I fall asleep at night sometimes remembering our secret love. I always seemed to come first for him. He would call me when he had a
new girlfriend, I would tell him of my boyfriend. People would ask my
permission to date him and others would rush to tell me of the scandal.
We
spent the night together during a group vacation. For me, it was the one
thing I had waited for all those years. We walked into a dark hotel room and I couldn't see so I asked if he was there and reached out my hand. He said "Forever" and grabbed my hand. I melted away as he whispered uttered the words. The things he would say! They always made me feel that way. Afterwards, we walked along the
beach together talking and looking out at the ocean. I felt free and in
love and I dreamed of how it would be when we went home. But nothing
changed. We still kept our love secret under the watchful eyes of
hundreds. We kept our distance out of fear of scrutiny but our hearts remained so close and we continued to meet in private. Somehow it didn't seem right, us being together; a girl like me and a guy like him.
I've seen him 3 times since then, once just before I was married.
We met to talk a few days before the wedding and I remember him very
clearly saying,
"I can't believe you're getting married. You know, you don't have to get married."
I
said , "I know. I want to." My heart was beating so fast. I didn't want
to have this conversation with him. I didn't want to talk about it
right now, not with him.
He asked, "Why are you getting married?"
I said, "I've had my fun. I'm ready." Not the real reason but I didn't want to tell him I felt obligated to marry my fiance.
He just shook his head, then said, "Wouldn't it be weird if we got married?"
I
just sat there, tilted me head and smiled. I just waited for him to say
something more. How stupid of me! Was he asking? Why couldn't I say
anything? I was missing my chance! A million things ran through my head
at that moment. I had made promises to people, I had a wedding in a few
days, I'd lose deposits, I'd break my fiance's heart. I couldn't do it,
even though I wanted to so desperately! I just leaned over and we
kissed. And that was it.
But, I'm always looking for him as I
drive in my car or walk down the street. Just waiting for that one last
encounter. Now, I'm wiser and older and realize that life is short.
Maybe this time I'll be brave enough to tell him how I've felt over the
past 15 years.
Rockerchic posted on Dec 26, 2006
| views: 299
Comments
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silverwhisper said on Dec 26, 2006....
i'm very confused why you did get married to your husband, to be honest. i hope an upcoming blog entry will address this.
we all miss opportunities, but remember also that hindsight is 20/20, as the saying goes.
ed -
secretlife said on Dec 26, 2006....
I think sometimes we romanticize the past. I know I've been guilty of this. Our lives get complicated and we face adversity and disappointments, and we think when we were younger, those things weren't a part of the equation....we were somehow immune to all of that. But the thing is, if you'd married another man, even this man....do you think you'd not have faced similar things?I don't know, I'm of the opinion that when we see someone years and years later, speaking of feelings that were between you at another time....just confuses the hell out of the present. Maybe it would be different with you and him, but when I decided to do that, all it did was create a big mess. -
Rockerchic said on Dec 26, 2006....
I know this all sounds confusing but I really do love my husband! And, yes, I romanticize the past. This seems to be a theme in my life. But I think it helps me to understand and appreciated what I have now. I'm still on that life journey...
I know the reason I didn't say something during our meeting was because I didn't want to change anything. And if I had said it, my life would have been different. It just didn't seem right.
I also know that if I have the chance to say something now, it would be for my benefit only. I would hate to have this feeling all my life and not be able to do anything about it. And it wouldn't be to explore a relationship. I already have a very satisfying one. It would be just to get it off my chest. To say that I understand what he was saying. Because, somehow, I feel like I've hurt him by not responding to his question.
After all, if I really wanted this, I would have tried harder over the years to make it different, wouldn't I.
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husbandhater said on Dec 26, 2006....
Are u really a romance novelist trying out a passage in a book on us?lol Old feelings can be very confusing and so can your life be if u feel u made a mistake or missed your one true love due to rushing towards a sure thing.
Are u still married? U and the hubby experiencing problems? Or is it that you've looking back on your marriage and wondering what if I had of choose the other road and run off to Vegas with the other guy? I think we all wonder what if but i'll be tunning in to see what u say to these questions in new bloggs.
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queenparanoia said on Dec 26, 2006....
yeah regrets really sucks. at least youre happy now right??? -
BeachBum69 said on Dec 26, 2006....
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BeachBum69 said on Dec 26, 2006....
Hi rocker, As Phil would say "GET REAL. The other guy you have the hots for has 3 other women that he is playing, you were no.4. Get your life together and try to make the most of what you've got. Your husband knows that their is a problem, so pay more attention to him. You can have a very happy life if you only put forth an effort.May the Powers of the Universe be with YOU.BeachB -
get_me_knot said on Dec 26, 2006....
Wow! That sounds so much like my story at the time I married about 10 years ago. I still think of her once in a while. She asked me why I was getting married and made a comment as to how funny it would be if we had gotten married. I'm sure this is a not so un-common ocurrence. Thanx for posting and now you made me think of her again :-) -
Lioness said on Dec 26, 2006....
Geez.. I wish that love story never ended.. 15 years? Wow! Now what keeps me wondering is how your story would be if he was the person you are married to. =) But I guess you are happy with your life now. =) -
Rockerchic said on Dec 27, 2006....
husbandhater: you said something that put this into perspective for me; "a sure thing". Yes, still married and no problems we can't work through. I knew that with my fiance, my life would be exciting. If I had chosen the other road, we wouldn't have lasted long. He was stuck on plans and I like to live on the wind.
queen: yes, I am very happy right now. I couldn't ask for anything more than the love of a good man, a good father and a good provider.
BeachBum: thanks for the wake up call but I did that years ago when I realized he didn't give me the one thing that I needed to know he was serious; the public showing of affection to know I'm number 1 with him. As I said, we both had other flings that each knew about but if he would have tried harder to catch me, I might have let him.
get_me_not: I hope I didn't stir up any ghosts. You aren't him by any chance, are you? LOL ;-)
Lioness: It would have never worked out between us. I have a bit of a wild streak in me, that I have yet to write about, that he couldn't deal with. I am happy, as much as one can be I suppose. I made the right decision.
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