• secretlife said on Dec 21, 2006....

  my son just turned 11.

  he's in 5th grade, and in our school system this is the year they get 'the talk' at school.

  Pretty much it the basic biology talk.  They tell them about menstruation, how babies are made, blah blah.

  Last summer, when he was still 10, my son got an erection.  It was quite an interesting day at my house.  I thought i'd done a fair enough job talking birds and bee's to all my kids.  He already knows about 'periods', since I have 2 older girls.  But heck, I don't think i ever told him about this thing that would happen to him!  So that day, he worked up the courage to come to me to ask what was the matter.  I didn't think that happened to 10 yr olds, but you know what?  talking to some girlfriends with boys, it DOES!

  Anyway, i got him thru that, and had my husband sit and talk with him that night about some other 'surprises' that might happen soon.

  Damn, they grow up too fast!!!!!

• purrrkitten said on Dec 21, 2006....

  Don't they, tho??? I can't believe he's 10 already as it is...

  I was thinking of getting DH and his 8.5 yr old brother to sit in too. I'm not sure if that will make him more embarrassed (that's a given, I think) or less emabarrassed. I want him to feel like he can ask questions about things he wants or needs to know or doesn't understand. Do you think I should have his brother there?

  I don't think they've had the sex talk at school yet. I kept him out of kindergarten for an extra year (I didn't feel he was socially ready to go) so he's older than his classmates.

• MissMimi said on Dec 21, 2006....

  It can happen even earlier than that, Secret. When my son was an infant, he occasionally got an erection when I changed his diaper. A little disconcerting for me, but the doctor said it's perfectly normal.

• secretlife said on Dec 21, 2006....

  I bought a kid's book that i used to explain childbirth-

  I did it with all of them before they went to kindegarten.

  I remember I was worried with my oldest because my son wasn't born until afterwards, and I was scared she'd see a penis by accident and be traumatized. LOL.

  I told my oldest alone about menstruation in 3rd grade because i could see she was starting to develop, and it's a good thing i did, cause in 4th grade she started.

  Once the first one goes thru puberty, nothing is sacred with the rest of your kids.  Believe me, they'll know just about everything from that kid's persepective.....so you're always balancing what to say, and what's too much after that.  I remember my oldest asking about homosexuality....and especially about lesbians on a trip home from the mall one night.  She was in 5th grade.  Believe me, they will know EVERYTHING!  I think all we can do at that point is add a bit of perspective for them, and provide information in as easy to understand fashion as possible.

  Since he's a boy, I think it's better for your husband to do the talk.  I didn't know enough of the biology (believe that?) to understand what it might be like from a boy's vantage to feel comfortable doing it.  I think, personally, it's better if your husband and older son do it together and leave out the younger one this time.  It's a big deal, and i'm sure somewhat embarrassing....if it's private between the two of them, i just think that's better.

  mimi:  yeah, my son occasionally had those as a baby....this one he had at 10 wouldn't go away, and it was hurting him....and he got scared. 

  This will make you cringe.  My husband remembers being in the bathtub at like 3 or 4 years old and having an erection.  His mother would flick it with her index finger....and tell him it was a bad thing!!!  She had SEVEN sons!

  He told me about that, and how badly it hurt!

  Unbelievable!

  We can't do a whole lot worse with our sons....

   

• lioneljay said on Dec 21, 2006....

  PK, the erection thing really does get going early. I distinctly remember having them during second grade. As for how and when to do the talk, your ideas and motives are all sound. SL added some good thoughts as well.
  
  I got nothing from my parents except a hurried, "Do you have any questions?" one day when I was riding in the car with my father. Good thing I'd already read the Masters and Johnson tome on human sexuality or I might not have had a clue about Tab A and Slot B.
  
  Our children received quite thorough education in late elementary and middle school so all we had to do was talk about the emotional concerns that arise during dating relationships and how sex can be influenced by them and how sex, in turn, can impact the emotions.
  
  SL, I'm amazed at what your husband reported. That was a cruel thing his mother did and no doubt has had a long-term effect on his attitudes toward sex.
  

• MissMimi said on Dec 21, 2006....

  Secret, that's horrible, simply unforgivable. I can't fathom the cruelty of a mother telling her own son that a part of his body is a bad thing. She should be ashamed.

• copsunited said on Dec 21, 2006....

  I hold sex classes for those that are entering adulthood..ages 21 and above..or Dirty old Man has new Vocation.
   
  Smooooooooochers....LOLOLOL

• purrrkitten said on Dec 21, 2006....

  Erections I know. I've had three boys now... ehehhehe...

  The only concern I have with having DH do it alone is that he isn't his real dad and I don't want anyone screeching about it or trying to cause trouble about it. I'm not sure if my ex would be happy about not having to do it or pissed cuz he wasn't involved in his fatherly responsibilities or something. As far as I'm concerned, DH is son's father in every other way - he provides for him, spends time with him, teaches him, loves him as his own. The boys spend 90% of their time with us.

  secret: what a horrid way of making something so natural into something so shameful. See what happens when we're all so afraid of our sexuality???

  Do you think I should try finding some sort of book to let him read and then discuss it when he's done? I sorta thought that might be the best way to broach the subject, as it were...   :-)

• husbandhater said on Dec 21, 2006....

