• dailyachesandpains said on Feb 11, 2007....

  Mimi:

  When I read posts like this I realize how lucky I am.  I live through pain, daily.  My Husband meets me half way.  He will bring the laundry down two flights and leave it for me to put in the wash.  I don't want him to put it in and start it because I never know when I can make it up and down the stairs to get to it.  Also, I don't want to depend on him for everything.  He'll wash the shower and tub for me and I'll get the toilets and sinks. 

  Could you talk to your Husband and ask him to meet you halfway?  I swear, if we didn't have our talk years ago, we'd be divorced by now.  The pain is awful and I can't even tell you how bad, but you know.  Let him know.

  What does piss me off about my Husband is when I say I have a bad headache.  He'll tell me I don't!  WTF!  If I say I have one, it's because I have one!  Or, he'll try to one up me when I speak of an operation I've had when others are around.  He'll chime in and say how much worse his surgery was.  Drives me freaking nuts, lol!

  {{{{hugs}}}

  Daily

• sweetsoul said on Feb 11, 2007....

  Honestly hon I've given up trying to understand your husband....but the first option actually had some merit to it. You've said he's the strong silent type...maybe he is worried...afraid...not only of the progression, but of having to live without you. We all respond in our own way.
   
  I might offer that if that's the case, his caring is misplaced in the future (for him) versus in the present for you...but I suppose it's possible.
   
  Sorry it's not easier for you ...but ask, ask, ask, ask, ask (you did say it was at least 5 times didn't you?)

• Alyss said on Feb 11, 2007....

  {hugs} mimi. 

• husbandhater said on Feb 11, 2007....

  Mimi we are twins. The only difference btw our hubbys is that yours will do"something" after being asked 1,000 times. Mines won't lift an ass cheek.
  What is it with these insensitive assholes we call husbands? We can break ass for them but they can't lift a finger for us.

• mom said on Feb 11, 2007....

  Men are deaf, mute assholes that think with their dicks.  If it isn't sex related then they don't know it exists.  My husband likes to play dumb, I odn't know maybe he is.  I can ask him something and he will say, "um' and then 5 minutes will go by and I will have to say "Yes?"  then he might finish his answer.

• Zayda said on Feb 11, 2007....

  Mimi--I don't understand why he doesn't help you until after you have asked for help five or six times.
  
  You gave two reasons--1) that he might be scared, and 2) that he is heartless.
  
  I wonder if there might be a third reason why he doesn't help without being asked.  (I'm not making excuses for why he doesn't help until you have asked 5 - 6 times.)  There could be a slim possibility that he doesn't help you without you asking because he is afraid that jumping in and helping before you ask will make you feel helpless.  And, as much as you value the limited independence you do have, he may not want to impinge on that limited independence. 
  
  Now, mind you, that still doesn't explain why it takes you asking for help 5 to 6 times before he actually helps you.
  
  Of course I may be giving him too much credit altogether by saying that he may not want to make you feel less independent.
  
  My mother has severe rheumatoid arthritis which will likely put her in a wheelchair within the next 5 years.  It affects her hands, her ability to walk without pain most days, her neck vertebra are starting to be worn away, and sometimes she can't lift her arms because of the pain in her shoulders.
  
  She is a stubbornly independent woman, however.  And many years ago, she told me that she preferred that we not jump in and help with things like opening jars or lifting laundry baskets, or lugging the heavy vacuum until she specifically asked for help.  She admitted that when we jumped in and helped without being asked that she felt like her independence was being stripped away.  She didn't want to be made feel more helpless by us when the disease was making her less independent on its own.  She said that she felt like a bit of her dignity was being taken away if we immediately jumped in to take over.  On some level, I understood that.
  
  So, I would stop automatically reaching for jars and opening them, or I wouldn't automatically reach for the laundry basket if I saw her carrying it.  Instead, I would watch carefully.  If she struggled with a jar lid for too long, I would ask, or I would just give her a particular look and she would just silently hand the jar to me.
  
  I still do that now when we visit, but as her arthritis has made things more difficult for her, she seldom struggles to open jar lids but merely hands them too me.  But, I had to get a bit sneaky with the laundry.  Instead of sorting the laundry for her and carrying it to the wash room, what I'll do is tell her I'm doing our--mine, my husband's and the little man's--laundry and ask her if she would like me to add some of her and my dad's laundry to the load.  This way, I can help her out without her asking.
  
  I don't know if this really helps with your situation.  And I am terribly sorry that you hubby doesn't seem to see your pain or, rather, doesn't seem to acknowledge that he does see it.
  
  {{{{Mimi}}}}
  

• silverwhisper said on Feb 12, 2007....

  what super z said. she is wise.
  
  ed

• Dicconzane said on Feb 12, 2007....

  I agree with zayda that there. Have you talked it through with him or would you be able to? Unless things are talked through it may be he's not sure how to behave and doesn't know when it would be ok to help.

• MissMimi said on Feb 12, 2007....

  Z, thank you.  What you said is very insightful.  I identify with your mom.  The times he does ask, I automatically say, I can do it.  I never considered that he might not want to usurp my independence.  Interesting.

  Thank you all for your comments.  I know I need to talk to him.  I need to work very hard to open up a line of communication.  Neither one of us is very good about doing that.

• Zayda said on Feb 12, 2007....

  Mimi--I only wish I knew how to get him to listen to you and to hear you.  I can't imagine how frustrating this must be for you.  {{{hugs}}}

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