• lioneljay said on Feb 10, 2007....

  Oddly enough, one of the most difficult for me was when I had to take our first dog to the vet to be euthanized. I hated dogs as a boy so it was out of character for me to get a dog. I had bought him as a present for my new bride but fourteen years later his liver failed and I was the one holding him while the vet did her job.

• gingersoul said on Feb 10, 2007....

  LJ.......no, its no odd at all.........

  i think the intensity comes from the fact that when we deal with other people we know they can understand our same experience...we have words and body language to help each other in communicating .....but with animals, with our longtime pet there is no way to share what we are feeling...

  but with them.....there are only those looks.....

  i had to put to sleep many pets and the next time wasn't easier than the previous one...

  they look at us with those big eyes, full of trust in us.....its hearthbreaking.....any time.....{hug}

• beyondtheveil said on Feb 10, 2007....

  ginger- Perhaps they didn't teach us because they didn't know how themselves. These farewells are similar to the post recently done on consoling others after a loss.
   
  I don't necessarily believe either are something taught, but rather something learned. We have to learn how to express ourselves in these situations.
   
  One of my most difficult was saying goodbye to a best friend of twenty six years when he moved.

• MissMimi said on Feb 10, 2007....

  It's so ironic that you should write this today, ginger. I was going to blog about it but I think I'll hide it in yours.

  
  

  Maybe it's weird, but I always remember dates; the dates I had my different surgeries, the date I graduated from high school, stuff like that. Today is the date that I spoke on the phone for the final time to a man whose friendship I valued very highly. I can't say it was unexpected, but having an inkling of it before hand didn't lessen the severity of the blow. We both cried.

  
  

  He left a permanent mark on my heart. I've never been through as emotionally hard a time as the past year.

  
  

  I regret very much that the last e-mail I sent him (after we spoke) was very angry, and I said some terrible things to him. All I could think of was I wanted him to hurt as much as I did. And I know he was hurting. It wasn't an easy thing for him to do.

  
  

  My brain says the friendship is gone, but try telling that to my heart.

• secretlife said on Feb 10, 2007....

  Ginger:  I hate goodbyes too.  I'm terrible at them, and I always tell myself that it's not really goodbye, but just 'so long for a little while'....

  of course lots of time that's just not true. 

  The worst goodbyes are the one's we say to loved ones when they die. 

  I remember getting to the hospital where they were keeping my dad alive just for me....i was the last to arrive.

  He was supposed to be coming home that morning, not dying.

  The night before he had been laughing with all of us.....making plans for the spring...talking about the things he was behind on....about planting the lilies...

  When i got there they'd already used the paddles twice.  And i wanted him to wake up so badly....why would he leave us?  who said he could leave us?  stay daddy.....don't go....his face had his normal smirk on it.  he looked happy...stay daddy......don't go.  He didn't listen. 

  wakes, funeral....putting him in the ground.  days of goodbyes....

  but for me, the way i got thru those days was my normal way.....'it's not goodbye...it's just so long for a little while'...

• mobil said on Feb 10, 2007....

  I had to say goodbye to my Father, it was expected he would die while I
  there with him. That didn't happen.
   
  Before I left his bedroom of many years, I knelt beside his bed and we talked.
  I had to catch a plane home and we'd had a great week together.
   
  Tears filled both our eyes knowing we would never see each other again.
   
  We did not sob, just tears rolling down our cheeks. I will always
  remember his last words to me.
   
  He whispered to me; You be strong now, you are a good man and will have
  to watch over this growing family and hold it together. We will meet again,
  I am very proud of you.
   
  I left and he died a few weeks later. This was a very difficult farewell.

• MissMimi said on Feb 10, 2007....

  Secret and mobil: Both of your stories have touched my heart. I am blessed in that I have not had to say the final goodbye to a loved one. The loss I suffered seems insignificant to what you have both experienced.

• momsrock said on Feb 10, 2007....

