• silverwhisper said on Dec 14, 2006....

  you're not a monster, ET. you simply aren't.
  
  ed

• shekinah said on Dec 14, 2006....

  i know what you're going through sorta. My mum has bp.  And i lived with the affliction (through her) for 20 years till i left home ra ra ra....

  My dad (sorta in your position) has never coped very well with it. You sound very understanding and caring to be honest..... definately not a monster lol.

  you know what i think?  There should be more groups and therapies and what-not available for the families of bp people.  When i was young, my mother was getting help but i became invisible.  My father was isolated from her therapy as well.... so the family became very VERY disjointed and weird. 

  good luck, i'm sorry i don't know what to suggest except to perhaps seek some close friends or a counsellor yourself to express the stuff inside you and get some reassurance and a listening ear.  You will need it.

  shekinah.

• EvilTwin said on Dec 14, 2006....

  Thank you both.  I appreciate it...
   
  I've looked up support groups, but have not found any locally.  But my friends are there for me.  I am very grateful for that.
   
  Just have to take things one day at a time...

• the_infernal_optimist said on Dec 14, 2006....

  You are her husband; that does not make you qualified or obligated to be her redeemer. That's too heavy a thing to ask of anyone, save for perhaps a qualified therapist, and even then there aren't any guarantees.
  
  It's not your fault, and not your job to "fix" her. My aunt is bipolar and my mom is manic-depressive, so I have a bit of experience with the horrendous lows and lashing out that can occur when someone is just sitting at the bottom like that.
  
  Of course you don't always want to help. It's draining, and there is only so much one person can reasonably take. Over time, you get stretched thin and brittle, and self-preservation argues against trying to help one more time...and then one more...
  
  One day at a time, yes. And plenty of ((hugs)) whenever you need them.
  

• mom said on Dec 14, 2006....

  I want to say that I am bi-polar. When it first came on strong was in 1981.  I did't know what was happening, I thought I was going crazy.  I couldn't stop crying.  I knew there was something wrong but didn't know what.  I would go into panic attacks and had horrible insecurities, your wife sounds like the way I was.  I was also married to a man that was not as compassionate as you.  He was the type of person that had to have everything perfect because then people were in awe of him.  Ihad no support fromhim at all.  I went to a neurosurgeon that told me what was wrong and what caused it.  Just knowing what was wrong was a relief.  I got put on medication and continued to get stabilized. My marriage fell apart as I was an embarrassment to my husband.  There are counselors out there that can help.  Is she on medication?  If she is and still suffering then maybe her meds need to be changed.  I have been on so many different ones.  I think you need counselng also just to help you cope.  I want to say  that this is none of you fault.  Do not take what she says as truth, she is lashing out because she is suffering.  I always felt like I wanted to scream.  You' re doing alot and you need to step back and breathe.  You are in a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.  You have to take care of yourself also.  She is the way she is. When someone suffers from clinical depression then everyone suffers.
  I want to ask something that might be personal and you don't have to answer.  Has she had anything traumatic happen in her life such as a molestation when she was a child or any form of abuse?
  There are people on here that have the same thing.  Maybe she would like to come on here and talk about what she feels and things.  People will help her.

• GroundedMystic said on Dec 14, 2006....

  Ok I'm not familiar with bipolar but I spent 2 years majorly depressed, to the point of seriously considering suicide and performing self harm, and I will tell you this. When I was in that state there was absolutely nothing anyone else could say or do that would make me feel better. No matter what was said or how it was intended I would always lash out in anger justifying why I feel the way I do. Depression isn't a logical problem.

  In the end I was the only one who could help me and it took me to find a therapist and move through it. I would recommend that in those moments you allow your wife to be as she is and just take care of you instead. You have a life too and it isn't your job to fix her. Be kind and supportive, that's a lovely thing, but don't forget to look after you otherwise resentment will creep in.

   

• Mamie said on Dec 14, 2006....

  hey ET, I have nothing to offer but a shoulder...I can feel tha t  you feel sorta stuck. This must be so hard to deal with and I wish you some peace on this day...mamie

• pookie said on Dec 14, 2006....

  Wow. thats excatly what I live with but its my husband, and his lows are so bad that he wants to blow everything up.

• secretlife said on Dec 14, 2006....

  ET:  I know how you can get worn out to the point where you question whether you really want to stick around.  And how just that admission can make you feel like a complete monster.
   
  But Infernal is right.  You cannot be her savior.  She has to get some professional help and work through these things...find the right drugs...
   
  I'm so sorry for all of your pain and echo mamie's wish for peace.

• Alyss said on Dec 15, 2006....

  You are far from being a monster and I can say that with certainty.
  

• MissMimi said on Dec 15, 2006....

