If you managed to read some of my blogs, you could say that I am one of the lucky people that can have every guy that she wants,I’m the type of girl that guys want to introduce as their girlfriend, and often been branded as the trophy girlfriend. Hm,... its probably true, but I have had my “fair“ share of unfortunate experiences when it comes to the opposite sex.
1. My Dad – well I haven’t had the prettiest childhood. As a child I’ve been physically abused until the age of 12 and emotionally abused until the age of 15, and was living in my dad’s shadow. You could read the details of that in my other post, My Dad and I.
2. Ching – he was my first boyfriend and he treated me like crap and like a doormat, that’s what triggered me to cheat on him. He used to not call, text, email for days and then just show up like nothing happened. Also cheated on me. I was 15.
3. Polo – was my second boyfriend (the one I used to get back at Ching) and forced me to have sex with him, not once but on several occassions. I was 17 at that time. He actually used the line “If you love me then prove it“. Not the best experience in the world.
4. Ron – was a family friend and emotionally blackmailed me to go out with him. What do I mean? I trusted him, treated him as a real friend, shared my secrets, and unfortunately as time passed by threatened to tell my mom about everything if I will not date him. I was 18.
5. Jay Ar – he was a guy whom I met online. He seemed nice enough. We exchanged phone numbers, texted for a while. So we finally met up. Okay that was stupid, but I was pretty messed up at that time, my dad just passed away during that time. We were on a date, he was nice at first. However, he forced himself on me and tried to kiss me. I was a bit bruised because I tried fighting him off but he twisted my arms pretty bad. I went home on the verge of tears but only cried when everybody else was asleep. I had too much pride, and I did not want to be pitied upon nor scolded because of my stupidity. I only told one person, one of my older roommates, 2 days after the incident while we were drinking. I never answered his calls nor his messages again.I was 18.
6. Eli – dated this guy just recently. See my previous post, Rant: I Don’t Want to be the Other Woman and Apology: Better Shove it up it your a**. He cheated on his wife by dating me. What a jerk really, and the wife even texted me. Dear lord!
But the people above wasn’t half as bad as the people that I will describe below.
When I was 15 and on my way home, a man approached me. It was raining. He asked if he could have some shelter on my umbrella. I was a good samaritan, and he seemed harmless so I let him. However, he kept staring at me and telling me that I was pretty. He even told me that I was the kind of girl that you could bring home to mom. And he kept staring. I was nervous. So he asked me where I was going. I just told him, I am just going there, and I kept pointing at some imaginary place hoping that he would leave me alone. He said that was on his way and we should go together. I was alarmed, and I thought I was safe, it was noon for God’s sake. So when I rode the public utilility jeepney (only in the Philippines), he followed, and people were just ignoring us because they thought we were a couple. I was getting anxious at that time. Then I felt his hand at my back stroking me,then grabbed my other arm and that some sharp object was pointed at my back. Then I felt his tongue on the back of my neck. Knife or no knife, I am getting out of there. I pushed him in the jeep and screamed. I got out of the jeep and never looked back. I never told my parents what happened for they will just blame me. It happens all the time. Believe me, the blame always comes back to me.
Several months after that incident, while I was on my way to school, and on the jeepney, I heard this loud laughter from a group of men in the same jeep. So when I asked them to pass my fare, since they were nearer the driver, one of them sat very close beside me., and another one sat in front of me, and the two other guys were cheering them on. One of them cornered me and tried to kiss me and was laughing hysterically. I was on the verge of tears. Then the driver stopped the jeepney in front of a police checkpoint and yelled at them. They got off the jeep and I got to school unharmed but totally scared and freaked out. However, I just pretended that nothing happened when I arrived in school. You see I’m pretty good in masking my true feelings, though inside I’m falling apart. Again I did not tell a soul even my parents.