  The hardest for me was a motorcycle accident that killed a man that was like a brother to me. He had worked for my stepfather most of the time we were in high school and college...he spent holidays with us and every free minute he had was spent at our house. It was hard because it wasn't instant. He spent a week in the ICU alert enough to know he was dying while the hospital board evaluated whether or not his family could choose to take him off the life support or if he was aware enough to make his own decision. He spent hours blinking or squeezing hands while they asked him questions and he would try to communicate with his family about his funeral wishes. It should bring comfort knowing that he had a week to say all of his goodbyes and it was his choice to be removed from the machines when he was...but I can't get passed the idea of my son helping me plan his funeral...right down to the song that he wanted played...which was "It's my life" by bon jovi ironically enough. I just can't imagine how scared he must have been over that week knowing he was going to die. And how hard it must have been to motion to the hose breathing for him that it was time... it might have been easier for everyone else but I think it was horribly difficult for him.

• secretlife said on Feb 10, 2007....

  mimi:  don't be silly.  I could tell you of 1000 goodbyes I've had to do and not a single one would i consider silly or insignificant...

  i was going to write about saying goodbye to co-workers due to corporate downsizing but the memory of my dad popped in, and i went with it.

  Your feelings at the loss of your friend are no less valid that my feels of loss over my father. 

• Redhead said on Feb 10, 2007....

  I have to say, being new to SC - I am inspired by what a thoughtful group you all are.  I agree with beyondthevil that perhaps we aren't taught, because it's impossible to teach. 
  
  I moved around quite a bit as a child, my dad was/is a football coach... Unfortunately, that taught me to run away from most things I couldn't deal with emotionally.  I think experiencing any kind of loss triggers a spiral of emotions, some futile, some necessary to overcome such an overwhelming feeling of despair. 
  
  For me, it was always easier to disengage and tell myself that I didn't care, than to say goodbye.   My grandfather recently died of cancer, while I was pregnant with my third child - the first boy my family had seen in almost 30 years.  The week that he died, my mother and I had planned to visit him that weekend but he died that Thursday evening.  I continued to tell myself that I should have done this, or I should have done that - shoulding all over myself as I like to put it.  
  
  There is no easy way :(
  
  --red
  

• polarheart said on Feb 10, 2007....

  The most difficult goodbye was to my mother before she died.  All the children, who were living inland at that point, had travelled down to the coast to see her in hospital as her time was drawing to a close.  We all stayed there at my dad's place for a week, whilst my mom was in hospital.  She was very weak and frail, all I could do was cry. . .I was not much use.  After a week 3 of us had to go back due to work obligations.  My sister, the eldest, stayed with my dad and mom.  I had to say goodbye, knowing in my heart of hearts that I would never see her again (not in this life anyway).  She was moved to a hospice not long after we left and died two days later.
   
  The wonderful thing for me was that I had a dream after her death.  I dreamed that her and my dad had come up to visit me and they were on their way back home.  I dreamed that they were in my dad's old BMW ready to drive back and I leaned in through the open window and kissed her goodbye.  It meant a lot to me to have had that dream. I believe it was Heaven sent.
   
  (tears rolling down my cheek now)
   
  Polar
   

• gingersoul said on Feb 10, 2007....

  Polar...i was leaving the house and i checked brielfy this blog...I saw you comment and i can't help stopping here and writing you before leaving..

  i am so sorry , dear Polar...i couldn't be closer to you....

  That dream has been a true solace...i know it because when my dad and my best girlfriend died they visited me, many times, in my dreams. I wrote them dowm, one by one....any time i would wake up crying by with a deep sense of comfort...

  I am waiting for my sister now to come visiting in my dreams but i know i have stlil painful unfinished business that are preventing me to dream about her....i know this...

  I hug you tighly...{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}

  Thank you for sharing and i am sorry this post made you cry.....

   

• truthsayer said on Feb 10, 2007....

  You can count on that polarheart ~*~

  It also tells you that you did not let anyone down; it was just her time to fly.

• polarheart said on Feb 10, 2007....

  Dear Ginger,
   
  Thank you, angel, for your tender friendship.  Your loss is fresher than mine, I should be the one consoling you!
   
  Love knows no bounds and not even death can kill or destroy love, that is why the loss of someone we love still pierces our hearts even after many years.
   
  May you have a dream of your sister soon. . .may you find solace through that dream.
   
