i moved to california with a dream and an inkling.  i moved on from my life as i knew it, to once again, dive head first into the wonders of the unknown.  thrilling.  terrifying.  essential.  costa rica had changed me.  it showed me who i was.  what i could do.  how i could live.  what i was truly capable of.  tested my strength, character, mind.  straight out of college and with no other clue besides the fact that america was going to be out of my life for four weeks, i let bravery flourish and fear subside.  thank me.   i met a young man in the course i was taking in the jungle who i think i loved before i ever met.  what a glorious human.  meeting him was unexpectedly expected.  i knew my trip to costa rica was going to lead me somewhere.  i knew it was going to be for good reason.  after the course ended (the course, by the by, was on primate behavior for those of you reading who don't know me or my life...i lived in the isolation of the rainforest for four weeks.  it was wild.  never  before this experience had i been so awake to the trivial complaints that consume lives in the states.  no electricity or luxury of any kind.  just conversation with brilliant young people accompanied by bouts of mania and laughter and dreams of iced coffee and meals that consisted of anything but rice and beans, all the while being eaten as was by bugs bigger than you ever thought could be.  i don't think i've ever scratched myself as often or as vigorously as i did in those days.  my ankles were left so remarkably scarred i never thought they would heal.  the wounds were astonishing.  bug spray was worn like perfume.  it had to be put on every day, multiple times a day, sprayed all over one's body.  head to toe.  it deterred the bugs very little as my war wounds were as alive as the blood thirsty insects whose hunger was unstoppable.  the feeling of hot water was quickly forgotten and the life of true cleanliness had died.  at least we all itched, smelled, and longed for cold drinks together.  we had so much fun.  it was so amazing.  they called me the "barbie doll" of the jungle because i wore pink even though we got so muddy the color of our clothes, regardless of their original origin, always ended up being brown.  i suppose i was barbie because style is a part of my life always, even if i'm on the hunt for primates.  for a new york barbie, though, i was a goddamn soldier.  and also, if you've never been to the rainforests of costa rica then you simply have no idea how challenging the course of the jungle is.  it kicks your ass every time.  you've never known anything like it.  accompanied by the barely bearable humidity and heat, it was, to say the absolute least, quite an undertaking) i had my mom delay my flight so i could spend an extra eight days in the county of pure life.  i backpacked through it with the glorious young man i mentioned above.  it was superb.  i remember the exact moment i realized i could do anything.  go anywhere.  it was in the morning and we were at the most beautiful hostel i've ever seen.  we were watching a movie, still in the process of waking up.  i believe i was eating these red jellybeans i found at a nearby supermarket and bought regularly as i found them to be delicious.  they were kept in the refrigerator when i wasn't eating them to prevent melted beans.  they were strawberry flavored.  i was talking to logan (his name is logan) about how uncertain i was about what i would do with my life when i returned home.  costa rica was so dreamy and i was mortified to leave it.  funny how things work out.  the whole time i had this understanding followed by fear that i had to go back to new york.  i couldn't stay in this land of beauty forever.  i had a life to live.  a purpose to find.  a career to build.  a soul to unfold. a home to return to.  upon arrival back in the states, i did not know what i would do.  i only knew i didn't..couldn't..stay.  school was done.  costa rica, by that time, would be done too.  i had no plan.  no idea.  i remember talking about this with him (as i did with many throughout my time in costa rica) and saying something like "well maybe i'll get a waitressing job and save up money."  and logan's response (the response that introduced me to a perspective that drove my move to california, the words that set my life in motion, the conversation that reminded me how much this world was mine) was something to the nature of "you're going to be a waitress?  no. you just got your degree, anyone can be a waitress.  you just got your degree. that means something.  use it."  oh my god.  you're right.  dammit.  i did just get my degree.  i technically graduated from college in costa rica. i took my last final in the rainforest classroom.  had my last undergraduate college lecture in complete and total isolation in a foreign country.  costa rica credited me with the last requirements necessary to get my degree.  the second i walked out of the classroom after taking my final i was done with undergraduate school.  it was such a feeling.  logan's response to my turmoil about what i was going to do with myself upon arrival in the states was one filled with sense.  it just hadn't really occurred to me.  i needed him to say it.  the person i had grown to admire and respect.  whose brilliance left me in awe.  whose humor left me aching.  whose company made me happy.  my time in costa rica, the people i met, the conversations i had, the hills i climbed, the tests i took, the strength i had, that chance i took...it led me here. 



more will be told.



the universe will answer your wish.  your wish is its command.   promise you this.    



use your energy wisely.