Where to begin.... *ponders*
Okay... I think I have it, but bear with me folks, this may turn into a long post. I'm just going to let it flow and see where it goes.
When I wrote my introduction post, after the MySpace one, of course, I said that I'm a person with very few close friends.... I went on to say that I hold my friends to a really high standard just as I expect them to do with me
Well.... I think I lied.
I came to realize in the last couple of days that I don't hold my friends to a high standard at all. In fact, I don't hold them to any standard really. To be my friend, you don't even have to make time for me... no phone calls, no lunches when I'm home, no long conversations, hell... you don't even have to look at me when I'm talking to you.
Here's the deal.... I have 4 very good friends.
*One's off in the Virgin Islands studying to be a vet, so as expected, we rarely see each other but talk on the phone for a couple hours a week. I'm thrilled that she can even find that much time for me with her insanely busy schedule.
*One is my cousin... We've recently gotten to know each other again after being separated for 13 years due to a family feud between our parents, all very sad, but enough said on this one, we could be twins and there's no stopping us when we get on a roll. She and I could sit and talk for hours on end.
*One is my Best Friend's soon-to-be husband. For some reason we can talk about anything and everything for hours. He's gotten me through a lot of boring states. He's also my housemate. (He and my best friend live in and take care of our house since we're home 5days every month and a half)
*And Lastly... My best friend, also called my sister on most occasions. We've known each other since early high school. Inseparable for as long as I can remember....
Okay, so here's the point of this.......
I try not to bother my best friend too much. She works long hours, getting up very early and going to bed early. I know she's the type that likes her peaceful downtime and with her 2 kids, well.... I just try to stay out of her hair. I usually only call her on Friday nights or the weekends. Like I said before, I'm a truck driver. So, as long as I'm awake, I'm available to talk. I'm a phone gal so I can talk for hours if you want, depending on my mood. And I don't expect everyone to be like me and cater to my serious phone addiction. Once in a while though.....
I still haven't gotten to the point, have I?
*sigh* I hesitate to write this post cause I feel like if I put it down I may have to just accept the relationship between me and my best friend for what it is. And as of right now.... I think that's nothing... plain and simple. There's just nothing there. For me, there's a deep sense of love for this woman I've known for half my life and I know her like the back of my hand but I suspect that on her end, this friendship would have dwindled away to nothing a long time ago if not for my persistence in the matter.
People change, it's just a fact of life. I think maybe I've overstayed my welcome with this one and for me..... well, it's been causing me a deep sense of pain for the last couple of days.
Like I said, I call her every weekend religiously, unless I know she's busy. But, the fact is, if I didn't call her, she wouldn't call me. I was out here 5 weeks before she called me. I can't even remember why she called although I'm positive she had a question about something or another. I'm not just pulling this shit out of thin air either... I actually experimented with this theory by not calling her until she made the first move once and I couldn't stand it... after a few weeks, I caved.
Our living arrangement is pretty simple. I try to be complacent with everything as long as things are taken care of as promised and for the 4 months or so that we've been doing this, they have been. I'd be lying if I didn't say though that I came to a point where I just wanted my house for myself and wanted them to leave. That's been resolved and we're making this work. I'd also be lying if I didn't say they have a very sweet deal with the arrangements we've made. I won't go into detail, but it works for all of us. By that I mean, it's just as sweet for us.
Here's my problem.... I feel used. Simply put, I think if not for this nice arrangement we have and how greatly it benefits her, she would have been long gone. I may have nothing to back this up, but I know what I know, and I know her. I guess by saying that I feel used I'm not really saying what I'm really thinking.
I'm angry, I really am.... pissed, hurt... whatever. I'm feeling it today more than ever before and I think maybe it's time to just call it for what it really is. A relationship of convenience.
BrenneeLee posted on Feb 12, 2007
| views: 397
Comments
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secretlife said on Feb 12, 2007....
i feel terrible for you because you are so obviously hurt today.
i don't know what happened to make you feel this way....i assume it was something specific and not just a feeling over time....
if the house deal is 'sweet' for everyone......meaning you and her, then that's separate from your friendship in my eyes. if you feel taken advantage of and really dont want to keep the house deal going, then i think you need to address that separately....
people do change. their lives change. she's got a family and kids and if nothing else changes people, kids do that. You've got a job that takes you far away...it's like she goes one way and you another. it's very hard to maintain a friendship thru raising a family.
my best friend has been my best friend since 8th grade.
we both married and began families around the same time.
she has 4 kids, i have 3. i work full time. i live 40 miles away.
we're LUCKY if we see each other twice a year.
I talk to her once a month on the phone unless something goes really wrong...and even then, i hate to bother her because she has a TON of her own issues to deal with and doesn't really need to add mine to the mix...
yet that call every month.....it's like no time has passed. i can still hear the little girl in her voice and remember sleeping over at her house and going to football games, being the first passenger in her car when she got her license...being maid of honor at her wedding, baptizing her son....
it's very hard to accept changes ...
i'm sorry you feel so badly. i don't really think it's a relationship of convenience, i just think the relationship is changing, and you don't have a good feel for how or why...
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BrenneeLee said on Feb 12, 2007....
I was a little leery of how long the post had gotten and I guess I should have mentioned that when we do talk on the phone, it's like pulling teeth to get her to talk to me. It's one-sided to say the least. I usually give up and just say my 'toodles'.
There was a specific event. I was considering another post to address that because it's another subject entirely. You're very intuitive, and thank you for commenting. It's good to know that the change part is natural. This though... this doesn't feel right.
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ALIENated said on Feb 12, 2007....
Truck driver? Twin cousin? Anyway, I think lots of relationships are one-sided. There is a giver, and there is a taker. When you can find a friend or lover that does both, then you have something. And I did not get that out of a fortune cookie.