  Huge cosy {{{{HUG}}}} for you, dear friend!
  Love Polar

• kruuyai said on Feb 10, 2007....

  ginger, you must be psychic.  Today is the second anniversary of my last cat's death.  And she came to see me in a dream last night... something she hasn't done in quite a while.  The deaths of all three of my cats were the hardest farewells I've ever had to say.  The first one changed my life forever, because it was the first death of a truly "loved one" that I'd ever experienced.  I had some relatives, grandparents and such and other acquaintances that had passed away, but nobody that was in my life as much as those girls were.  I didn't think life could ever return to normal after that, and I felt somehow responsible.   i think you always do with pets.  When the last cat died, that was the end of life as I knew it.  Everything changed then, because I had lost my entire family, and my reason for staying where I was.  I had to make a lot of decisions about what to do with my life, and because I consider my current state of "freedom" to be a special gift from my cat, I feel a responsibility to her (and to all of them, but especially to her, because I believe she made a conscious decision) to enjoy the gift I've been given.  And when I don't, I feel like I'm letting her down.  Her death is a long story and still too painful to write about, but I imagine I'll do it one day.  I miss them all so much.

• mom said on Feb 10, 2007....

  I hate goodbyes, they are all difficult but one the hardest was when I was going through psychotherapy, I had a borderline personality disorder, somewhat like a split personality.  When I said goodbye to parts of me that was hard, very hard.

• random_moods86 said on Feb 10, 2007....

  sayin' goodbye is the one that hurt me the most

   

• sweetsoul said on Feb 10, 2007....

  Sending you a big hug Mimi...understanding...knowing my 'date' is coming soon.
   
  I can't say I enjoy farewells but I seem to have learned coping mechanisms for the farewells said between those still living. Much as I would have thought it would be my Mom's farewell that came to mind first...it wasn't...perhaps because I want a portion of that to stay lost.
   
  Who came to mind was a boyfriend of mine. We were good friends in university but that blossomed into something more when he went to law school on the east coast. I went to see him in January. He mentioned he was going to take his yacht and go treasure hunting. I got a bad feeling....wanted to ask him not to go. Didn't listen to my gut though, so remained quiet.
   
  He'd once written me a raunchy poem, passed it to me in class, inviting me out for dinner. Our first official date, now that I think about it. For Valentine's Day, I wrote him a poem. I never got a reply.
   
  I was driving in the car one weekend and the radio announced that he was lost at sea...his parents (who lived less than an hour from where I did) were going to the east coast to co-ordinate a resue.
   
  I thought I would die.
   
  I had never met his parents. Called 1/2 the names listed with his last name in the phone book before I found his parents. Got all the newspaper articles. They never did find him.
   
  So in my mind, the worst farewell is not getting the opportunity to have a farewell at all.

• here_in_my_head said on Feb 10, 2007....

  That hardest goodbye that I ever had to say was when I finally left my boyfriend of 8 years. Having fallen out of love with him long ago, we were both just existing within a tattered relationship based on mere comfort. We both did and said some terrible things, some of the things he did more heart wrenching than mine. It was me that had the courage to say goodbye and it wasn't easy. I think I had been trying to say so long for two years before we finally ended it. He didn't make it easy that's for sure, and he still haunts me most days of the week years after our breakup, but still, just because it was hard doesn't mean it was a wrong decision. Moving into a new relationship I can see how positively unfulfilling my previous one had been and I'm thankful to be freed from the constant negativity that manifested in me while with my ex.

• Zayda said on Feb 10, 2007....

  My most difficult goodbye and the one that still pricks at my heart the most was saying goodbye to David first time and then saying goodbye to him again the second time he asked me to marry him.  I blogged about it awhile back.

• CreativeWoman said on Feb 10, 2007....

  I have been avoiding commenting here, but here goes.
  
  The hardest goodbye for me was when my brother died.  He had been lingering in the hospital for 48 hours.  The last four or so I had to leave the room.  I had been there the whole time otherwise.  I was the one that made the decision he had to go to the hospital.  My mom didn't want to let go.  She thought she could let him stay home one more night.  It was obvious he was dying.
  
  Anyway...
  
