By Joshua M. Boraz
THIS IS A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO!!!!!! THIS IS IN NO WAY HOW IT ACTUALLY IS!!!!! COMPLETELY 100% GRADE A HYPOTHETICAL!!!! DO NOT DRINK AND READ THIS ARTICLE AT THE SAME TIME!!!!
THIS IS FICTION
But indulge me for a moment...
Imagine Hypothetical Scientist Victor (last name: Conte) in the NFL drug testing program takes a banned substance from Michael Vick's water bottle or Onterrio Smith's wizzenator, or Shawn Merriman's needle or whatever, the drug is a kind of LSD (designed to make someone feel very happy and very impressed with someone they don't know). This drug is designed to make the user feel like whom ever they are staring at is a brilliant mind. Someone who is going to revolutionize the world. Everything looks better.
Now Imagine Hypothetical Offensive Coordinator Norv (last name Turner, but again this is hypothetical). Norv talks to his buddy Victor and gets some of "substance x" and pays Victor some money which will go to paying off people associated with some slugger for the San Francisco Giants, I don't know his name. Now Hypothetical Norv invites Hypothetical Dallas Cowboys Owner Jerry (last name Jones) out for dinner. Jerry has a history with Norv so he says, "Sure, what the hell? I mean I'm not going to hire Norv as a Head Coach because he's busted like my face in the hall of fame at every stop. And I laughed when my friend hypothetical Al (last name Davis, owner of the hypothetical Raiders) and my friend hypothetical Dan (last name Snyder, hypothetical owner of the Washington Redskins) hired him, and I'm not going to be swooned"
But Hypothetical Norv has a plan, he orders a bottle of wine from hypothetical waiter giving him a 20 dollar tip to pour "substance x" into Hypothetical Owner Jerry's wine glass over dinner. Suddenly Jerry remenbers how great an offensive coordinator Norv was for his team, he remembers the loyalty and the feeling that winning brought him so long ago and how Norv was a part of that (if only briefly when Ernie Zampese wasn't the offensive coordinator). Jerry thinks that there might be a chance to revive that feeling now in the present. Suddenly, he offers the Dallas Head Coaching Job to Hypothetical Norv.
It is at this point in the story, where Norv leaps from the table and makes a phone call to his current hypothetical owner Denise (last name DeBartolo-York, owner of the San Francisco 49ers). They've been having a hot steamy naked love affair where she has been sipping "substance x" in huge doses to keep her infatuated with Norv. Denise is notorious for not spending money on anything. Legend has it that once Tiny Tim came up to her window on Christmas Day and asked for her to spare some change and she said no. Rumor has it that she will not spend money on any free agent. But Norv tells her that it's over and that he's going to Jerry who has just come out of the closet and expressed his love for Norv by offering him the Dallas Cowboys job.
Denise realizes that the only way to keep her love Norv around is by offering him a major contract extention so as not to go back to her fierce rival Jerry.
THE END
Today, I read a story on ESPN.com about how Denise DeBartolo York (the real owner of the San Francisco 49ers) offered her offensive coordinator Norv Turner a very lucrative conract extention to keep him away from the Dallas Cowboys.
As a writer, I'm not privvy to hypothetical "substance x". Therefore, I am not quite sure why Dallas would want him as a head coach or why Denise would break her longstanding policy of pinching every penny or nickel to sign a offensive coordinator to a big time contract.
But I can imagine...
By Joshua M. Boraz
THIS IS A COMPLETELY HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO!!!!!! THIS IS IN NO WAY HOW IT ACTUALLY IS!!!!! COMPLETELY 100% GRADE A HYPOTHETICAL!!!! DO NOT DRINK AND READ THIS ARTICLE AT THE SAME TIME!!!!
THIS IS FICTION
But indulge me for a moment...
Imagine Hypothetical Scientist Victor (last name: Conte) in the NFL drug testing program takes a banned substance from Michael Vick's water bottle or Onterrio Smith's wizzenator, or Shawn Merriman's needle or whatever, the drug is a kind of LSD (designed to make someone feel very happy and very impressed with someone they don't know). This drug is designed to make the user feel like whom ever they are staring at is a brilliant mind. Someone who is going to revolutionize the world. Everything looks better.
Now Imagine Hypothetical Offensive Coordinator Norv (last name Turner, but again this is hypothetical). Norv talks to his buddy Victor and gets some of "substance x" and pays Victor some money which will go to paying off people associated with some slugger for the San Francisco Giants, I don't know his name. Now Hypothetical Norv invites Hypothetical Dallas Cowboys Owner Jerry (last name Jones) out for dinner. Jerry has a history with Norv so he says, "Sure, what the hell? I mean I'm not going to hire Norv as a Head Coach because he's busted like my face in the hall of fame at every stop. And I laughed when my friend hypothetical Al (last name Davis, owner of the hypothetical Raiders) and my friend hypothetical Dan (last name Snyder, hypothetical owner of the Washington Redskins) hired him, and I'm not going to be swooned"
But Hypothetical Norv has a plan, he orders a bottle of wine from hypothetical waiter giving him a 20 dollar tip to pour "substance x" into Hypothetical Owner Jerry's wine glass over dinner. Suddenly Jerry remenbers how great an offensive coordinator Norv was for his team, he remembers the loyalty and the feeling that winning brought him so long ago and how Norv was a part of that (if only briefly when Ernie Zampese wasn't the offensive coordinator). Jerry thinks that there might be a chance to revive that feeling now in the present. Suddenly, he offers the Dallas Head Coaching Job to Hypothetical Norv.
It is at this point in the story, where Norv leaps from the table and makes a phone call to his current hypothetical owner Denise (last name DeBartolo-York, owner of the San Francisco 49ers). They've been having a hot steamy naked love affair where she has been sipping "substance x" in huge doses to keep her infatuated with Norv. Denise is notorious for not spending money on anything. Legend has it that once Tiny Tim came up to her window on Christmas Day and asked for her to spare some change and she said no. Rumor has it that she will not spend money on any free agent. But Norv tells her that it's over and that he's going to Jerry who has just come out of the closet and expressed his love for Norv by offering him the Dallas Cowboys job.
Denise realizes that the only way to keep her love Norv around is by offering him a major contract extention so as not to go back to her fierce rival Jerry.
THE END
Today, I read a story on ESPN.com about how Denise DeBartolo York (the real owner of the San Francisco 49ers) offered her offensive coordinator Norv Turner a very lucrative conract extention to keep him away from the Dallas Cowboys.
As a writer, I'm not privvy to hypothetical "substance x". Therefore, I am not quite sure why Dallas would want him as a head coach or why Denise would break her longstanding policy of pinching every penny or nickel to sign a offensive coordinator to a big time contract.
But I can imagine...
JMBoraz posted on Jan 28, 2007
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