Why wait until the last minute to start worrying about something when you can get a head start and do it right? I hate to be rushed and do a half-assed job of it, so I'm already not looking forward to an event that won't even take place until next month.
My oldest niece is getting married next month. It will be the first time in several years that our whole family - parents, children and grandchildren - will be together in the same place at the same time. Everyone is looking forward to it, and it's fun to watch my sister's excitement at being the mother of the bride.
But there's a very big part of me that is already dreading it. I am not comfortable at large events like this. I've always felt like I don't really fit in, and I start getting very self-conscious. It's not that I don't feel loved by them. I know they accept me and love me.
At weddings there are always cameras and photographers hanging around. I hate getting my picture taken. I hate it. I know there will be family pictures taken, all of us together, smiling brightly. My sisters and brothers clean up pretty good. They're a nice-looking bunch.
And then you have me. I am very self-conscious about the way I look. I look old and fat, and I have Oswald (the oxygen tank) hanging off the back of the wheelchair and a plastic tube across my face.
When I look at a family picture, I cringe when I look at myself. If I could duck out of being in front of the camera, I would.
I'm so tempted to come up with a reason why I won't be able to be there. I guess that's not a good idea, huh?
