Disclaimer: I'm being emotional here. If you're here to pass judgment
then I would rather you press the back button now. You'd save me a lot
of time and energy by doing so.
4th grade:
I was at a swimming competition and I had no idea for the time slot
of my event. I went with my father because my mom was busy with work.
I had arrived late and I didn't get some sort of paper thingy that I
think was supposed to be given to the officials. I asked my father for
help and he did absolutely NOTHING. So I went to my coach, who was
"busy" sitting down at the officials' table. Again, NOTHING. Horribly
discouraged, I went to my father, who then said that we should go home.
I never went to swimming practice again.
2nd year high:
I've been playing the guitar for 2 years, and I was getting really
good at it. There was a little choir contest and the so called
"leader" wanted guitar accompaniment. There were two guitarists in
class and I wanted to volunteer. The "leader" then began to repeatedly
ask the same question over and over again: "are you sure you can do
this?" and I thought she was insinuating that I'm not good enough at
what I do, and that she wants the other guy, the more popular guy. I
backed down, and my confidence has been hurt since.
2nd year high school - 4th year:
I was a dancer, not just any dancer, I was in the go-to group of
dancers in the dance troupe, and the dance troupe in my school was at
the top of the popularity pyramid. I always thought that I fell second
to this other guy who, by the way is a little dumb; but that is besides
the point. He was always the one thought to be the best, the go-to guy
in the go-to group. I was sickly and could not always dance whenever I
wanted to. I always thought I was second best.
I was also an active member in the Christian community within the
school. In fact I was the very first one who joined the community in
my year level. Despite working really hard, I never made it to the
panel of officers. I was under appreciated, at least I thought I was.
4th year high:
I ran for vice president for our student body. At the final day of
campaigning, all candidates were to meet and share their message to the
student body. A question was directed towards all the candidates for
vice presidency, and when it was my turn to speak, I blanked out.
Despite being one of the best orators in the school, it was a moment
of utter suckage.
Now:
So I talked with my rather olden classmate in CS class and he
apparently is a close friend of my aunt's. He had, in turn experience
with teenagers because he once worked as a counselor of sorts with my
aunt who was a principal in a high school. He apparently knew about me
through my aunt. He knew about my being the "wonder kid" of the clan
and we ended up talking about the fact that I'm underachieving. He
made me aware of my subconscious insecurities, and I ended up writing
this note on a page from my classmate's notebook trying to find the
what, who and why of my insecurities:
"I have been feeling insecure and have been taking second thoughts
of my abilities. I have been settling for bogey when I could have
easily gone for birdie, maybe even a hole in one, and it has seeped
through the different aspects of my life as a habit and I in turn, have
been holding on to false humility. I need to find out those
experiences, hopefully the root, as to why I have been carrying this
insecurity, my inferiority complex.
I have been telling people that I'm not who they think I am when
they affirm that I do have talent and by doing so I told myself just
that. That in itself has been unhealthy, and over the years it has
made me pass on opportunities.
I've been a child prodigy, yet my actions speak of quite the
opposite. All this habit of passing on opportunities has made me into
a slob. I made myself into a slob.
I need to resolve these issues within if I am to accomplish anything.
I need to stop settling for normal."
Can anyone please tell me what I should do now?
paidinblood posted on Jan 19, 2007
| views: 661
Comments
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secretlife said on Jan 19, 2007....
what is it specfically in your life that you don't like?
if you can identify where you want to be, and what you want to change specifically, then you have taken the first step already.
the next one is to map out a plan to change....
sometimes when we try to change ourselves, the best approach is to take small steps. for example, if you are unhappy with your job, the first step might be to figure out the job you would like....make a resume, or have one made up that might fit the job you want to get. the next step might be to look at ads, and begin to send out your resume....maybe you say that you will send it out to 10 places a week...or 5 or whatever seems 'do-able'...
if you know what you want to change, and can come up with a plan with small achieveable steps, i think each part of the way, you get to feel 'good'...and that will boost your self esteem....
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purrrkitten said on Jan 19, 2007....
Maybe you could read up on learning to love yourself some? I know how hard it is to "go for it" when you're afraid of rejection at the end of it all. You know you have the talent and intelligence for whatever it is you desire to do but... all the "what if's" start creeping in and suddenly, you're too afraid to really try.
Wow, do I ever relate!! The only way I've been able to get this far is to recognize (which I think you have here) that you have a fear/problem and that by doing so, you can make a concious (very scary and very difficult) effort to step past it. To force yourself to do it. The first step is always the scariest. But each progressing one afterwards gets easier and easier...
Works that way for false guilt too... :-)
You can do this, PIB! I know you can!! Take the belief in you that others have and use it to shore up your belief in you too, k?
