Yesterday, today, I trudge forth, often I must steady myself. I have never completely given in to the doubts; I have come close. My fears do not allow me to guarantee tommorrow, equally they do not allow me to not consider a tommorrow. I feel as if I am waiting, I am not sure for what, not an urgent waiting, but a nagging, a pulling, a pebble that you turn over and over in the palm of your hand. It is like sitting before the tracks, you are at a station, but you do not know if the train will arrive, or if it ever will. You often think of standing up and walking away, but what if at that very moment the train is in the distance, coming closer, and by the time you wonder if you should have stayed, the train will have left, so you stay. I am not sure if i have seen a train to recognize it, or perhaps my hands are numb, and when i reach out i do not detect the heat.
I am sitting beneath the sun, the moon, the clouds, the sky; I am sitting before the ocean, the lakes, the rivers, they all seem endless. I know that we can visualize earth as a separate object within the universe, but for me even now i feel as if the land that separates counties is so vast that it cannot be calculated. Earth has never been my coffin, it is my blindness that makes me unsteady. I think at times I am aware of the ties I have with others, and yet I still feel there are vast spaces between us. I believe all seek answers and gurantees when their mortality comes into question. Many seek answers before death, but the pursuit is never as pressing until they feel they must tally up their existence and cash it in for some comfort. I believe that the comfort I seek now, the same comfort I have pursued since I can remember, is the same compensation others seek toward the end. But it isn't the uncertainty of the everafter i seek, rather an understanding of the here and now.
I do not think my situation is that difficult to understand, if you have never seen a plane in any form or image, then you would have great difficulty in conjuring up an image of a plane, even greater difficulty in understanding how it works. Well I never witnessed stability; I saw puppets, but never puppeteers. I am supposedly meeting them for the first time now, but they still seem unreal. I do not know for sure if I can recognize a true puppeteer, or if they even exist. They must exist, or society would never have changed so many times, some changes for what seems good, and others for what does not seem good. Ok, so I want to be a puppeteer. I want to run my life; I want to feel it snug and warm against my hand, as I maneuver the puppet, which is how I make my way through life. The more time you have as a puppeteer, the more fluid and real your puppet seems. So now I am in intense puppeteer classes, and relish the day I meet a compatible puppeteer for the other hand, we would be a team, our puppets dancing across the stage of life.
I am already aware that for every act, there is an end, and I am ok with that; I just want to have one good play before my career is up. My mind is already certain about the everafter, certain that it is settled as much as it ever has been, and ever will. I take comfort in knowing that the everafter is in fact, the everafter. You see there is one thing for sure, if something exists it does not matter if we see it or understand it, existence is, so therefore, the everafter exists whether i understand it or visualize it. It is a guaranteed train ride that comes at the end of your life. My comfort with this comes from the belief that there is no variety of everafter, no religious qualifications, no ethnic criteria, no blood lines required, all that is required is you.
Ok, who is God, what does he or she or it want, what has he or she or it directed me to do, or not do? Well I know that GOD stands for something greater than me and all the universe, so therefore I choose not to second guess what may exist. If God exists, than God exists. Something so great is capable of taking care of me, and everyone else regardless of the circumstances. Certainly my understanding of GOD will not change the everafter, and quite honestly I have no clue as to the details. I know no one does, because, if they did, their would not be a million religions with a million different viewpoints, and a million atheists who find GOD in the end, or a million religious people who find buddha, or buddhists who find christianity, and the list goes on. What all this variety amounts to is uncertainty, uncertainty is to be expected. I am certain, certain that I do not know didly squat about GOD. I know that when people believed the earth was flat, and swore to it, and never sailed beyond a point, having died and never having discovered the globe, still lived on an earth that was infact not flat. So for all those who do not discover the layout of God in their lifetime, it will not change the substance of God. So for me in regards to the everafter I do remain optimistic, I know it cannot hurt, something so great to me would be kind, and such kindness would only require that I do my best and leave the rest for those with the power.
I will not bother myself with trying to determine who has a ticket to the everafter, I know we all do. I will not bother myself with trying to manipulate the everafter because, I do not know how. I will not drag others into my uncertainty and exclude others so as to lessen the uncertainty. I will not claim to speak on behalf of the everafter; nor will I claim others do, past, present, or future. I will not try to save others, I cannot. I will not try to get others to save themselves, that is merely me masquerading my fear of not being able to save myself, using others as an exscuse to cement my beliefs and lessen the fears. I will not try to determine the cast system of those that have lived, are living, or will live, as it still involves the everafter, which to my knowledge, no one has ever returned from; my knowledge includes my awareness, not, once again the multitudes of variations on the matter. What is it then that I possess now; I possess this moment and only this moment; I cannot take with me any tangible object, so then what am i left with, I am left with the totality of my experiences as they circulate through my mind. I want to add to my skills the expertise of a puppeteer, a puppeteer who can entertain, dazzle, and bring to life a simple piece of cloth. I want to possess the skill to manage my own life. I am working on it. I am learning.
How was today, I am not sure, was it better than yesterday, more tolerable, less chaos, so, on a scale of one to ten, with ten being the best, I would say yesterday was a five, and today more along the lines of a six. I am working on learning how to maintain sixes to seven's and hopefully will master the eights, with dips into the nine's, and a ten on a rare occassion, this I think is realistic. Before I lived among the two's, danced on occasion with the zero to one's; recently I have graduated to pretty constant three to five's, but I recognize that I have felt the warmth of sixes to seven's, otherwise I am sure I would not be here.
Me
draft #3
