Two more days and I'm gone. 48 more hours and I'll be in another country. One with sun, and sea, and vegetation in mid-January. I'm taking my pale, Canadian ass to the beaches in Mexico. The Mayan Riviera to be exact. Having booked this vacation back in November, its presence in my awareness has been both dreamy and far away. But suddenly, with the hustle and bustle of Christmas time through, my get away has snuck up on me shocking both my mind and its mentality.
While I'm certainly looking foward to some time away with my boyfriend and the escape from the every day grind of working in a factory, another version of this paradise has been playing out inside my head. One both of uncertainty and fear, one fuelled fully by my anxiety.
I've vacation once before, in the same parts believe it or not, and I had a great time, well.. with the exception of an allergic reaction to a bee sting. But I haven't been away since my anxiety has become a noticeable issue in my life. Suddenly unrest and discomfort has flooded my senses instead of day dreams of tequila sunrises and lazy sun bathing in beach loungers.
I'm not a nervous flyer, but what if I loose it on the plane? What if I get sick while I'm away? What if I'm a mess on the entire trip? What will my boyfriend think? Can't this girl have any fun?
Anxiety is viscious, it feeds and grows off any insecurity. Clearly I'm being bumped out of my comfort zone which is what sparked this whole back and forth, spinning circles, my mind shrouded in doubt. Which led me back to my therapist. Which led me back on my anxiety pills. Which led me back to taking control, doing the exercises, meditation, deep breathing, journaling that helped me drop kick this problem the first time around. And maybe I should never have stopped doing those things in the first place, the things that prove beneficial no matter how weak or strong my mind.
So I've been living in the discomfort of my own nervous system for nearly a month now. Thinking and planning, plotting and structuring, over thinking, over planning, the cycle repeats. But I've come up with some pretty good action plans, the whole 'here is what I'm going to do in Mexico when I feel anxious' and I feel okay about that. I'm going to control only what I can control. I'm going to busy myself with the free activities offered at the resort, I'm going to go for long walks on the beach, see the ruins, dance at the disco, reclaim my love for swimming, eat ethnic foods. And hey, if I'm going to be anxious, hell, at least I'll be jittering away on the beach and not fighting the same battle at home in the dull greyness that is a Canadian winter.
With this probably being my last posting before I go on holidays, and only my second on this site ever, I'd like to say goodbye to whoever is reading this, I wish you a healthy and happy week.
