I am tossing this around... and I still can't decide. Let me explain the problem, it is kind of a weird situation, so bear with me.
When I was 21, I engaged in a series of one night stands. I became pregnant by Dave-a man I didn't love-, and to be honest didn't even really like... but hey he was cute and I was.... well, 21.
It turned out it was the best thing that ever happened to me. As you know my kids are the most important thing in the world to me. My son was born, and I was a MOTHER. Everything was second to him. His father and I maintained a civil relationship for my son's sake. My son was perfect and wonderful and just what I needed. My life had direction and focus and I was very happy.
I met Sam, and got married. I found out I was pregnant. At the same time, Dave informed me that he had gotten some woman pregnant (he was still on the one night stand thing). When I was about 6 months pregnant, this woman gave birth to Dave's son. I never saw her or met her, but apparently she was a real loser. I heard she did drugs when she was pregnant, and had been in jail several times. Anyway, one day Dave calls me and says that the police called him, they were taking her to jail and he needed to come get his baby or they would take him to foster care. Dave works rotating shifts and wanted to know if I could keep the baby that day while he figured out what to do.
I reluctantly did. You see, I was selfish and I didn't want this baby around me or my husband and our family. I wanted as little as possible to do with Dave. I was trying to clean up and become a good person, and he was a reminder of my wilder, dumber days. But this was an innocent baby, and there was no way I couldn't take care of him. So at the age of 2 months, I met my son's baby brother, Luke.
Time went by, I saw Luke when Dave would come to pick up my son. His mother ended up going to prison, and Dave got full custody of Luke. When Luke was about 2, he noticed that my son and my new daughter called me mommy. He walked up to me, and said "I want a mommy too. You are my mommy too!"
Well, my heart was in my throat, but I held him and told him I would be his mommy too. I fell in love with him at that moment. From that time on, I have been his mom. He is treated exactly like my other kids. He has his own room at my house, Dave and I share custody (although not legally), he calls my children his brother and sisters (I had another daughter 4 years ago), we list my house as his primary residence. I take him to all his doctor appointments, I take care of him when he is sick, I spank him when he is naughty. I honestly love him just as much as the other three. We have just incorporated him into our lives the same as the others.
He doesn't know I am not his real mom. He has no idea there is some other woman out there. He just turned 10. When should I tell him? I don't want to upset him. I want him to feel safe and secure and to know that it doesn't matter to me that he started out a little differently from the other three. But I also don't want him to grow up and be angry that I kept it from him. He has a right to know, even though it makes me ill that she might try to come back into his life when she hasn't once called or written in 10 years to see if he is okay.
When do I tell him? How do I tell him? How do I make sure that he knows that no matter what, I will always be his mom? It gives me nightmares sometimes, thinking about the ways this could turn out. I just want to do what's right for him.
Any thoughts?
