2006 was quite a year. Yes, quite a year. If you are anything like me then you are probably standing here at the end of the year and looking back and saying, “When the hell did this happen? How the hell did I get here? What the hell happened?” Christmas has just passed and that means New Years is right in the viewfinder. I am not a fan of New Years Eve. I have no plans this year after spending the last couple of years working at a radio station on New Years Eve. I loved working New Years Eve at the radio station. It was more fun than being in a crowd somewhere celebrating the descent of some usually-round-shaped-object.
But it is now the time to look back at the year that was. Being one who loves to make lists, I thought this would be a great way to make yet another one.
January started out full of hope but is probably best remembered by those who follow world events as the month that Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon had a massive stroke. To those who don’t follow world politics and just like to panic about things there was still the world-wide one going on about bird flu. It was also the month where a South Korean scientist was shown to have lied about cloning a human. Meanwhile in Iraq things continued as normal which, of course, means things kept exploding and far too many soldiers and citizens continued to die because of it.
February arrived and the United States followed its tradition of forgetting what is going on in the rest of the world and focused on what’s really important: The Super Bowl. The Steelers of Pittsburgh manage to beat the Seahawks of Seattle 21-10 in a very boring game that does little to make anyone look forward the game the following year. Meanwhile a passenger ferry in Egypt sank in the Red Sea taking a lot of people right down with it. The Grammy Awards are held and U2 manages to win “Most Smug and Superior Lead Singer” of the year awards along with several others. Also, the Winter Olympics starts and my house gets excited but Bryant Gumbel makes stupid comments about how boring these events are compared the infinitely more-boring “March Madness” of the following month.
In March the first World Baseball Classic starts and proves that you can take America’s past-time, make it global and the U.S. will immediately lose interest in it. The U.S. team is eliminated rather quickly but other parts of the world actually do seem to care about this contest. Japan ends up beating Cuba in the Championship and winning the thing. The Academy Awards are held and there is much buzz and uncomfortable conversation among men about the movie “Brokeback Mountain.” It wins best picture despite every male saying he has never seen, nor will be ever see, this particular movie event though there’s nothing wrong with it, really.
Come April Ariel Sharon, despite being in a coma for four months, is finally officially removed from office. Many in the United States wonder when George Bush, obviously in some kind of stupor at the very least, will follow suit. The President of Iran announces to the world that Iran has produced enriched uranium. He then goes on to declare that the sun is actually the moon and that the color blue is actually a more-pleasant shade of pink. Zacarias Moussaoui is sentenced to life in prison and this greatly reduces the value of his martyr trading cards. Also, little-known writer Bryan W. Alaspa decides he might like to start freelance writing in his spare time and starts blogging.
May dawned and people continued to protest immigration laws by staging something called The Great American Boycott. Considering no one can remember exactly what this was its effect is obviously staggering. A number of miners are trapped in Australia. After 14 torturous days underground two miners of the fourteen trapped, Todd Russell and Brant Webb are rescued. A huge earthquake hits Java in Indonesia and 6,000 people are estimated to have been killed.
June started with the revelation of a terrorist ring being broken up in Toronto with allegations the group was planning to blow up targets in and around Toronto. The United States is once again forced to admit that Canada exists. Notorious terrorist Abu Masab al-Zarqawi and seven of his helpers are killed in an air-raid in Iraq. The World Cup starts. Most of the United States yawns and wonders what else is on television. The Miami Heat wins the NBA Championship and people like me who hate the NBA continue to watch baseball. Also, the Carolina Hurricanes beat the Edmonton Oilers to win the Stanley Cup and three people notice. Two of them are Canadian and one is my friend in St. Louis. Even the players on both teams are disinterested and when asked why they are celebrating they reply “we were just told this was, finally, the last damn game of the season!” This happens on June 19. June 20th, the next season of the NHL starts.
In July Kim Jong Il steps up and shocks much of the world by launching 7 missiles including a long-range missile that is called the Taepodong-2. Everyone in the world immediately laughs at the name of the missile. Italy wins the FIFA World Cup in overtime on penalty kicks. Something finally interesting happens during a match when French Team player Zinedine Zidane head-butts Italian player Materazzi. This immediately goes up on YouTube and played countlessly even by people who have no idea what the World Cup is. St. Louis gets hit by two huge derechos (fancy meteorologist-speak for “windstorm”) within three days. Friends immediately send e-mails and pictures to Bryan W. Alaspa who is terrified of bad weather and storms to further add to his collection of weather-related nightmares. Floyd Landis wins the Tour De France and almost immediately is accuse of doping when he fails, appropriately enough, a doping test.
