First: This journal is for one purpose and one purpose only. Me. Here is where I will pour out all of the things that are going through my head every day. Here is where I will overflow all my anxieties and worries, happy times and sad moments, my fears and frustrations (of which there are many) and whatever else I feel like, without restraint. This journal is not for you, the reader. This journal is for me, the writer. I feel no responsibility towards censoring myself for anyone elses acceptance here. I also reserve the right to bitch and moan as much as I please, because you as the reader have the choice of reading my journal, and I as the writer have the freedom to express what I TRULY feel. God bless anonymous blogging. You choose to read this at your own risk, and comments that are intended to be the opposite of cruel, mean and completely unproductive are welcome. Otherwise, dont bother.
That being said...
Its late, I should be in bed right now because I have to get up tomorrow to work another full shift. I have worked this whole past month away, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't bitter about it. Being able to rest is always nice, but in my life, and the point that it is at now, that's simply not possible. Money is too important, which I find pretty annoying. So I work 8 or 9 hours a day and then come home. However, even coming home and being able to relax is a blessing, but once next semester starts, that will be the opposite of what is happening. Shit happens, oh well.
I intended to spend the evening relaxing and simply enjoying the quiet of my house. I wanted to let my mind go, I wanted to drown myself in books and tv and stupid computer games and whatever else I found amusing or entertaining this evening. Then I started researching my current health problem (of which I have many for someone my age...22). Currently, my problem is an anal fissure. Yes, laugh, such a taboo subject, but you wouldn't be laughing if you felt like you were shitting razor blades every time you had to go to the bathroom. I've been having this problem... it seems like...forever. It seems no matter what I do, I can't get rid of it. It won't heal. I am calling my specialist again tomorrow. Originally it was misdiagnosed as a hemorrhoid by another doctor, but I went to a specialist and...well....basically I now know what to call this horrible pain I have to deal with every day, at least.
I have had to switch my diet around a lot, which is annoying when everyone around you wants to eat pizza and go out to the bar every night. It's annoying when you have to bring your own food to your boyfriends house because all he eats is junk (and he gets away with it!). Anyways, suffice it to say, I started doing research, and got really upset, because I have many options, but I fear that I will end up having surgery, which I wont have the insurance to cover by april.
So much weighs on my mind. Even when I'm not in school my mind is heavy. My body is a walking cluster fuck of medical problems. I hate it, I curse it very often. I pray to God every night to bless me and my family, friends and boyfriend with good health. Why does it seem like it is in vein? I know it could be worse, much worse, but such a thing is hard to realize when everyone around you seems to be happy and healthy. When all of societies norms and expectations equal to young people being happy and healthy, and in their prime...well...not so. I am not that lucky.
So I admit it, I started to cry. Things are just overwhelming. The problem is embarassing, and Im basically dealing with it all by myself, with the exception of my boyfriend and parents. If I could achieve one thing in life, it would be good health. If I could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be to have never stopped eating when I was in 8th grade because I was so depressed and lonely. I dont know why I did that and why I thought I would be able to get away with it. Here I am, years later, a shitty immune system and health problem after health problem. Ongoing doctors visits...things that I would rather end.
I dont even want to think about what school is going to bring next semester. I start my student teaching at the end of the month, and to be honest, I am petrified. The work load is going to be insane...I won't have a social life (not that its not that great to begin with, but all Im really concerned about is my boyfriend) and I just get the impression that I am going to be lucky to have time to fit in for meals.
I cant deal with my life half the time, and I feel really bad. I feel bad breaking down in front of anyone, but particularly my boyfriend, who is so happy and really hasn't dealt with half of the shit I have had to deal with up to this point in my life. His shoulders are lighter than mine it seems, and I dont want to add weight to his shoulders with my problems. I almost feel bad for having this blog. Its not that I wont discuss these things with him in some detail, but sometimes he just doesnt get it. Or he does, but...it doesnt make me feel any better.
I just need to be able to release the word vomit, and hope that it helps me deal with all the confusion and fear and sadness that I feel on a fairly regular basis.
I realize that there are great things in my life. After all, I am going to school to make a difference in the lives of kids, I have a great family, and a few good friends (although I wish I had more) and the most wonderful boyfriend I have ever had in my entire life. But, when your depressed, its hard to really take these things in your hands, breathe them in, enjoy their richness and use that as fuel for getting better. I just hold these things close to my heart, and hope that things will get better soon.
I keep trying, and I keep trying.
A small light still remains...and I hope that it never goes out.
Small_flower