  It was killing me.  I hadn't slept for probably 72 hours and in all honesty my father was pushing my buttons, so I went to a waiting room during the wee hours of the morning.  I tried to sleep, but I couldn't.  I talked with my brother's step-daughter, for lack of a better word.  (He and his long time girlfriend never married, but were a family.) She was hating God for what was happening and I knew my brother wouldn't have wanted that.  So, I tried to make a difference to her.
  
  I felt the doctor's hand on my shoulder early that morning.  He was just acknowledging my hurting soul.  I walked  down the hall to check on my brother before the doctor made it there.  The rest of my family was in the room.  I told him I loved him, he looked at me, and then died with my mom and sister each holding his hands.
  
  I sometimes wonder if he was just waiting for us all to be in the room with him before he went.  I have regret for not sucking it up and staying in the room.  Maybe he wouldn't have suffered those extra hours.  I was selfish.
  
  My niece's death was different because it was an accident, but I will always remember that hug and kiss she gave me the last time I saw her.
  
  CW
  

• LadyGamer said on Feb 10, 2007....

  My first love.

  I had miscarried a pregnancy we didn't even know about yet. He ended our relationship and asked me to leave.

   

  It took me years to recover from that goodbye.

• sweetsoul said on Feb 10, 2007....

  CW - don't blame yourself. While it's true that some people wait for loved ones to arrive...they can also wait for loved ones to leave. It's THEIR decision.
   
  I spent the last morning with my Mom while my Dad went home for a bit of a sleep. She'd been in the hospital for a few months and my Dad and I had kept her company every day...and I spent most nights there sleeping on the lounger because she was afraid she'd choke to death.
   
  Any ways, I spent that last morning with her. Physically all semblance of my beautiful Mom was gone, but I knew her soul, while still beautiful to me, was floundering. I held her hand tenderly...she liked to be touched. Gave her permission to leave us....to join her Mom and the party of all the relatives that were waiting for her.
   
  When my Dad arrived around noon, I left them alone. I needed a break. I went to the chapel in the hospital. I prayed to God to take her...she'd suffered enough. It was what she wanted. Please take her. Tears running down my cheeks. Just as I'd mouthed those words, I looked up to see a nurse. I was wanted in my Mom's room. I hurried back but knew there was no need to.  
   
  She'd waited for my Dad to arrive and for me to leave. She was dead.
   
  I later joked that I'd never had a prayer answered so quickly but I know that a large part of it was also Mom's will.
   
  The same thing happened with my maternal grandmother. She was in the hospital. Frankly we didn't know she was dying. A lot of her family was visiting that afternoon though. My Uncle (her son-in-law) was a farmer. He was in the field haying with some other guys and unlike him, said he was quitting early. His mother-in-law was in the hospital and he was going to drive into the city to see her. (They'd always gotten along well.)
   
  Sure enough, my grandmother waiting until my Uncle got to her room...commented to everyone that she was waiting for J to come...just knew he was coming (though he'd never mentioned it to her)...then she was dead within an hour.
   
  So I do believe people can wait for people to arrive and leave.

• gingersoul said on Feb 10, 2007....

  SS....i want believe this too: that our loved ones wait for us and only then they leave.

  For three times i have been waited at one bedside. For three times i received a frantic call from Italy telling to take the first plane and come back. 

  For three times i arrived just in time to hold a hand. For three times i watched them die.

  My father.

  My girlfriend and soul mate.

  My sister.

  My father died one hour after i arrived home and sat close to his bed. I was holding his hand. I saw his chest raising and stopping during his last breath. I haven't been able to say goodbye.  

  My girlfriend died after one day i arrived and after she called me at bedside because she needed to telle me something. I never been able to know it. I ahve never been able to say goodbye.

  My sister died 30 minutes after i arrived at her bedside. I was holding her hand, my mom was holding her hand too. I saw her fighting for thatlast breath, An then freeze in that horrible expression. I have not been able to tell her goodbye.

  I want to believe they were waiting for me. Everybody todl me so. They told me that they were waiting for me: the beloved daughter, the closest friend, the sister.

  My other two most painful goodbyes have been farewells from love: from a partner of 5 years first and from my husband. This last one made me cry all the tears a woman can cry.

  The worst farewell is the one that doesn't give you closure.....

   

• waterstar said on Feb 10, 2007....

  the farewell that burns the worst is the one i fear the most

• sweetsoul said on Feb 10, 2007....