  ET, you sound like a caring husband who is exhausted from being a caretaker. You don't sound like a monster at all. You just sound tired and frustrated.
  I'm sorry this is so hard for you. I wish you well.

• missb said on Dec 15, 2006....

  ET,
  You sound like a good man. You're not a monster, that's one thing you need to know for sure. I have no experience with bp but my bf's dad was manic-depressive. My bf is also prone to it, i think. But you've handled it well with your wife. [hugz] Hope it'll pass soon.
  Cheers!

• dailyachesandpains said on Dec 15, 2006....

  ET,
  I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder 2/non depressive.  I still haven't had that reconfirmed, I am still looking for another doctor.  It's a long story, but I posted about it.
  
  My Husband, I feel SO badly for him.  He has always been there for me and took me the way I was.  I am so greatful for him and I always let him know that, and he knows.  I can't help but wonder if your wife is feeling guilty that you ARE there for her like nobody else could be?  It's hard to explain and I don't know if I even wrote that correctly. 
  
  Do you know if your wife has her "episodes" more around her monthly cycle?  One of my Sisters did and she was diagnosed with PMDD and was put on Prozac along with "the pill" and has been fine with her mood swings for 2 years now. 
  
  Another thing I would like to say is that I've got horrible anxiety/panic issues along with OCD.  Imagine being the Husband to all of that too?  I would make sure that your wife is on her medications (if she's even taking any) because people like us think we're better and often just stop the meds, when we shouldn't.  I've done it once and I will never do it again without the help of a medical doctor.  I was in a massive state of depression, I didn't even realize it.  I do not want to be on my current medications, but have recently come to terms with the fact that I can't live without them. 
  
  {{{Hugs}}}
  Daily
  
  
  

• gingersoul said on Dec 15, 2006....

  ET....you are not a monster.......you are just doing what you can do.

  Her mental status s is intertwined with other issue within your marriage and so everything is extremely complicated and highlighted.

  I have been in post partum depression for almost one year. There was nothing my husband could say or do that would make me feel better. Nor that he didnt try....but then, nor that he put some real effort on it: he was busy with work, our financial problems

  But i was so miserable i didnt want to get out of the house, change my clothes, even have sex. I had been ablet to keep it together only because of my baby.

  Depression is a horrible monster. Not you.

  You have been worrying for her for so long time...that constant worry would worn out anybody....take care...

• EvilTwin said on Dec 15, 2006....

  Thank you all for the kind words.  I am tired and frustrated.  And a lot of it has to do with the state of my marriage.  Of course, a lot of the problems with that are associated with this, so it's somewhat of a vicious cycle...
   
  ***
   
  daily...  My deepest sympathies for you and your husband.  I'm not feeling guilty because I don't believe anyone else would care for her.  I'm feeling guilty because I am finding it harder and harder to continue caring.  There is a lot more to my homelife than this, and her episodes only seem to make things worse... 
   
  She has anxiety/panic attacks, and is a manic depressive.  And on top of that, she has some other physical issues.  The medication she receives for her one condition somewhat eliminates her monthly cycle, however.  That's not to say she doesn't have one, but it isn't as bad as it used to be when she was hospitalised monthly for the pain associated with it.  She still has PMS (trust me) but no, in this instance I don't believe it's due to her cycle.  Wrong timing...
   
  She is on her medications currently.  But because she builds tolerance to them so quickly, she has to go off of it every so often to clear it out of her system before resuming.  She's been on a variety of different meds, but this process seems to be the best so far.  And that's saying something...

• dailyachesandpains said on Dec 15, 2006....

  Awe, ET...I am so sad for your situation. 
   
  Have you both gone to a counselor, together or apart?  I know that doesn't work all the time, but it's worth a shot. I give you all the credit in the world for being there, even if you can't be forever (should you choose to leave).  There should be support groups for people that are married to, or are children of, people with bipolar. 
   
  Does she feel guilty for all that you do?  I may have read it wrong before, or typed it wrong.  Sorry about that.
   
  My current medications have been the best I've been on in ten years...that's if I had to pick my favorite.  I really do not like them.  I've been on a new one, Cymbalta, that's been really good so far.  I'm still bad with my panic/anxiety, but not as bad as I was a year ago.  With that I take Ativan and Valume.  I take those two as needed so I don't grow a tolerance.
   
  Keep writing, let it all out!
  {{{hugs}}}
  Daily

• EvilTwin said on Dec 19, 2006....

  Sorry to get back to you so late daily...  I was not ignoring you.  Wasn't a great weekend (had a migraine building up). 
   
  I am more than willing to try counseling, but my wife is totally against it.  She doesn't like doctors and tends to lump counsellors into the same category.  And I think it is a control issue thing where she doesn't like having anyone telling her what to do.   
   
