• gingersoul said on Dec 29, 2006....

  Solamente.....nice to meet you first of all.....

  Then....believe me...this kind of swing is going to happen all life long ..its not only because you are young....it will happen anytime..i am in the same uncomfortable position myself.......stay here or leave? change job again or keep doing the same?  going back to school or not?

  Its called life....lol....

  Btw....what is so decisive for you that blocks you from following your heart? Is he not free? There are problems? In love there is no way to have any certainty....you have to jump off that cliff, follow your instict, or you might risk to never love deeply...

  Take care...:-) 

   

• moonriver said on Dec 29, 2006....

  hi solamente, welcome to soulcast. nice analogy, the cliff. ginger's right, life is like that. but to extend your analogy... you could sort of just sit down on the edge, enjoy the view and the fine breeze from your perch, close your eyes, clear your mind. who knows, the guy below might climb up the cliff and sit down beside you for a nice chat. now if the total idiot still doesn't get the hint, then scream at him, "hey you! yes, you. i've been sitting here like a stupid gargoyle waiting for a zillion years now. will you climb up or do i have to swoop down and carry you off with my talons?" no need to fall as yet, imho. (sorry ginger, we diverge a bit here... :-)
  
  

• gingersoul said on Dec 29, 2006....

  No offense taken, dear moon.....:-)

  because i think we are evolving the same scenario...i think that by what solamente says it looks like she have been sitting on the perch feeling the nice breeze for too long already....i was feeling some impatience and frustration in her words...

  maybe the guy below is already gone to Starbucks and never went back...lol...

  but again...who am I to talk? still unable to give a direction to my life....(moon, i like to diverge with you as much as i like to converge with you...lol...)..

• Zayda said on Dec 30, 2006....

  Solamente--I truly wish I had some words of wisdom here.  Ginger is right; feeling like you are on the verge is sometimes a life-long experience.  You keep feeling like you are on that cliff even as you get older; it's life.  Sometimes, I feel like I am still on the verge of becoming.  Becoming what I do not know.
  
  I think I understand your frustration.  It's coupled with fear, isn't it?
  

• silverwhisper said on Jan 01, 2007....

  i've always found that generally speaking, being afraid to love is a worse cancer than loving and being hurt.
  
  ed

• solamente_me said on Jan 04, 2007....

  Thanks, each of you, for vistin' my blog.
  
  Gingersoul--I'm not actually that young.  I'm in my mid-30s.   I still sometimes--most times--look in the mirror and see "just a girl".  This may be cause I have always looked young for my age and most people assume I am a good 10 years younger than I actually am.  I suppose that is a fact I will much more appreciate as I do age.
  
  Zayda--Ahhh...insight you have into this feeling.  Yes, my frustration is coupled with fear.
  
  Silverwhisper--Is it?  I have loved once, very deeply and been hurt to the bone.  I'm not so sure that being afraid to love is worse.
  

• silverwhisper said on Jan 04, 2007....

  if you're afraid to love, how can you ever find love again? i was coming off a real mind-bender of a relationship--that one was a real horror show, i may blog about it someday--when i began dating my wife. had i not been willing to listen for love calling me by name, i might not have her in my life now, and that would have been terrible. love, after all, makes us better people than we were, i find. heaven knows it makes me a better person.
  
  ed

• gingersoul said on Jan 04, 2007....

  Solamente.....i am like you......looking younger than my passport info...lol...its something we do really appreciate later in life....:-)

  I am constanly on the verge to do something and fear of changing and failing is what keeps me back most of the time.

  When i indeed take the flight and i look back i always, always blame my stupidity for having wasted so preciuos time. I am the one who always says to herself."See? I made it it. It was actually easy. Why didn't i do this before?". Because at the end, it was really easy.... 

  But did i tell you my second name is Miss Procrastination?...lol..

  My head is always been in war with my heart....i wish you to find your answers...{hugs}

• solamente_me said on Jan 04, 2007....

  Well, Silverwhisper, I suppose you can consider yourself lucky then.  But, I still don't think that being afraid to love is worse than loving and being hurt.   It's a matter of different perspectives, I suppose. 
  
