This was originally to be a single post, but as I kept writing, I realized I had far too much to say for any one entry.  So, I have split it into three, this being the first.  The other two segments will appear as I have the time and inclination (with the holidays upon us, I can't really predict when that will be!)


I will begin with an admission: I am a perfectionist, and not the good, useful kind - the debilitating, unlivable kind.

When I clean, I have this overwhelming sense of not being "done," or of having not really cleaned at all, if I can't be sure in my mind that every last spot has been eliminated, every last corner reached (even if it means moving furniture!), and every object precisely placed.  One day this summer, I completely exhausted myself "cleaning" the kitchen.  I did all the dishes, washed all the counters, swept, vacuumed, and mopped the floor, and tried to clean every SINGLE stain off the fridge, deep freeze, cabinets, deep fryer...everything.  I worked on it for two days straight and still didn't feel done.  For three days afterwards I could barely bring myself to get out of my chair, I had so worn myself out.  It's not that I'm motivated to be clean, because I absolutely am not a neat person.  I am motivated to leave no centimeter unswept, or else I can't really check it off the list I keep constantly in my mind!

I am a control freak, unable to let any project leave my hands, because then I will not be assured of its quality.  I have to really restrain myself not to come behind my husband and "fix" things.  He doesn't organize the tupperware the way I would, and I itch to put it right.  But I try to remind myself that if I want his help, I have to let him do things his way.  It is very, very hard to let go!

Other things perfectionism does: I give up and start over, a lot.  When something doesn't go well, I just want to start fresh and clean, from a new ground zero.  For this reason, I have a lot of beginnings to stories and very few endings. 

Along the same lines, it sometimes contributes to my suicidal thoughts.  Please don't worry or be scared for me -  I know "suicide" is a frightening word to hear someone say.  But in my case, I have lived with depression for a long time, and I know these thoughts well.  I have learned to listen to what they are telling me about myself, in the moment, rather than listen to what they are telling me to do.  I am not in any danger of committing suicide, but I cannot deny that the thoughts come to me from time to time.  And I have come to realize that these thoughts are usually a result of my feeling that I have failed: "God, I can't even cook a proper dinner or get any housework done even though I'm only working three hours a week!  I'm just not made to live in this world - I just want to give up, quit, start over."

It immobilizes me and leads me to recite lists of my own failures and shortcomings.  In this way, it exacerbates my tendency to depression.  It drives a lot of negative self-talk.  I am smart, reasonably attractive, talented, interesting, kind, considerate, and thoughtful, and yet my self-esteem is in the basement.  I am terrified of making mistakes.  I take the slightest criticism as the end of the world, the slightest displeasure in someone else ("Aw, man!  There's lint fuzz all over my black shirt, because it got washed with the towel") as an extremely personal failure ("You stupid woman, you screwed up and washed my shirt with a towel.  Now I have nothing to wear and it's all your fault!")

It is one thing to recognize what perfectionism does to me and how false my perceptions are, and another thing entirely to change those perceptions.  People can tell me to "think positive," "it's really no big deal," "you're a wonderful person," and I hear it, and I know it's true, but none of it really sinks in.  It's like saying, "No, absolutely you're not fat!"  No matter how much you tell the person, and no matter how much they may know, in some part of their mind, that it's true, they still are not going to stop thinking they're fat.  You know?

It's very good for me to write this, and I look forward to writing the rest of it when the time is right.  I hope that people reading this will get as much out of it as I am by writing it - but even if not, my writing is for me first and foremost, and if it does me good (and only me) then it has still served its purpose!  I have to remind myself of that!