Please don't reply to this post with sympathy or kind words. That isn't what she is trying to get. She is trying to get these demons off her chest and out of her heart and this is the only way she has right now. She isn't being melodramatic or asking for "support". She is just trying to somehow keep it together for her children.
Thoughts of death are calling to her. They are always there, whispering, but sometimes, like the past week, they are practically screaming in her face. They are inviting her and she is frustrated because she wants to accept and she can't. They promise her what she wants most- not to think.
Two things hold her back. First are her children. She can't do it to them. If she wasn't afraid of scarring them for life, maybe she could. But she can't do anything that might harm them. It is as impossible as not breathing. It just can't be done.
Second, she is selfish. She is afraid she will go to hell, and she doesn't want to go there. She has heard suicides are damned. Since it is already pretty questionable whether she could get to heaven now, it really wouldn't be a good idea to push it.
But it is so hard. The thought of being done is so beautiful. Even the thought of a deep and endless sleep is alluring in ways she can't aches for. Just to sleep and not have to think would be such a relief for her.
So she fights it. She pretends she is happy, and gives her son's 10th birthday party. She laughs and tells jokes and everyone has a great time. But inside, she catches herself thinking about the least painful way to do it. There is a bottle of Tylenol PM in her cabinet and she often pours them all in her hand and looks at them. Then she pours them back in the bottle.
She knows where her husband's guns are. She knows how to drive a car into something. She knows how to jump. But she can't.
So please take this, let her give someone else this burden. Please just read it, accept it and don't comment on it, but just take it from her. Maybe she'll talk to her doctor. But she is already on Prozac, it's not like she isn't trying. She doesn't want to be so pathetic, so needy.
Just take it, please. Don't say anything, just take it and let her rest so she can try and catch her breath. She will throw it out to cyberspace and let it go, if only for tonight. Take it take it take it.
