Yesterday at my individual counselling I
was challenged to define the differences between the ‘me’ I feel I used to be
and the ‘not me’ that I feel I have become. Not only that but I was asked to
list the specific qualities that I felt applied to each persona.
It was ridiculously easy to list the ‘not me’ but to actually name the qualities that make up me was very difficult however this is what I came up with and should you be wondering, I did each list separately with no reference to the other.
Me; honest, a person of integrity, open,
social, direct, confident, outgoing, happy, independent, brave, calm and
patient.
Not me; dishonest (about my feelings), closed,
anti-social, vague, diffident, miserable, unhappy, depressed, dependent,
fearful, agitated, impatient.
There are more to the second list (it’s always
easier to list faults haven’t you noticed?) but I expect you get the idea and
notice what I eventually noticed when I was shown the two separate lists. That
they are almost exact opposites. When they are listed like that I can see the
differences and the me I’ve allowed myself to become isn’t the me I want to be
so is it any surprise that I have been unhappy?
Then we started to delve into how this came
about and the reasons why I have suppressed who I am.
When did the change begin? Which of the
dreadful precursors was the one that started me on the road to being so split?
Will I ever be able to find ‘me’ again? How the hell will I know when it has
happened and how can I ensure that the split doesn’t happen again?
We didn’t finish that conversation but it certainly left me with plenty to think about… What do you guys and gals think?
