I
was pondering the other day as to whether or not I should air out some
of my experience of what happens to a woman after she leaves an abusive
situation. I am sure men suffer as well after leaving- maybe more so
because there is very little help for men in comparison. However as I
can only write on my experience all I can tell is through my female
eyes. Many have told me its been a long time since I left and I need to
get over it. I have to say that if you have not lived it then you
should kindly shut your mouth and just read this with an open mind. I
also do not want anyone who may be in a violent situation to be swayed
from leaving the situation after leaving this. I do however want you to
know it is not all sugar coated like others would have you believe. I
left seven years ago and to this day have still felt like I am being
abused. I think society in general is very ignorant and really does not
want to know what happens to someone once they leave. Simply put it is
a long road and it is a painful and degrading one. First off I want to
explain about the shelter experience. These shelters are not cozy
little places with loving people to guide you. Sure some of the people
working in them really care. Honestly- those caring people are far and
few in between. I have been called names by the counselors, I have been
treated like I was a lower form of life. I was told by one counselor
that she was sick of having to babysit screwups every night because
they were not smart enough to get a place of their own before leaving.
When you have to leave everyone you love and everything you know behind
to go into hiding in another state; because even though you left your
abuser four years prior he hunts you down again and trys to kill you
and your child, the last thing you want to hear is things like that
counselor said to me. A shelter is comparible in many aspects to a
jail. You are not allowed to make phonecalls, you are not allowed to go
places or even outside, you are not allowed to make a bag of popcorn
after nine at night; if you do you better hope the counselor on duty
does not catch you and if she does she might just send you to bed
lights out or write you up in violation. It is a known fact that
children who have seen domestic violence act out on the parent who is
not abusing them. With this said I will now say that in one place I was
put in hiding, my child reacted by beating on me. Instead of getting us
therepy, the counselors tried to order my child into state custody for
the fact that she was abusive to me. She was only four at the time. She
had already suffered enough and if they would have taken her they would
have made me sign off my parental rights. I do not understand how these
people thought that this would in any way help my child recover and get
back to normal. Mind you I left my abuser when she was exactly one
years old. The reason I have had to go into hiding is because every
couple of years he decides to find me and kick my damn door in. I want
to know how this is my or my childs fault. Instead of punishing me and
my child maybe the people who run the system should start punishing the
abusers instead of the abusees. Many people have asked me why I stayed
with him when he beat me. Maybe it was because of how I got treated
when I tried to leave. In the state I live in 75% of the women who have
left there abusers have lost custody of there children to these same
violent men who have beat them or raped them or tried to rip there damn
throats out. These children often end up dead or at the very least
abused themselves. At least if you are in the enemies den you know how
they think and your defenseless child at least has you to protect them.
No not all mothers protect their kids like they should but I was not
one of those mothers. I almost died numerous times protecting my child
and can say that my children did not get beat or physically harmed with
me there. Yes it was still indirect abuse by them hearing me get beat-
but I did not let him hurt my babies. I will now give you an actual
example of what I mean. After I left him the courts did not see fit to
take away his parental rights. I was ordered to let him have supervised
visits at his parents house. I was against this because I knew it was
still not safe and pleaded with the judge to set up the supervised
visits at a dhs office. I was denied that. Three years ago I sent my
daughter for one of her "supervised" visits. It is the last visit she
has ever had or ever will have with her father again. When I picked her
up most in the house including her father were drunk. I ended up having
to bring her to the doctors. Me and my brother took her. My child told
her doctor about how her daddy punished her by wrenching her neck. All
the ligaments in her neck on one side were torn. She could not turn her
head for over three days and had a huge lump. She was in a lot of pain.
Legally I am going against the custody order from court because I will
not let her have any more visits. Her pediatrician called the state,
her counselor called the state, I called the state- and nothing was
done. He had no charges pressed, no rights taken and still has another
child from another woman in his care. He came very close to breaking my
child's neck and killing her. Her pediatrician at least put it in her
charts under doctors orders that she is not to have any type of contact
with her father- direct or indirect. He has been more help to us than
any court system. This happens more frequently then I believe the
public wants to know. My child has frequent nightmares and constantly
blames herself. It does not matter how many times I tell her she did
nothing wrong. Domestic violence does not end when you leave. Because I
have been in hiding more than once I have unexplainable gaps in my
resume. I legally cannot explain my whereabouts to a future employer. I
also cannot give an explanation as to why I do not show up anyplace on
the radar sometimes for a year at a time. Most employers have told me
because of this that I am untrustworthy therefore unhirable. I am an
extremely hard worker if someone would only give me a chance. Yet I
often do not get the chance to prove this as I rarely get given a job
after the gaps in my resume are noticed. I am working right now
fulltime at a school- with no pay. It has been two years and I have not
been able to find a paying job because of my gaps. I am hoping that
eventually, since this is my second year at the school, that I will
have enough experience to prove that I am worthy of being hired. The
abuse I suffered also took its toll on my body. I almost died a month
ago due to it. My uterus had extreme damage due to violent rape and
beatings. The damage of it just now showed up seven years later. I
almost bled to death. I have not had nightmares in such a long time
untill recently. Since my surgery the nightmares have come back full
force and I rarely sleep. I also know that I am not out of the woods
with my health. Some may think as they read this that I should just
stop whining. I say to any that think that- live in my shoes and you
would not be able to stand in them for one day! This is the reality of
what women or men like me go through. I have to live every day with the
fear of him coming back. I have recently found out that my estranged
husband told my abuser where I live and has had conversations with him.
Since I have a stalker and my belief is that it is my estranged husband
- I now again live with the reality that I may have to take my child
and go into hiding again. My abuse has not ended- it has not even come
to a standstill- it sits on the line waiting for when I am vulnerable-
waiting for me to get tired and let my guard down. I left the abuse so
long ago- yet it has not left me or my child's minds- we try very hard
to live a normal life- maybe if outsiders understood the real dynamics
they would not be so quick to judge others like me. The night I left my
abuser seven years ago- he almost killed me and tried to burn our child
alive and held her hostage. He only recieved two months in jail total
for his actions. Instead of wondering why I still suffer- maybe society
should wonder why he only got two months in jail. Maybe if the
punishment fit the crime and the abuser got punished instead of the
victim being blamed me and my child would have been able to lead a
normal life years after the fact.
By haod
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