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BrenneeLee said on Feb 12, 2007....
Thanks Alien.... ooooh fortune cookies, yum....
Yes truck driver, and yes, twin cousin... strange family we are. I never claimed to be normal.
I guess I just don't have any somethings then cause I've given all I have in all my relationships and I'm burnt out. Sad, but true.
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mom said on Feb 13, 2007....
I don't want friends. I don't like talking on the phone. When I have been a friend it has been a friendship of convenience. I have made myself available when ever they needed me. I have found that when I needed them they didn't have time for me. So I just let them go. I don't have time for friends, too much drama and disappointment. I like SC, I feel I have better friends here than I ever did in RL. -
silverwhisper said on Feb 13, 2007....
brenneelee, that's got to be a terrible feeling to realize that someone you hold close to your heart doesn't return the favor.
i don't quite know what to say, i'm afraid. i've had friends that i could not be in touch w/ 'em for a while but we pick up where we left off, and other friends that i talk w/ regularly. but not hearing from someone except for when she wants something...
[hug]
ed -
ThePickle said on Feb 13, 2007....
I'm just going to say i love you and leave it right there. -
ThePickle said on Feb 13, 2007....
You know what i lied. 1.yes, i hate speaking on the phone, avoid it like the plauge. I dont even call my own family! Yes crucify me all you want idc.2. I love you, dont care what you belive right now, i do.3. I will always be there for you, no matter what, i tried being mad and not talking to you and that worked for like a day. No matter where im living or why, or what the problem is, you call and anything i can do i will.4. as for friendship of convinence and sweet deal , whos feeding you thebullshit cause that doesnt ring a bell in my book.I fully admit that i am awfull about comunicating with people, i do it with everything, you heath the kids, my family. Have actully been thinking about that alot the past few days, i realize i need to put more effort in things that are really important, not whatever i had been doing. However fussy or hurt i am by your blog, i want to apologize and thank you for confirming somthing i had figured out just recently.If you can see to it give me a (what is this 6th, 100th?) chance to get us back to were we should be, ill await word. -
ThePickle said on Feb 13, 2007....
and no im still not calling you
unless i dont hear from you by tomorrow about this and the email i sent you earlier
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BrenneeLee said on Feb 13, 2007....
I'm going to reply, not because I want to, but because I think I have to.
1. Not being a phone person is one thing. Never calling the people you "love" is another. Ignoring those people while their on the phone with you is yet, another. It feels like I'm inconveniencing you whenever I call. No one's going to crucify you for it, but it's not something I'd be proud of.
2. I know that.... too many years and too much crap for me not to know that.
3. I never claimed that you weren't there for me when I needed you. But, it's not often that I need something from you. You aren't there when I don't need you and that's my problem.
4. I addressed this one in my reply to your email. When I said "sweet deal" I mean it was great for all of us. It works and that's what makes it sweet.
I realize that you may be "fussy or hurt" by my blog, but it is my blog and this is where I put the feelings and thoughts I don't necessarily talk about or that I haven't had a chance to talk about. The things that run through my mind on the road are endless and without some sort of outlet, I'm pretty sure I'd be a helluva lot nuttier than I am. And that, my friend, you shouldn't crucify me for.
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ThePickle said on Feb 13, 2007....
fine, im an awful friend. add that to the damn list. I'm done, just make sure there are lilys on my casket -
BrenneeLee said on Feb 13, 2007....
Omg, you just so pulled a "James". Don't sound defeated and then make it into a guilt thing. I never said that and you know me, I say what I mean. -
ThePickle said on Feb 13, 2007....
knowing you, id never try to guilt you, you get enough of that elsewhere, i have been feeling that way,and not just with you. was serious about the lilys tho, maybe some lavender also. -
BrenneeLee said on Feb 13, 2007....
Yeah, well keep that up and you'll get skunkweed -
ThePickle said on Feb 13, 2007....
??? your going to bury me with a blunt?
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BrenneeLee said on Feb 13, 2007....
No, we'd have to smoke that before you perish. I did see a nice plant that would go nice in your coffin but Scooby pee'd on it so it looks like we're out of luck. -
ThePickle said on Feb 13, 2007....
Might be even more fitting now
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BrenneeLee said on Feb 13, 2007....
Come to think of it, yes... it is *blows a kiss* -
HairSprayGirl said on Feb 28, 2007....
Sounds like we're in a similiar situation Bren. The one friend I do have,ever since kindergarten, never calls me. She lives a couple hours away and sometimes I don't call to see how long it takes her to call me. Most of the time it never happens. It's sad. She is so consumed with her own life,which is cool,but I think sometimes if I didn't stay persistent,like you,our friendship would have dwindled a long time ago. Sad. -
BrenneeLee said on Feb 28, 2007....
It is sad, but like this friendship, there are just some that I refuse to let go.... Our good times far outweigh our bad. I've been a horrible friend before, just like I'm sure everyone has. Funny though, how easy it is to point out other people's faults. I do that a lot, instead of realizing that it's a partnership... I start pointing my big, fat finger *grin*
Maybe that's why I'm here... SC kind of fills my gaps up. Where I'm lacking in one place or another I fill with these blogs. It's good to have people around, ya know?
And so... I'll forever stay persistent with the few people that I love... and my soulcast peeps of course.
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HairSprayGirl said on Feb 28, 2007....
Well that's why I joined SC. To find some true friends!! People who are unbiased and kind hearted. I've found both of those qualities in everyone so far. I love it. I am like you. I cannot let one of my friendships go because we have been friends for way too long. We grew up together and I love her like a sister. Just because she isn't acting the way I'd like her to, I'm sure I've done stuff she hasn't liked either. But I consider her like blood. Can't get rid of that.
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