  My son is 10 but I gave him the sex talk early
  and although he forgot somethings from the time
  he was 7. I would reintroduce some things to him
  when asked. I never sugar coated the subject due to
  my own "situation" (which when my son is old enough
  I guess I will explain what happened to me.) I think
  honesty is the only way to fly due to all the things
  children have to face out here, not only from peer
  pressure, but from preditors. They grow so fast and
  u want 2 protect them. But honesty I think keeps
  them even more protected.

• purrrkitten said on Dec 21, 2006....

  HH: I totally agree. Kids nowadays NEED to know the realities of life for their own protection. It's kinda sad that a kid can't be a kid because someone is liable to use that to hurt them.

  My kids know that I was raped. I've never hidden it from them. At this stage I don't thing they really understand what that means but they see how mommy has these strange times and so they see the after effects. That's why I make sure that even in simple things, no means NO.

• Zayda said on Dec 21, 2006....

  My son is only 5 and we have already started talks about sex with him from a biological perspective.  One of our closest friends had a baby last night and from the time she started showing, our little man had all kinds of questions about babies and how they got there.
  
  He's had questions about body parts since he was very young, and, I tend not to sugar coat things.
  
  The interesting thing is, since pre-schoolers and toddlers are so touchy feely and tend to love to hug on one another, you have to have a talk to them about not doing such things before they go to kindergarten (at least nowadays you do) and you especially have to have talks to them even at age 5 about not touching other kids certain ways (even as innocently as hugging) because you don't want to suddenly be faced with having to deal with a child being accused of sexual harrassment.
  
  So, we are already approaching the need to talk about more aspects of sex and sexuality--botht he physical and emotional--with our son because we have been doing bits and pieces of it for awhile now.
  
  
  

• silverwhisper said on Dec 21, 2006....

  honestly, i never got "the talk" so i have no frame of reference through which to comment meaningfully. everything i learned about the physiology i learned in 7th grade health class.
  
  ed

• GumpyJumptooth said on Dec 21, 2006....

  Purrkitten,
  
  In answer to your question, I got "the talk" at age 10.
  
  "The Talk" was precipitated by the fact that the school was going to start sex ed that year, and my father wanted to fire a pre-emptive strike.
  
  Unfortunately, my father was the head of pathology/toxicology at Dow Chemical.  I got THE most technical briefing of all history.  All the technical terms and biological reactions in their full glory down to the covalent bonds.  So technical, he could have been describing the process for nuclear fission.
  
  So, I picked the rest up from talk on the schoolyard and second hand porn.
  
  Just like God intended.
  

• gingersoul said on Dec 21, 2006....

  Purr...my daughter is 11 and she knows all the facts of life since she was 8....my rule has always been waiting for her to ask and answer only to the questions she asks...too much information isn't good as well as the complete silence. This suggestion was given to me by her Montessori teacher and i have to tell you it worked out greatly.

  We never had any problem with her hugging and kissing other kids. She was very easy going and would go huggin boys and girls and be hug back...the teachers were constantly supervise them but never prohibited these approaches and i agreed with them. We simply told her to not hug or kiss other kids who didn't want to be hugged. And it worked.   

  Then she had the usual sex ed at school. And while the other kids were giggling and grinning in embarassments she watched and listened without any problem. She wanted to know just  few days ago what it means "loosing the verginity". I told her in few, clear and simple words. i asked her if she wanted me to be more techical and detailed. She said no thanks. In a little while she will ask again. The most important thingis keept teh communication door alwasy open and let the kid know there is no stupid question and sex is natural as breathing.   

  I wanted to do the rigth thing with her because i never had the talk from my parents. I discovered everything through my old brother porno cartoon magazines (hiding in his closet) and reading James Bond books.

  Oh yes, there are pretty good indication of what a man does with a woman in those books for a 10 yrs old girl educated in a private catholic school. My father found out and prohibited me to keep reading the. But i did anyway...:-)  

• mom said on Dec 21, 2006....

  Hi,
  When I was growing up, the human body was dirty, you used weird names for different parts of the body and not the correct terms. I learned everything I knew from bathroom walls, friends, reading and experimentation.  I could never go to my mother and ask anything about sex. When my oldest was 2 years old he would grab himself and hold his penis. My mother was disgusted and accused him of masterbating.  I reminded her that he was only 2 and what he was doing was ok. 
  I decided that when I had kids I was going to be honest and open.  When my kids would ask me something, I would tell them the truth but I tried not to give them more information than that.  I felt that when they needed to know the rest they would ask.  I have never tried to make them feel bad for asking me.  It is better to find out from the parents than some other kid. Now my kids come to me and ask me things and they aren't afraid or embarrassed.
  Once though when my son was 4 he came into the house and asked me what a 'cocksucker' was....I asked him where he heard it and he said from kids and I told him that is was not a nice word and not to say it.  I felt that he was a little too young to go into detail.  Go  by your instincts and let them come to you.  Good Luck!

• goodgirlgp said on Jan 03, 2007....

  Well Purr,
   
  I teach Sex ed in the schools in my community - I could teach your two boys (especially cuz I know them personally)
   
  Now is a good time to teach them.

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