Why not tell my parents. Ahem. Okay every time I got into a bad incident, the blame will almost always come back to me though its not entirely my fault. When a dog had bitten my butt, see my previous post, my dad got angry not only at my sister but also at me. He told us that the dog bit me because we were stupid enough not to ride the tricycle. He spent almost thirty minutes lecturing first instead of accompanying me straight to the clinic. There was also an incident where I tipped over a bottle of ink at our linoleum. Okay, its just a bottle of ink right? Okay tell it to my dad. He beat the crap out of me with a belt buckle for that incident and as if it wasn’t enough had to listen to a sermon er lecture and kept repeating that I was stupid and wasn’t thinking. I was six years old. So much for being a kid. Oh yeah, I accidentally tipped the bottle of ink while I was looking for my dad’s watercolor that I am supposed to use in drawing a Valentine’s card that I am going to give to my parents. How ironic huh! That is probably why I am so secretive when it comes to my parents and try not to say I love you too much.
You see, I wish all those things didn’t happen to me but it did. And I got to live with it for the rest of my life, life sucks, but hey, I just need to learn how to deal right. Blogging helps, though I never really told anyone in real life these events. Thank goodness for anonimity. The thing is, during those incidents, I was always dressed prim and proper and very decent in fact. I think its because I looked so innocent that these men tried to take advantage of me. And they did. I guess that is why at times, I am paranoid when a stranger looks at me in the eye and then stares at me, not glance, but stare. I guess I never actually got over those experiences but I am living with it, coping, and trying to live a normal life. Don’t worry though, I turned to be alright now, or am I just in denial, either way, life goes on and am just happy that I am alive. Well it did take a long time before I manage to share these experiences, and this is one of the few times that I talked about it.
Looking back, I wasn’t the best person 3 years ago. I was pretty messed up and was probablu a bit stupid. But hey its another year, and this coming year, I would try to make myself better, be happier, and try to live with little fear in my heart.
Lessons learned: better save up for a car heheh, and be careful of blind dates.Oh yeah, even if your looking all decent, some will still try to take advantage, what the world coming to? hehehe :>
Cheers.
dazed_and_confused posted on Jan 02, 2007
| views: 781
Comments
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Lioness said on Jan 03, 2007....
I was reading your post earlier, had to resume working, come back, and now I paused to give a comment. =)
I was astonished. And you're pretty tough. Imagine hiding these all to yourself!! But I am glad you came out unscathed from your experiences... Like I said, take extra care. There may be nice and good guys, but there are also mean, sex-starved men who take advantage of girls, decent or indecent looking.
I think it might help that you learn some self-defense techniques to ensure safety.
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dazed_and_confused said on Jan 03, 2007....
yup. I hope I can find the time to enroll myself in some self defense class. :D The only dangerous sport that I know is archery... what use will it give me when I don't have a bow and arrow right heheheh :D
Yup, I'm one tough customer hehhe :D Yup, I'm trying my best to take care of myself.
Cheers and Thanks girl! :D
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Lioness said on Jan 03, 2007....
Hmmm... I hope not one of those rascals were able to "ruin" your dignity. Never allow them!! =)
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dazed_and_confused said on Jan 03, 2007....
well unfortunately I had a bad rep among my roommates because all they saw was me dating around. they even thought I was a slut. I remembered a time when I was so mad at them because they were insinuating that I had sex with two guys while they were still both courting me. Hmm... I got so mad that I didn't talk to them for two months and I didn't sleep in our room whenever they were there. I only went back to our room to get some clothes. Which of course caused more speculation that I was living with a guy. Hmm... really bad. Though my friends (non-roommates) think that I'm squeaky clean and a good girl.
Actually I wasn't entirely faultless about the bad rep with my roommates. I actually did went out or even exchanged numbers with more guys than I have toes and fingers combined. And yes, I did have a black book, and yes I was pretty messed up at that time that I was actually on the verge of saying yes to several invitations for a one night stand while in a relationship. I was really bad before, but I projected a squeaky clean image among people (other than my roommates of course). I really felt that I was leading a double life, which I did.
Thankfully when I went steady with Rod, I found a really good friend who would listen to me. Though we had some intimacy problems. I was afraid of getting intimate. Its probably because I wasn't attracted enough. Another reason could be that I was still healing for all the things that happened to me.
