with those you love or claim to.

  It does however take a brave and forthright person to own up once they have committed adultery.  My husbands last wife did it with numerous men behind his back and he had to chase her to another state to prove it! this is painfull when lies and as ginger put the things you don't say are made out to be the truth... too many people get hurt I think.  For the wrong reasons, its far better to hurt your loved one by talking with them honestly telling them "he this is what I think, I'm not connecting with this marriage or partnership and I'm sorry for hurtng you but I can't be with you"  this at least allows a person to go through the greiving process faster and without so much anger....

• shortone said on Feb 23, 2007....

  Sometimes it is not the confession or denying the infidelity that would be in question, but rather the emotional turmoil one endures knowing they were unfaithful.
   
  I have never been unfaithful to my husband.  He once said if I was he would leave, end of story. 
   
  My husband knows me so well and I have been with him so long I could not imagine enduring a lie like that and not feeling guilty and wrong to the point of confessing.
   
  I also trust him and know him well enough I am 99.9% sure he would not cheat on me.  And if he did, I would rather not know. 
   
  Our marriage has a lot to endure - an autistic child, money concerns, no outside family support, etc.  I know an act of infidelity on my part would ruin not just my life but also my children's.  If he cheated I believe I would forgive him.  I can't imagine my life without him.
   
  That being said, for the first time since my marriage I do have an attraction for another person and I told my husband point blank because I can't not tell him that.  He is 15 years younger than me and there is just something about him that I am attracted to.  My husband does not pay much attention to me and is in his own little world most of the time.  This kid flirts with me and even touches my hair or gives me hugs sometimes at moments when I really need it.  I do not love him or really even know him.  It is truly just physical and a little bit fantasy because he is incredibly good looking and I never had a good looking "hot" guy ever pay attention to me.  I have emotionally fought myself about the "what if's" of our relationship.  He does not give me the time of day other than flirting but I get a vibe he has the same feelings for me as I do for him.  As fate would have it there is a slim to none chance we would ever be alone in a situation to allow infidelity to happen.  I consider it a blessing myself.  Though I would never WANT to be unfaithful and I love my husband, I believe my emotions could get the best of me in a situation like this and I would have nothing but regrets later.  My husband does not question my attraction to this kid.  He merely thinks it is work flirtation and has even met the guy.  And you know, that kind of perturbs me but I can't explain why.

• yani said on Feb 23, 2007....

  I'll confess.

• moonriver said on Feb 24, 2007....

  i can't generalize, since every marriage or long-term commitment is shaped differently, despite deep moral and cultural expectations. aside from the state of the marriage (how strong or weak its foundations are, how mutual the expectations are), one big factor would also be the exact nature of the infidelity -- it could range from a long-term bigamy (e.g. husband has a secret second family), to a forgettable one-night drunken mistake. it depends on such factors.
  
  ah, but i'm lecturing like a lawyer or counsellor, quidnunc :-) in my case, my wife and i give space to each other's secrets and fantasies. but, despite our problems and insecurities, we also know each other well enough to sense when the danger line is being crossed. in that situation, which hasn't happened yet, i'm sure she will find out the truth soon enough, and i can only soften the blow by telling her myself before the shit hits the fan. not just the who and when and where, but most importantly, the why.
  
  either way, it will be messy. i've seen enough of it among relatives and close friends. if you ask me, honesty is still the best policy, whether the affected couple are headed for breakup or reconciliation.
  
  
  

• girlfriday said on Feb 24, 2007....

  shortone,its so nice to see that u have such ahealthy relationship with ur husband.

   i too tell him about all my fantasies...coz he's the one who introduced this amazing world to me (of enjoying your own body!!) i'll be forever grateful to him for this!!

   but i love him with all my heart but am also more than a little friendly with someone else. this i tried to share with him but stopped midway coz he was getting too nosy! then i continued with the calls without telling my husband about it. now though i'm close to my husband i am close to this other person too and he has become important too......not that i'd reck my marriage for anything  but just for my own self...u could say for my ego ...this other guy is dammmmn good!!!! 

   loads of times its at the tip of my tongue to tell my hubby everything but everytime i hold back!!!! i know he'll be very hurt that i didnt tell him earlier about it!!! not that i'm doing anything with this other guy....just him being there for me and talking to me is more than enough and i revel in that too!!!!

    now i'm in a dilemma wether to tell hubby or not...i think its best not to...what he doesnt know wont hurt him??!!!

• kruuyai said on Feb 24, 2007....

  Ariene: Your question would have made a great post in and of itself.  For me, it would depend on whether or not I was still getting what I wanted and needed out of the relationship.  "Fidelity" is not a very important thing to me, because I don't think of my partners as posessions.  I don't see polygamy as a problem.  The only way it would be a problem for me was if my partner became emotionally distant from me, or spend significantly less time with me than I wanted, or if he was playing around while insisting that I remain monogamous.  It works both ways. 

• Ariene said on Feb 24, 2007....

  I understand what you're saying, Kruuyai, but wouldn't you tend to become emotionally involved with a man you were having a relationship with outside of your marriage, unless it was very short term? Is it possible to have an affair just for sex and then go back to your life partner for your emotional needs or could you confide in two men at the same time? I, personally, couldn't initiate a relationship just for sex, but I'm not saying I couldn't, nor wouldn't, have an affair...just that I'd probably get emotionally involved and spend less and less time with my husband.

• kruuyai said on Feb 25, 2007....

  I don't ever get involved just for sex.  Of course, I would be emotionally involved.  But I don't see that as a problem.  I really believe that the more love you give, the more you have to give.  But personally, I would never have a husband in the first place.  Marrying someone usually implies monogamy.  And I don't have a great deal of sexual need, so for me personally, I would be more likely to have emotional involvements with more than one man rather than physical ones, although there might be some overlap there as well.  Actually, the only relationships I've been able to be easily monogamous in are the ones where there is an understanding that monogamy is not a condition of being in the relationship.  When I have that freedom, and I've got the companionship of my partner, and I'm happy with that companionship, then I'm much less likely to  want to look elsewhere for my needs, regardless of whether or not I'm sexually active with my partner.  But if I feel tied down, I am very likely to rebel.  I don't want to be owned.  I will not be owned.

• crissyannlewis said on Mar 12, 2007....

  Honestly, i would not tell her about the affair but i would tell her i want counceling to work on what made me cheat to begin with. If you really love your wife and want to work it out then as soon as you tell her its over. So i would go to counceling and work our problems out. On the other hand could i live with the guilt? Can you work on the relationship without a clean slate?

• purewil said on Mar 15, 2007....

  personnally I would want someone to tell me wether or not they had an affair. It make it so much clearer as to what person your dealing with, instead of dealing with the facade of faithfullness. so in short I would tell her. I mean think about it... when I get married I don't wanna waste any more time than I have to on someone that throws my feelings out the window. If I was caught doing that I would want her to make up her mind about wether she would want to leave. Infidelity will and always will be a waste of time, and personally there is no justification for it... period.

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