I guess I should start by telling you that I have spoken to him since the "breakup." I know what he did was inexcusable.How he handled everything was wrong.But I am not the type of person that holds grudges.I believe grudges are a waste of happiness.

 

He called me to invite me to have lunch and watch the football game at a local sports bar.I tell him I will think about it and call him back.I walk around my house in circles,contemplating what I should do.I know I shouldn't go.It's too soon.I can't see him.I really want to see him.I have to see him.

 

I go.I am talking to myself the whole drive there.I tell myself that this is my Christmas gift to myself,allowing myself to make this mistake.Because I know it is a mistake.I walk in,search the crowded bar and finally spot him.As I approach him I see that he looks like shit.He needs a haircut,his once white tennis shoes are filthy and ragged.He's already ordered for me.I feel a twist in my heart that he knows me so well.I miss him.I can't make eye contact with him.I am afraid he will read my mind. We sit,eat,laugh,drink a few beers and watch the game.Just like old times.Now it's halftime,time for the show...His sister and her boyfriend show up.It gets really uncomfortable when they realize I am there.They make the excuse that the bar is too crowded and they leave.Now he can't make eye contact with me.He says he didn't think they were coming.I realize what has happened.He asked everyone else to meet him at the bar and no one else was available since it was Christmas Eve.Except me.I am the subsitute.Because he doesn't want to be alone.(LIGHTBULB).He excuses himself to go to the restroom.I watch him walk away.I think about what he looked liked when we were together.Always had a haircut,ironed clothes,clean tennis shoes.Hmmm...that was all me.

 

I stay and watch the rest of the game.He walks me to my car.He hugs me goodbye and I inhale his scent.Doesn't smell as sweet as I remember.I wish him a Merry Christmas and drive away.I tune to the radio station with Christmas music.I smile and thank myself for the Christmas gift.