  What made you willing to listen to love calling you by name?  And how did you know that it was love and not some other machination masquerading as love?
  
  Actually, I don't think love always makes people better. I think it can make people manipulative, underhanded, hypocricitcal, and just plain vile.  But people never seem to attribute other's bad actions to love.  I've seen it though.  So, perhaps, love really isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
  
  Besides, it's not easy to take that step to love someone freely when you know it's not necessarily possible for the one you do love to return that feeling in any tangible way.
  

• silverwhisper said on Jan 04, 2007....

  solamente me: i was willing to listen b/c i saw her heart and knew it to be a good and pure one. that's why i fell in love w/ her. after that doozy of a relationship, i found this wonderful thing, and makes the bad things more bearable, good things better, and the great things incredible.
  
  i don't think i've seen people be any of those things out of love. i've seen them do it out of jealousy, fear or anger, but never out of love. something specific you had in mind there?
  
  ed

• gingersoul said on Jan 04, 2007....

  Solamente...i think we are afraid to love the most when our wounds are still fresh. We are afraid of not loving anymore when we feel ourself full of love and we dont see anybody around us to give our love to. Or the person who we wish to give our love to is not free to love us back.....

  I totally agree with you though that love indeed can make us less than good: in name of love we can choose pitiful, shameful, regretttable actions. We dont intend any harm but at the end its harm what we inflict..

  I know i have been guilty: i have lied for love, i have manipulate people for love, i have intruded privacies and at the end love led me to hate.

  Love is a powerful feeling..it needs to be handle with attention...

  And you are rigth when you say its risky loving freely somebody who is not free to love you back...very dangerous and potentially poisonous, for both the persons involved...i completely understand your reluctance then..

• RollingC said on Mar 22, 2007....

  Good post Solamente...
  Love is a deep emotion that can easily turn into hatred if the conditions are right and it will make us do many things.  There are many acts of Love out there that people take for granted but being afraid to love is a condition of fear and self-preservation instinct of not wanting to be hurt. 
  Sitting or standing at the edge of Love (the cliff) is a sweet torture that you should put up with briefly but not too long. There's nothing wrong with making an intelligent inquiry into your emotions and the possible consequences.
  
  

• copsunited said on Mar 22, 2007....

  A GIRL?? You over weight , droop fat fuck !! Girl??
   
  You have insulted the entire female species.
   
  I got news for you..I have seen Hogs and Pigs that make you
  look bad. Unreal.
   
  The brain power of a turnip and the intellect of a tampon and you
  have the audacity and temerity to reappear here with a new
  name? New to soulcast are you..you lying piece of human
  excrement.
   
  Suck my dick and God knows you know how to do that. U PIG

• solamente_me said on Mar 22, 2007....

  Oh look, it's Copsunited out trying to play with the people who actually have brain cells.  Really, Cops, you are a true red-blooded idiot.  And you just can't stand it when someone sees what a slimey shit you are through all that false bravado you like to wave around like a badge.  You are cretin who isn't worth the time of day of 90% of the people who post here.
  
  Yes, I am a girl.   Correction, I am a woman.   And at the time I posted this post back in December, I was new to Soulcast.  I didn't really feel compelled to post much more, but have commented a few times in others' blogs.  And I've read a great deal; in fact, I've read enough to see what a two-bit worthless troll you are.
  
  Suck your dick?  You wanker; I pity you if you think that tiny speck between your legs qualifies as a dick worth anyone sucking.  Oh, wait, I forgot,  your dick resides squarely on your shoulders and encases that laughable pitiful mess you think qualifies as a brain.  You are utterly pathetic.
  

• botoni said on Mar 22, 2007....

  ?

   

• solamente_me said on Mar 22, 2007....

  To Silver:  Forgive me, I never addressed your last comment here.   Well, I suppose a good and pure heart is reason enough to be willing to listen to someone.  Although, in my past experiences those people who with such "good and pure hearts" turn out to have them because they are horribly naive both intellectually and emotionally.  From what I have read of you, though, you don't strike me as a man who would be attracted to naivety on either the emotional or intellectual level.
  
  But yes, as Ginger noted, love I think can cause people to do horrible awful things in it's name.  As to the specific thing I have in mind, it's not for me to share publicly at this point.
  