  GS - Your experience proves my point. I don't think it's a coincidence. All sorts of people have experienced it. Someone waiting until the wedding, birth, or Christmas occurred.
   
  Interesting how life can bring us so much sorrow and yet we can find a way to be thankful for having the people in our life, keep them close to our heart and in our memories, and yet still find a way to see the beauty in life.
   
   

• Jenna said on Feb 10, 2007....

  Ginger....this post....so moving....

  Good byes are so sad....so difficult....

  the goodbyes shared here  are so touching.  I know you have had your share of goodbyes...too many for such a young soul.... 

  I guess to add to the list.... I would have to say my dad....

  For a moment...when I think of him...I think of the many evenings when he came home from work....he always walked into the kitchen...every night...a ritual..I  would run into his arms  and hug him...I remember the scent so well...a mix of aftershave and sweat... so comforting... so ....can't think of the word... I just know I felt so safe in those arms.....

  When he died at home...I remember kissing his forehead....and telling him...I loved him so much. 

  That good bye...farewell....was the saddest... the good bye I will always remember... the good bye that will forever  linger in my heart...

  That good bye scared me...made me grow up...that good bye changed my entire life.

  I hate good byes....but I know they are a part of life....sometimes life is just so hard.....but we continue on....

  Love to you dear one....

  Jenna

   

• anonymous said on Feb 11, 2007....

  I t appears from the comments posted that the most difficult farewells center around the loss of family members.  I'm either shallow or a hopeless romantic, but the most difficult farewell for me was the loss of my first true love.  I met a wonderful girl in college decades ago and fell deeply in love.  I was certain our relationship (which continued for over four years) would lead to marriage.  Unfortunately, I never quite fit in with her social circle (she came from a rather socially prominent family) and I could feel her interest starting to cool.  I didn't want to lose her so I proposed.  Almost as soon as the words left my lips, I realized from her expression that she wasn't going to accept; this was confirmed the following day when she broke off all further contact.

  I must have cried a million tears over her and had the most difficult time moving on.  Eventually, I met and married another wonderful woman and was able to bury this first women's memory deep in my subconscious.  I always wondered what happened to her though, and recently while researching a local company, I discovered she was on the Board of Directors.  I then "googled" her and found she has become very wealthy and prominent, but she never married.

  I wish now that I had never "re-discovered" her because I've had to deal again with many of those feelings I thought were long since buried.   It's like going through the same painful farewell "twice;" and worse  it's not fair to my present wife. 

  Signed

  Dealing with a ghost

    

• silverwhisper said on Feb 11, 2007....

  i've had trouble saying goodbye. i'm a sentimental sort that way, but i've never yet had to say the big goodbye to someone who is leaving this world. i hope i am fortunate enough for that to be true for some time.
  
  the hardest goodbye for me to say was saying goodbye to college life.
  
  ed

• mousenphonic said on Feb 11, 2007....

  Maybe I'm cold hearted or maybe I've just not been in a real emotional goodbye situation yet.  I usualy just turn my back and walk away, while my heart and mind is mixed up with sadness, anger and hatred.  My hardest goodbye, only hit  me about a year after, and that was ending my school career, facing the challenges of adulthood and missing all my friends who went to university, leaving me behind.

• Supermom said on Feb 13, 2007....

  My Saddest Ferewell was the one I never got to say or hear. My Great-gramma Ruby died when I was 13, about 2 weeks after I was raped, and I never got to say goodbye. Our whole family went to the Cabin for her 89th birthday and My mom, my sister and I got left behind because we didn't have a car (Eventhough we could have rode with someone) they had a big party and said goodbye to gramma, I waitressed at her funeral. I wasn't allowed to cry, or say anything, I just served people their coffee.

• 22DecemberFallen said on Feb 18, 2007....

  I've said goodbye to both parents, my dad at 18 and my mom at 21, landmark years eh :-) and a mother in law who I thought of as a mother. But the hardest one for me was last year. I've spoke about this before on other blogs so I dont mind if this is not read. I just feel I want to comment.
  
