There are some gestures that hit you strongly and simply make you see better where you are. What you have become.
See, I lied to you. When I told you I didn’t have anything for Valentine’s day ....well....I lied.
Because, last Wednesday, somebody actually brought flowers in my house.
Somebody actually left chocolate kisses and smiles.
Somebody actually drove 30 minutes from his house to my house to deliver a hug and smiles.
Yes, it happened.
Only... I didn’t receive the flowers, I didn’t get the chocolate kisses, I didn’t see the smiles and felt the hug.
All of that has been for my daughter,
From her father.
My ex husband.
He called and asked me if he could drop by to give our daughter something for Valentine. I asked what? Flowers, he said, and chocolate. May I? He asked.
I said, of course. She will be thrilled. Thanks for the thought.
I was in the kitchen when he knocked at the door. I called the dog close so he wouldn’t have barked but my dog recognized his smell....he has been his past owner after all.. my dog still perks his ears up when he hears his pick up down the road.
My daughter run to open the door. I heard him saying “Happy Valentine, sweetie. There, this is for you. How are you honey?”
I remained in the kitchen. I couldn’t bring myself to go at the door and see him and say hello. .
So I didn’t. It was their moment, a father-daughter moment.
But I also realized that seeing him it would have only stained again my armor, the one I started to wear the day he left me. See, I wanted to keep that protective shield immaculate clean and shining.
No stains on it.
Tears can run down and bounce off its steel. They run away like a river stream.
Seeing is different. My eyes still cant take in his reality, now forged so completely separated from mine.
Its a funny mechanism, you know...I prefer in this way. It helps my recovery.
So I heard the voices, the giggling and the laughs. She told him she loved him and she loved the flowers. He said ok, baby, see you next week end.
The dog wagged his tail at him He closed the door.
He was gone.
My house could breathe again. I could get out of the kitchen.
My daughter showed me the flowers. We put them in a nice vase. She shared with me some chocolate and we went on with our evening. With our lives.
It was only Valentine’s day.
Two yeas after the last one we spent together when the same man drove home and brought flowers and chocolate kisses with a card, brought hugs and smiles.
And after only 6 days took his bag and drove his pick up away and left me for ever.
Never believe to those flowers. They might be deceiving.
Me?....I keep polishing my armor......