  To RollingC:  Thank you for your comments and your understanding this is an inquiry into my emotions, the source of them, and the nature of them; I regret not having addressed them earlier today.
  
  Botoni:  You have questions?  I see you haven't been around long enough to bear witness to the behavior of Cops.  (I'm not claiming my stooping in this thread is any better, mind you.)  Don't worry; you'll encounter it eventually, probably in the form of homophobia as one of his favorite things to do is hurl anti-gay slurs at any man who he feels threated by or intellectually challenged by.  Just peer through some of Silver's previous blogs to see for yourself. 
  

• silverwhisper said on Mar 23, 2007....

  solamente me: you're right, i'm not generally a fan of naivete on any level. it's unfortunate your experiences have made you seemingly suspicious. joyce once said that there is innocence, experience, then what he termed "radical innocence": a kind of return to innocence that i've always understood to be a rejection of cynicism and jadedness. and of course, i will respect your privacy--i know too well that there are things we may or may not want to share, even anonymously.
  
  btw: i'm quite fond of your manner of interaction. :>
  
  ed

• TheNakedProfessor said on Mar 23, 2007....

  The ability to retain recognition of all in life that is miraculous and amazing both within and outside the human realm that is just a tiny part of the universe allows one to be a skeptic without becoming a cynic. Skepticism is healthy and wise, because it still allows for growth once it is assauged. Cynicism is a bitter retreat into the dark side.
  
  Hope all is well.

• kelly said on Mar 26, 2007....

  sola: cops has some serious issues.  Please ignore him.  
  
  
  TNP: Nice!
  
  
  silver: Well, I'm going to have to read some Joyce, then.  It's a great concept.  It's too easy to let the world steal the wonder and curiosity and braveness of love from oneself.  Or one's elf.

• silverwhisper said on Mar 26, 2007....

  kelly: precisely. as chimaera is fond of saying, "cynicism is for the weak".
  
  ed

• lioneljay said on Apr 24, 2007....

  Solamente_me, I'm not at all sure how I missed this blog when you first arrived. So, a much-belated welcome to SC and may I clap a few times for the quality of your comments? You show insight, poise, and a firm resolve to not suffer fools gladly or otherwise.

• Expendable said on May 07, 2007....

  Hello Solamente_me. When it comes to love, we're all so very, very stupid. The things we do, that they do, we pass it off, ignore it. We can be oh so forgiving of even the worse. But it all comes back when you're slaming your fists against the wall screaming "I'm such an idiot!" Only you can't hurt yourself enough to dull the pain inside.

  You can't control who you fall for. God I wish we could.

  but you can learn to be a little more careful.

• solamente_me said on May 09, 2007....

  Silver:  My manner of interaction?
  
  TheNaked: I would like to think I am not cynical but highly skeptical. I suppose it's the "questioner" in me
  
  Kelly: Thanks for the comments; I will ignore him...oh wait he's gone, maybe.  I'll ignore him if he comes back.
  
  LionelJay:  I'm not sure which comments you have seen you are clapping over the quality of, but thank you.  And you are right, I don't suffer fools gladly or otherwise.  Life is too short to suffer them.  Thanks for your comments.
  
  Expendable:  I find that beating my head against the wall works better than fists.  *shrugs*.  And yes, you can't control who you fall for.  Ahh, being more careful, sometimes the heart seems bent on taking risks no matter how much care we take otherwise, no?   BTW, I am might curious as to how you found my blog.
  
  
  I've neglected my blog far too long by simply just reading the goings on here.  I should remedy that; seriously I should.
  

• silverwhisper said on May 09, 2007....

  yes, your manner of interaction. IOW: i like the way you reply to copsunited. :> you remind me strongly of several people i know and can't shake the feeling i know you from someplace other than soulcast.
  
  ed

• solamente_me said on May 09, 2007....

  Silverwhisper:  I can assure you that I don't know you from anywhere but here.
  
  ummm...IOW = ?  In other words?
  

• silverwhisper said on May 09, 2007....

  i figured had that been the case, you would have said as much in one of our previous exchanges, but i had to ask. :> and yes, that's what the abbreviation stands for.
  
  ed

• MsBradford07 said on May 09, 2007....

