I don't know where to start. But I have wanted to tell someone for the longest time what I've been suffering from for years. I am miserably,pathetically,and very shamefully insecure. Who isn't right? Well,if this is normal I don't want to be! I would rather be an outcast. I've had the same bf for just about 4 years. We've been on and off. On and off. And so on! Throughout this courtship (ha!) I have developed the worst case of self conciousness,jealousy,rage and insecurity. I actually envy people who do not get jealous because I do! It's gotten so bad that we can't even sit down and watch a television show without me feeling jealous about what he's thinking about the hot blonde half naked. Poor guy is afraid to even look at the tv when I'm around!! I no longer watch mtv,vh1,any kind of reality show,you name it. If theres an attractive girl on the tv I get uncomfortable and extremely paranoid. (Let me just say this is taking a lot of me to even confess this, I am embarrassed..lol) I do,however,watch all these shows when I am alone. And as soon as he walks in the room I flip the channel. I just don't want him to see it! I am THAT insecure I guess. And not to brag or sound arrogant,but I am not an ugly girl. I'm attractive!!! There are some things I'd love to enhance and change(who wouldn't) I guess I just haven't accepted them as a part of me yet. I haven't learned to love myself for who I am. I've tried. I've tried hard. But I cave right in even when I've made progress. I always wonder if it's HIM who makes me feel this way. But I don't want to point fingers and especially if it's not his fault. I mean,this could be the longest blog in history but I don't want to bore you all. I'm just having a hard time understanding WHY I am so insecure and so paranoid that he is looking at other women. And if I hear that it's totally normal for men to look I will probably want to scream! I hate that......but I know it's true. I may be a totally obsessive and jealous person but there is one thing I still am, it's logical. Is that a bad combination? Even a possible one? Who knows!!!!
But one thing I do know is.... I feel much better!!!!
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