August starts off with the comforting news of massive arrests in England of potential terrorists who have binary compounds disguised as sports drinks that they plan to use to blow up dozens of aircraft at once. All liquids are immediately banned on flights everywhere. August is also the month where the Milky Way Galaxy loses a planet when the parameters of what constitutes a planet are changed by something called the International Astronomical Union. While also winning an award for “Most Pretentious Sounding Organizational Name” it makes Pluto essentially a large snowball and demotes it from planet.
In September Andre Agassi, and his hair (or lack thereof these days), retires from tennis. Pope Benedict makes a speech in Germany where he states that Islam is a religion that promotes violence. Islam immediately responds that this is not true by violently protesting and making threats of violence as proof that they are not, in fact, violent. The Pope attempts to hold up a dictionary to point out the word “irony” to the Islamic world but it is largely ignored due to the violence. Spinach was found contaminated with E. Coli which prompts many children to collectively yell “See!” to their parents. The Superdome in New Orleans reopens after the disaster of Hurricane Katrina when the Saints play. Also, Representative Mark Foley is forced to resign when explicit e-mails are found wherein he sexually harasses an underage male page. The Republicans do all they can to disavow Foley and try to plant incriminating Democratic evidence in his home.
October opens sadly when tragedy strikes in the Amish community in Pennsylvania when five young women are killed in a one-room schoolhouse. Charles Carl Roberts is the gunman and the reasons for his rampage are confusing and profoundly sad. Meanwhile just to add comfort to the world who thought the Cold War was over North Korea announces it has successfully conducted its first-ever nuclear test. Google buys YouTube for 1.65 billion dollars which causes the rest of the world to wonder exactly when the world is going to end because this HAS to be a sign of the Apocalypse. The St. Louis Cardinals manage to win the World Series despite winning under 100 games during the regular season. Even diehard sports fans such as myself collectively yawn. Bob Barker announces he will retire from The Price is Right which has been running successfully in one form or another since Ancient Egypt. John Kerry makes a stupid joke (he says) that manages to tick off everyone who is currently wearing or had once worn a military uniform. The Democrats wonder if they can box Kerry up and store him somewhere until after the mid-term elections.
November opens with the announcement from the magazine “Science” that 90% of marine life will be extinct by 2048. By November 3 Saddam Hussein and two if his senior aides are sentenced to death by hanging under the charge of crimes against humanity and having a poorly groomed beard. The mid-term elections are held and the Democrats win back both the House and Senate. George Bush announces he was just kidding all along about Donald Rumsfeld and he “resigns” almost immediately. Al Jazeera launches and English-language counterpart. Many protest but some just want to go to the website and watch the thing to see what the hubbub is since you can’t see it on cable anywhere just yet. Michael Richards launches a racist tirade at a comedy club causing many to wonder exactly when Michael Richards suddenly decided he was a stand-up comic.
Finally, December comes and the year finally comes to an end. The President continues to ignore the special study about Iraq. Rush Limbaugh continues to bluster and blather and other conservatives attempt to pretend everything is going great over there if the media would just stop showing the hundreds of dead people being blown to bits while trying to get to work or the market. By December 13 the Chinese River Dolphin is officially declared extinct. U.S. Senator Tim Johnson suffers a stroke and undergoes emergency surgery causing worries about the balance of power in the Senate. A Libyan court sentences give Bulgarian nurses and a Palestinian doctor to death for knowingly infecting hundreds of Libyan children with HIV. Fighting breaks out between Palestinian groups within Palestine. Israel sighs and watches waiting to see if the two sides will, essentially, destroy each other. On Christmas the Godfather of Soul and the Hardest Working Man in showbiz, James Brown, dies of heart failure due to complications with pneumonia.
Thus was the year that was. In there somewhere were also things like the death of the Crocodile Hunter and the release of the Iraq study that George W. continues to ignore. Things got worse in a place known as Darfur in Africa and in Iraq. All in all, it was a year most would probably agree it’s best that it just ends. So, now we look forward to 2007. Hopefully little-known writer Bryan W. Alaspa will finally get an offer from a newspaper or magazine either online or in print to write these columns for them and get paid so-as to make all of the effort a little more worthwhile.
If you want to start 2007 out right you can buy Bryan W. Alaspa’s novel Dust which is available in print and eBook form at www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.
