Back in high school, I had a space warp in my bladder.  It's the only explanation I can think of to explain why I could go from 7:30am to 4 o'clock in the afternoon without needing the bathroom.  When I did use the bathroom, it was usually empty so teenager bladder warps appear to be standard issue.

Preliminaries of bathroom use would visit upon me, I'd wager.  Lord knows I remember having gas, but it wasn't the same phenomenon I have today.  Perhaps the expression "young phart" has never taken because it's not so easy to notice and far less disturbing. 

In a nutshell, I stink now.  Whatever havoc has been wreaked on my digestive system between college and today has left me with the capability of manufacturing stuff George Bush wishes he could have found in Iraq to justify the war.  I'm not exaggerating when I have, quite by accident, produced emissions that brought my wife to the point of dry heaves.   Fortunately, these episodes are infrequent and short lived.

What is it about old broken down gastronomic systems that fail to properly chemically process food so young people don't produce SBD's in such quantity as the middle aged and up?   I'll write again if I ever find out.

I also have lost the capability of having the sphincter muscles of Hercules.  Gas was MINE to control once upon a time.  Could I hold back gas now that I'm middle aged?  Maybe.  I'm not sure if my failure to hold back for longer than the few minutes it takes to hike to a bathroom is a result of weakening muscles or a different set of priorities.  As with the old men that disrobe and stay naked in locker rooms, do old men just let loose any time they want because they're tired of trying to impress people?  Is it more contempt for this sack of bones and skin we carry around with us?    The ennui, the laziness that drives us to drop the attractive habits of the young and healthy may be facilitated by a bodily breakdown.  I don't remember when holding gas stopped being important to me.  Was it marriage that did the job?  I don't remember.

Fortunately, I've noticed my first conscious capitulation to aging and I'll share that with you next.


Fitness Goals:
60 beats per minute resting pulse.
One mile jog in ten minutes or less.
100 lbs. benchpressing 15 times - two cycles.



Current Fitness Record:
Pulse: 72 beats per minute
Mile:  Not attempted
Weights: 70 lbs. x 1 cycle of lifts

NEW SYMPTOMS : Wet, hacking cough. Intermittent post-nasal drip.
CHRONIC SYMPTOMS:  Clicking knees.  (especially left patella)
DIAGNOSIS: Cold virus.  Possible joint damage.
ONGOING TREATMENT:  Exercise, increase consumption of leafy greens.
PROGNOSIS FOR FOLLOWING WEEK: Recovery from cold and good health.

UPDATES:  pain between toes of right foot gets worse after jogging.  Sometimes a delayed reaction.  Unsure if pain is worse in work shoes or if it's the same in tennis shoes.  Proper running gear may be needed to banish this bete noir.

Weakness in left knee when climbing stairs carrying something heavy is more pronounced.  I use my right leg to propel me upwards so the left leg doesn't have to lift a full load.

LDL cholesterol requires iron to form plaques and atherosclerosis.  Low iron content in blood appears to offset some of the effects of high LDL, low HDL levels like mine.  Previous bloodwork has indicated a chronic tendency for me to have low iron levels (hematocrit).  This is a hopeful sign for my longevity.  Higher iron levels may be lowered by cutting down on meat or iron containing vitamins.

Another article informs me that green leafy vegetables contain healthful levels of nitrites. When hemoglobin in your blood calls releases oxygen, it converts nitrites to nitric oxide, to widen blood vessels.  This, my friends, is the same mechanism by which Viagra is supposed to work, minus the side effects.  Methinks I need to hit the salad bar harder than I have.  Not only does it offer help prevent heart attacks, I may be able to delay apologies to the wife for bedroom disappointments.



(Next: Old and tired?  Or just lazy?)