I remember the times when he tried to kiss me, and I couldn't bring myself to reciprocate. I was so scared that if I deepen the kiss, he would think of me as a slut, or very experienced. Though he wanted me to open up, I can't. I was afraid that I would drive him away, and I was afraid that he would do the same thing that Polo did to me.
Why? When Polo and I were together, I told him of all the guys I used to go out with. I thought he was okay with it. Then we made out. He was so surprised because you know, ahem. But I knew he enjoyed our three-hour makeout session. However, the next day, he called me and told me that I wasn't the girl that he thought I was and that he wanted to cool off the relationship. But we made up after that. Then the trouble began. He then wanted to have sex with me. We would end up having arguments about that. And yes my roommates knew about the arguments. Anyways, I would probably give the details of what happened during Polo's time in a much later time. And it wasn't the best experience in the world.
Rod accepted me for all the things that I've done. I remember when I brought him to our open house (apartment), my old roommates flashed my black book in front of him and they even insinuated that I am a very hard girlfriend because I could never be faithful. Which is probably half true. Oh well.
However, we (roommates and I) made peace after that. Though they still am unsure of my ahem... Oh well, I don't really care. Let them think what they want to think.
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silverwhisper said on Jan 03, 2007....
dazed, i'm sorry, there's no nice way to say this but your friends suck. and i'm sorry that you had those experiences. that's terrible.
[hug]
ed -
dazed_and_confused said on Jan 03, 2007....
Its okay. Yup they do suck. But I guess its partly my fault. I guess they just are too concerned what other people might think.
Yup, my experiences were terrible. Its often hard to appear cheery or be just genuinely happy. I can say that I haven't had the best life but I am struggling to make it a lot better. However hard my life is, I still have faith in humanity. I just try to be as happy as I can be because if I think about all the things that happened to me, I'd go insane.
You see in person, I always go around with a cheerful attitude, and you'd never thought I experienced all of those. Even here at SC, I try to keep my posts cheerful, bubbly, and like a kid, because I wasn't given the opportunity to be happy with myself when I was younger. I was forced to grow up. Of course with an occasional serious post bout my life. Anyway, those experiences made me stronger.
Thanks ed, you are such a good guy! :D [hugs back]
Cheers!
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queenparanoia said on Jan 03, 2007....
yeah i have friends like that. always judging me. i always thought that GOD has a reasons why i wont graduate this year . that's because he wont let me graduate with my not real friends! i'll post it next time. but i'm thankful that i have real friends nowadays. anway way back to your blog. i was really sad to read all the bad stuff that happened to you. i know right now you are emotinally hurt by the stuff that happens. but all things happen for a reason. we learned from these and become stronger. i'm happy to know that you could vent it out here in soulcast.oo nga pala sunday na uwi ko sa iloilo andito pa ko sa fairview.keep on blogging!!! -
dazed_and_confused said on Jan 03, 2007....
heheh :D naks sinusulit mo ang bakasyon!
ewan ko ba kung bakit napakaraming manyakis dito sa pilipinas! :D
ay naku sinabi mo pa. ang hirap kayang magkaroon ng mga kaibigang epal. akala mo eh kung sinong ke babait noh. ay naku talaga. pero okay na kami ngayon. Hindi na ko nagsasabi ng mga secrets ko sa kanila. mahirap na.
yup katakot takot na trauma inabot ko. Alam kong hindi pa ako fully recovered pero alam kong kakayanin ko to. ako pa,hahahaah :D kaya ngingiti na lang ako :D
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silverwhisper said on Jan 03, 2007....
dazed: while being cheerful is good, being true to yourself might be better for you, you know? :>
oof! that was one hell of a hug! :>
ed -
dazed_and_confused said on Jan 03, 2007....
There were times that I tried being true to myself, but I just sunk into depression. Which was bad. So I tried building a wall to around myself, but I felt like a rock. I guess being cheerful is another one of my defense mechanisms. :D Still when I act happy, I feel a little happier. I guess that's how I try to cope up. :D Maybe in time I could try again at being true to myself. But for now, I'll just try to be cheerful.
Thanks ed! :D hhehehe
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husbandhater said on Jan 03, 2007....
