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Another challenge. This time from VICARIOUS.
 

My heart pummels at my chest as I look out. The black and white of dusk and snow. Tree fingers scrape on the window, panicking me away from the sill. But not knowing forces me to return. And look. And wait. Every sound is a footstep in the snow. Every shift in shadow amongst the trees is him. The fear grips me, ice in my heart. Frozen inside like the land without. My eyes dart and search. Seeing shapes that are not there. Braches form a hand, snow banks and bushes become crouched forms, every tree hides his form anew. All watching me. All ready to come for me. Just waiting to see that movement that will toll my time. My breath catches at every new gust of wind. I stare out till I hear the click of the lock behind me and freeze



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Comments

  • Dicconzane said on Feb 16, 2007....
    All criticism welcome.
  • silverwhisper said on Feb 16, 2007....
    dicconzane: o, nice! good descriptions, nicely-built tension...well done!

    ed
  • VICARIOUS said on Feb 16, 2007....

    I like this because it leaves so much to your imagination.

    What is he going to see come through the door? Your references to what is seen is not actually seen. Shapes create monsters; however, monsters of all types brak into homes. Well done.

  • VICARIOUS said on Feb 16, 2007....

    I like this because it leaves so much to your imagination.

    What is he going to see come through the door? Your references to what is seen is not actually seen. Shapes create monsters; however, monsters of all types brak into homes. Well done.

  • copsunited said on Feb 17, 2007....
    I know God will hate me for doing this, along with everyone else, but
    it really needs lots of work. The fact is the premise is great and the
    vision is there but the words once in a while get in the way.
     
    In this instance..less is more. " ...will toll my time.."..?Now that was just
    excess verbiage. Ahem..My humble opinion.
     
    Oh..remember what I said about just doing your own thing and quit trying
    to build a bridge using bilge water?? Your doing it again. Silverwhisper
    came up with a GREAT idea..why not leave him to bask in it before trying
    the same thing?
     
    If you have something to say that is profound..the readers will find you.
  • Eclipsa said on Feb 18, 2007....
    I really like this, and I think it is well written.  I like the suspense. 

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A short story inspired by autumn. How I love it: death, decay, decomposition... but with a promise of birth, regrowth. I'm drawn to the idea that not only our bodies, but our ideas, loves and conflicts can recycle in the earth after our death....
fiction - part one...
They both had a wonderful lunch....
He looke up from the menu......
A well thought out query as to the accuracy of my writing, and the necessity of pointing out the vague obviosity of my postings....

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