  My friend was born on the same day as me, we lived in the same street. We met up through mutual friends when we were 14. Over the years we became close, we had our scrapes and we had our traumas. Eventually we became more serious with the girlfriends we were seeing at the time and both got married, moved away from the place we were born. One day I met my friend again, he had bought a house not far from me so we met a few times, talked of the past, our hopes our dreams, we had different lives now, different objectives. We drifted again.
  
  Early last year I met a mutual friend who told me about the Cancer.
  I went to see my friend. The Cancer was in his brain, both lungs, spine and blood. It was 100% terminal. We spoke and I laughed at his conversation, I sat in awe at his courage, inside I wept and screamed and defiled any God that I knew.
  We made a pact that day. I told him I would be there untill the end or untill he no longer felt I should see him. We knew time was short and the pain he was in made the days long as sleep was sometimes just a Morphine induced trance. He told me that when he felt that his time to leave was upon us and his faculties were begining to fail, he would stop my visits, I told him I respected that. He said he enjoyed our time but I had to accept it was coming to a close. He had pride beyond comparison.
  
  I drove to his house one weekend and his mother answered the door.
  She told me he was in bed and did'nt really want to see anyone. She said he had told her I would understand.
  I did.
  I climbed in the car and started the engine.
  I looked at the bedroom window where he lay, I wept, I ached.
  I drove away.
  
  Two weeks later we stood at his funeral. That was my hardest goodbye.
  

• niceuncle said on Feb 24, 2007....

  GOODBYE: There are many words which when spoken cause a tear in the eye, but the saddest word of them all is that simple word goodbye.

• talkingtomyself said on Apr 20, 2007....

  There's many farewells but the most recent one wasn't. What I mean is I worked for one company for nearly 40 years. When I left, because they collect money for a gift and card for whoever leaves I was expecting at least a card. I can do without the gift. But a damn card saying 'goodbye idiot" would've been nice. Still hurts months later. After all i did to bring them business their lack of a goodbye shows me I meant nothing to them(management). As if I was invisible. besides I'm a guy and this would've been a good excuse to hug a few girls I've always wanted to hug saying goodbye. God knows I've needed a hug for the longest time. Not even that did I get. Not even that. Oh well. Probably always will hurt that nobody at my work cared enough to say goodbye. That's the farewell I never got and wish I did so to answer your question that's the farewell that wasn't that hurts or burns the most.

• gingersoul said on Apr 20, 2007....

  Talking........isnt funny...this is one of the rarest blog i didnt comment back my readers.....its a sad, sad blog for me..

  I said it..i hate goodbyes...and i hate the situations in which goodbyes dont give you a closure.

  This is what you were claiming for you...a closure....you claimed to be recognized, appreciated, made special, valued..and they took your moment away from you..

  I am sorry...i understand how much it might still burn.....

  But dont mind their behavior....you know you worked good and this is what matters.....companies are cold hearted...

  But you can have your moment back......it depends by how long you left... you can always come back there one day just to say hi and bring them something....a pen, some cookies...go there and finally hug those girls... you will be noticed and then remembered for your class and kindness....

  I wish you solace and to put all of this behind...-)  

• talkingtomyself said on Apr 20, 2007....

  Redhead, just like you my parents moved lots. My dad was in construction and didn't have to move when there was work close to home. A different school every year(across Canada only--now I'm in Ontario)and about 10 or 15 cities(maybe 20)--I lost track--makes it hard how to learn how to say goodbye let lone make friends. Impossible to teach? No argument there. We all hate goodbyes I think. No easy way to say goodbye is right.
   
  As for your grandfather my sincerest heartfelt condolences. my sympathies. My mother died of cancer over 10 years ago and I was selfish enough(at the time didn't think I was selfish) to not want to be in the hospital room when she died. Didn't think I could handle it. Now I wish I was there.
  I'd like to continue but honestly the more I talk about her the tears start(after all these years) so I better stop now.
   
  But just wanted to say I know what you're going through as I've been there. Don't ever regret anything in life. No need to make yourself sick over it. Though I understand the "what ifs". Been there. Done that.
   
  Instead of having regrets and wishing you did things differently just remember the good times you had with your grandfather. The happy moments. I know it's not easy but it helped me a lot at the time my mother died otherwise I would've gone crazy. Literally.
  I'm far from religious but my thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time.

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