(((((((((((((((paid))))))))))))))) ~^^
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silverwhisper said on Jan 19, 2007....
pib: that sounds like something i could have once written myself.
i want to share a simple truth: your reality is defined primarily by you and your perceptions. to some extent, behaving as though you're confident can have a good carry-over effect. now notice that i said "confident", not arrogant. there's a difference.
if you're like most who battle low self-esteem, you hold yourself to a higher standard than you hold others. this can take different forms, such as believing you're less worthy than others, or denigrating your own good qualities even though you see those same qualities w/ crystal clear sharpness in others.
pib, you have an earnest heart, and earnestness is a quality i admire.
ed -
dailyachesandpains said on Jan 19, 2007....
PIB, SL said it right on the money!
{{{hugs}}}
Daily
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queenparanoia said on Jan 19, 2007....
wow pib i never thought that we have the same situation. i always thought you are smart and witty with all of your post but never insecure.when i was in high school our school valedictorian told me that i could beat her if only i study!!! she said i was smart only lazy.i dont know about being smart but i agree i'm definitely lazy!!! but i why am i lazy?am i scared? yes. i'm scared.rejection. not being good enough.and then last month i saw the movie coach carter and it all makes sense to me with this line.fyi. this line is also found in my post.this poem was recited on that movie. it is by marriane williamson. it explains why we all fear to achieve greater things.Our Deepest Fear“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”i hope this poem can help you in what youre looking for pib. because i know it change my life. i hope it could change yours.face that fear!!! -
purrrkitten said on Jan 19, 2007....
That is a great quote, queen!! I've copied it to word and (when I get some more ink!) I'm going to print it out to put with all my other inspiring quotes. Thanks!!!
purrrr ~^^
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pickersplock said on Jan 19, 2007....
At the end of the day, what really counts more than anything else, is the way we've treated others. Not how much money we've made or what our job is.
We must find dharma.
That's the word for doing what you were meant to do.
I used to worry about my own life. I'm trained in dance but do not have the ambition
to be in a dance company. I probably could have if I'd worked harder and made the right sacrifices, but I was content to do it as a hobby, teaching classes here and there and working another job as well. One day one of the students in my Modern class came up and asked me if I'd be willing to teach a class for the disabled. From there my life changed for the better. I don't make a ton of money and I don't dance on Broadway, but I consider myself very successful because I enjoy what I'm doing
and oddly enough, that every job or class I've ever taken has prepared me for this
career. Sometimes I actually feel guilty about getting paid because it doesn't seem
like I'm working at all.
Don't worry about achieving this or that, work with what you have.
Don't think you're lazy because you haven't done x,y, or z.
You'll find your own way in your own time.
Good luck! P.P. -
mom said on Jan 19, 2007....
I am a firm believer in self talk. Feed yourself positive things, trade the negative with the positive. As a man thinketh so is he. If you feel and believe that you are inadequate you will be. If you believe you have worth, then that too will show. Do not short change yourself. Love yourself and do what you need to do. -
polarheart said on Jan 19, 2007....
Pib, all the above people have spoken the truth and all of the advise starts with the First Step.Nobody can that that First Step for you - only you can. It is that one step that is scariest, but it is so rewarding and the first step in walking away from the "old" you.I agree with mom about giving yourself self-talks. When you feel those old thought patterns starting to form in your mind it is right then that you need to CHOOSE to replace it with a positive and correct thought. -
queenparanoia said on Jan 19, 2007....
your welcome purrkitten!!! -
peedee said on Jan 19, 2007....
Hi !pib, from what you have said and the experiences of my own life it is the treatment by the fellowbeings that instils a sence of insecurity in you . I never felt insecure but the actions of my dear and near ones made me very scary. I was teaching my grand son, a first grader, a story of THE LITTLE RED HEN, who would serve the cat , the mouse and the dog but none came to help the little red hen but when the time came to eat the cake everyone was ready. She said "Nothing doing, I have worked hard and nobody helped me so I will eat the cake alone" I decided to act and my isecurity vanished there and then. It is the others now insecure. So that is that------pd -
doyoulikeme said on Jan 19, 2007....
Being an artist and musician being insecure has always been a mountain I conquer over and over again. I have self doubts about my skill, am I any good, the comments I get from others both positive and negative and the top one-Am I good enough. Sometimes childhood experiences are the worse because they steal our self esteem, and replace it with doubt. Doubt is evil. It robbed me for years then I just said, "You know, I don't care any more." Its comes up now and then but I use my mind power to overcome it. -
bigvoodoojack said on Jan 19, 2007....
now i am not sure if you are a guy or gal but i do feel your pain. My response is a little sex, drugs, and rock and roll and you should be fine. You just need to find something to help you step out of the shell you have created for yourself. Once you do that alll that is troubling will be gone.
Try baking, listen to music you normally wouldn't listen to, the shooting range, driving range, or tons of video games. Basically do something you wouldn't normally do. Once you feel that rush your insecurity will be a thing of a past.
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Zeal_for_life said on Jan 20, 2007....
You can do anything, follow your heart and it will take you in the right direction in life.Who cares what others think of you, fear is horible yes (it is why there is so much horible problems in this world, but it can be over come, but you have to be the one to face it.Everyone has made some great coments here, what you do with it is your choice, you can get through this.Maybe this web will help show you how.Z
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