  As for whether she feels guilty or not?  I honestly don't know.  She won't talk about it.  Some days it's like pulling teeth just to get something out of her. 
   
  She's taken Lorazepam, but built up tolerance quickly to it.   I don't think she should have been on it for any duration, however.  She's been on dozens of various meds including Xanax, Prozac, Paxil, Valium, and Amitril.  She is currently on a rotation of Zoloft.  Several months on, one month off to clear her system.  This has seemed to be the most effective so far, but that's not saying much...
   
  ***
   
  On a tangent, last night she had a fit because she misplaced money we had set aside for our nieces and nephews for Christmas.  We were going to give them cash (as they all requested) so they could buy their own things.  Apparently, the envelope with all the money in it must've been trown out by accident with all the scraps of giftwrapping and whatnot.  One hundred dollars gone just like that... 
   
  And she kept berating herself all night and snapping at me.  It almost seemed like she wanted me to yell at her about it (which I couldn't/wouldn't do).  I am upset about the lost money, but things like this can happen.  It's not like we can afford to simply throw away a hundred dollars, but there's nothing I can do about it after tearing the house apart just to make sure it wasn't mislaid somewhere.
   
  Ended up going to the bank to withdraw more money to use.  Nothing else to do for it.
   
  Wasn't fun trying to calm her last night after that...

• husbandhater said on Dec 19, 2006....

  Evil Twin I kinda know what ur going through because some days I am ur wife. Some days all u want is a little love, affection and a little understaning.

  And some days there is nothing your spouse can do to comfort you. WHY? Because some days the pain is older and deeper than U,children, and anytihng current. Evil seek counsiling for u and then attempt to incorporate her. Perhaps if she sees' u going the extra mile for ur marriage she'll be incouraged to seek help 4 herself.

  I haven't sought help yet because I'm scared. But sometimes the mood swings scare me. It's like ur in ur body but u can't control whats going on.

  like ur viewing it as a third person. Its not that she doesn't love u. Its just that u tend to hurt the ones u love because they are there. Get her some Lythuim.

• dailyachesandpains said on Dec 20, 2006....

  ET,
  I know you weren't ignoring me :-)  Sorry about the weekend. 
   
  I am almost completely opposite of your wife.  I put myself in counseling.  I knew 10 years ago that I had to go.  Maybe you can go on your own...just talk to someone that can help you understand her, and guide you through this?  I've never liked people telling me what to do either.  My shrink is mostly there to listen and he'll only give his two cents every now and then.  There are times when I want him to tell me what to do though and he will say "I'm not going to tell you what to do, but here's how I would personally go about this..." and him saying that is rare. 
   
  I think she feels guilty putting you through this.  I wonder if she isn't thinking "He can be so much happier with someone else, I'll just drive him away."
   
  The only one I haven't been on that she's been on is the Amitril.  I hear more often these days that it can take years for doctors to find the right combination.  I think I'm living proof of that :-/
   
  Ouch!  Sorry about the money!  It's an expensive, but understandable, mistake.  What does her family say about her?  Does she talk to them about anything?  If she has siblings, I would imagine they know her best and could maybe help you out in understanding her being "like this" a little more? 
   
  I am hugging you right now!  {{{hugs}}}  If I can ever help you understand this a little more, I will try my best.  I am at a point now that I blow up, post about it and then laugh at myself.  My Husband has said that he's noticed a difference in me since I've been blogging. Maybe you could convince her to write out her feelings??  If you want to email me, my email is my soulcast user name at gmail.com
   
  Sorry to have to cut it on the short side, but my OCD is kicking in and I have to do a few things before noon or my day will be contaminated.  <laughing at myself>
   
  {{{hugs}}}
  Daily

• openclose said on Feb 27, 2007....

  I realize I am a bit late coming in on this conversation.  I have Bipolar Disorder myself.  I was diagnosed in the fall of 2006.  My ex is being very supportive of me.  We are in fact trying to rebuild our relationship.  He has told me that sometimes it is very difficult to deal with me.  We found a group in our town.  We both go to the support meetings.  There is one for the families and another for the people with the illness.  It has helped him immensely.  I know it has helped me also.  You can check it out online  www.NAMI.org  .  See if they have a support group in your town.

• EvilTwin said on Feb 28, 2007....

  Thank you openclose.  I appreciate your post, and the link you provided. 
   
  As I have mentioned in other posts, my wife is not interested in going to any kind of therapy, support group, or whatnot.  But I really do appreciate it...

• openclose said on Feb 28, 2007....

  You're welcome.  Have you considered going yourself?

• EvilTwin said on Mar 02, 2007....

  I have considered it, openclose.  I have looked for groups, too.  She doesn't want me to go.  She's told me it would feel like I am talking about her behind her back (how ironic I post all this here...). 
   
  And I am afraid that it may be far too late to even try now...

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