  I don't know what you can do, but I read your response to cop, and that was funny yet true. I read the comment you left lucy. Funny yet true as well. I like your style.

• mom said on May 10, 2007....

  Solamente, I like you!  I love how you deal with the scum called "fucknuts' oh wait, Cops.
  Now to the topic at hand, I don't know if you got the answer you were looking for but I really hope so.
  

• anonymous said on Jul 19, 2007....

  and on and on she senselessly prattles.

• silverwhisper said on Jul 19, 2007....

  interesting...how'd you manage to comment anonymously when from what i can see, anonymous commenting is blocked by this user?
  
  ed

• solamente_me said on Jul 19, 2007....

  I didn't have it blocked before that comment, Silverwhisper.  So, I used that comment to block anonymous comments.

• silverwhisper said on Jul 20, 2007....

  ah. good call. :>
  
  ed

• mom said on Jul 20, 2007....

  hey Solo- well what did you decide?

• Expendable said on Jan 31, 2008....

  ed.

  -ex.

• MekhongKurt said on Apr 13, 2008....

  Hi, Solamente Me --
  
  I bet there's not a person on the planet who can't identify with your plight.
  
  I'm soon 57 years old, long divorced and without a "Significant Other" practically the entire time since my divorce.  But I have been on that same cliff's edge a number of times since (and before I married, of course).  For various reasons -- all of which proved to be sound ones, in hindsight -- I haven't gone over the edge.
  
  I'm a Caucasian American.  In 1987, I married a native of Beijing; I was living and working there at the time.  But even *asking* her to marry took me up the highest cliff I'd ever seen.
  
  It didn't help that instead of answering me, she quietly stood up, bundled up -- it was the dead of winter -- and left my apartment without a word, disappearing for three weeks.
  
  When she showed up again, she accepted.  But we had many more cliffs to jump off of before finally tying the knot, and there were times we both were on the verge of giving up.
  
  Her family were all initially shocked, though, happily, they quickly decided I was an okay guy.
  
  Local officials were more problematic.  Her boss -- whose formal, written permission for her to marry a foreigner was required by law -- tried his best to derail us by refusing to sign for over two months, until I got in touch with a sympathetic member of the Communist Party's Central Displinary Committee, who gave me his card and told me I could drop his name.
  
  It worked, though Xia's boss was furious.  But he was cornered, and risked being fired and expelled from the Party -- this was just a few years after Deng Xiao Ping, the late Supreme Leader, had puclicly intervened to allow a Chinese guy marry a European lady, telling the media that Chinese people are free to marry who they damned well please.
  
  Even the marriage ceremony itself was daunting.  An engaged couple we knew -- same story regarding race and nationality as ours -- and we had a double wedding.
  
  A middle-of-the-night wedding in front of a Justice of the Peace is romantic as all get out in comparison.
  
  We had to appear before a panel of three judges at the Foreigners' Marriage Bureau.  No joke.  Now, Chinese law specifies the rights and responsibilities of both the bride and groom.  None of the judges spoke English, but my buddy speaks fluent Chinese, so they told him to do a running interpreting of what the chief judge was saying and asking.
  
  The judge doing the blabbing pointedly told the four of us all the rights -- but none of the responsibilities -- of the ladies.  Then she told us all the responsibilities -- but none of the rights, of us Foreign Devils.  Done, she asked if we all four understood and accepted, and of course we said yes.
  
  That was it.  I felt like I had had my butt chewed out, not gotten married!
  
  To be fair, the butt-chewing down, all three judges broke into broad smiles and invited us into a small reception room, where they gave us cookies and hot tea, slapping our backs in hearty congratulations, asking me and the other guy about our backgrounds and just how we ended up in the Heart of the Dragon, etc.  They even posed for photos with us.  So, it ended up nicely.
  
  I don't know if I would have to courage to undergo all that again.  It took us the best part of a year to win all the required approvals -- Xia's boss was just the first stop -- and to convince the authorities to let us actually *schedule* getting married!
  
  So -- don't give up.  Until and unless you decide your goal has shifted.
  
  Good luck.
  
  Mekhong Kurt
  

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