Dazed some men are crap and the ones you've disscussing are piled up neatly in that bunch. But you've strong and that what counts. Don't let it destroy u. I work with alot of Philippinos(my spelling sucks) at my job and I hear stories of back home and how strict some things are. But every thing is not your fault. Peoples' actions play a large part in things and they chose not to be bigger and to take advantage of u in these enviornments, so place the blame where it belongs(with them ) and use your experiences to help u grow as a person even the horrible ones. Someone will come along who your experiences will assist one day watch. And as much as they hurt you'll feel it go away when you help them. -
mobil said on Jan 03, 2007....
Everyday is a chance for a new beginning. In order to begin anewyou might want to make sure you are intact emotionally, get helptalk to someone in real life. Someone who is a professional.Afterwards, your life experiences will be of benefit to you. This newday, new beginning, it's up to you DC. Good luck with it..... -
mom said on Jan 03, 2007....
Hang in there sweetie, life gets better as we get older, smarter, and stronger. Not all men are creeps. Ed is not a creep and Cops are not one either, neither is mobil and I there are a few others.Stay away from Gumpy and the one who calls himself fitt or fritt.*hugs* -
silverwhisper said on Jan 03, 2007....
dazed, i've been a fan of acting happy = being happy for a while, myself. i'm sure not gonna criticize you for it.
ed -
dazed_and_confused said on Jan 03, 2007....
husbandhater. Thanks :D. I do understand that things just happen for a reason and there are some things that are much bigger than us, that often we cannot comprehend. I guess some things are just way out of our comprehension. Yes, it is quite strict and conservative here in the Philippines. There's a very thin line here in our society between being liberated and being a slut. And that's a very thin line that I'm threading on.
mobil. Unfortunately, here in the Philippines, consulting a shrink is very uncommon. Though I had talked to a peer counselor before. Those are one of the very few times that I've talked to someone about my past, and I left out a lot of details.
mom. Thanks mom. yup, not all men are creeps. It just happened that creeps and jerks are attracted towards me. Thank you. I hope that as I get older I become wiser.
silverwhisper. Thanks ed. Acting happy sure helps.
Anyway, heheh :D I haven't had much sleep today. wahahahah. I've been in the office for more than 24 hours now. I've been programming. Anyway, thanks for all the support. You guys are great.
[hugs all of you]
Cheers!
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fucked_up_girl said on Jan 09, 2007....
my god... here i am ranting about my desperations... when so much way back, you've been experiencing terrible things too unimaginable for me. im sorry for all those experiences... and yeah well, life gets pretty tough for some. and i guess the two of us are included in that population. we just have to hang on. keep our heads together. sabi nga ng southborder, there's a rainbow always after the rain. :) -
dazed_and_confused said on Jan 09, 2007....
ahahah :D and I love that song. Whoa! That was fast. :D Oks lang naman yung mga experiences ko. Mahirap pero kaya ko pa naman. Minsan nga lang naiisip ko, baka in denial lang ako kaya nakukuha ko pang ngumiti, kung uso lang siguro ang shrink sa pilipinas malamang suki na nila ako dun.
Yup life does get pretty tough. Minsan mahirap talaga ikeep ang iyong dignity at sanity kung may mga tao namang gustong sumira sa yo.
Pero lam mo yung pinaka namiss ko... ang maging bata. I wasn't given a chance para maging masayang bata. Pero okay na rin yun. Wala na akong magagawa.
Halata ba akong walang ginagawa? hahaha :D Slack time ko kasi ngayon matapos ang sobrang pagcocode at pagkayod last week.
Cheers!
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mom said on Jan 09, 2007....
Oh boy Dazed, I loved all the wrong guys when I was younger. The wild boys were so much more fun, but along with that came a lot of heartache also. Thank goodness I have mellowed out. :) -
dazed_and_confused said on Jan 09, 2007....
yup bad boys seemed pretty exciting at the time. You know why I liked Ching and Polo in the first place? heheh :D because they were so different from me. They were both rebellious and spontaneous. hmmm... They were the school rebel, and I was the naive, nerdy, top student. Hmm., quite the paradox there.
Cheers!
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