• stark said on Jun 27, 2006....

  why does she threaten you?

• hunter_boyce_chandler said on Jun 27, 2006....

  As a very protective father I have found the most difficult thing in my life is having to let my children go. It is very painful. Just tell her you love her and that you will be alright. Tell her that you will keep in touch as much as you can. The most loving thing you can do as a child is to understand.

• allaroundgirl said on Jun 27, 2006....

  I think you should talk to your mother. Approach her with a different angle, don't begin by saying you will be moving in with your boyfriend. Ease her into that, first tell her about the job opportunities and all the benefits they would bring to all of you. Parents usually want their kids to be happy, they just tend to be afraid of change. Chances are there are underlying issues to her wanting to keep you there. Just be honest with her and try to understand her fears while letting her know that this is an opportunity you have to take.

• RParr said on Jun 27, 2006....

  I graduated last month with a journalism degree. Where is this hotbed of writing jobs you speak of?

• Marie-Jane said on Jun 28, 2006....

  i'd move...unfortunatly for your mother you have to be happy!!! I beleive you won't regret it!!

• starlightstarbright said on Jun 28, 2006....

  RParr, actually the hotbed of journalism jobs is scattered throughout the country. New York and California seem to have a lot right now. Hope this helps. Of course, getting established in this field isn't an easy thing. I graduated in 04 and have had lots of experience, but still my area is practically void of journalism jobs.

• anonymous said on Jun 28, 2006....

  hi, starlightstarbright, was that you who said that you are struggling between stay or move because your father has cancer? Then now you say you want to move because of the career? Those stories are real about you or just make-up? I got lost...

• lidstrom82 said on Jun 28, 2006....

  If you feel you have to choose between your career/bf and your family, it's because your mother has made it that way. She's given you no other option. What you might do is agree to stay for a certian period of time, and move out at a determined date. Then when the usual guilt trips come, remember you'd rather make your own choice than be manipulated by your own mother. What you might also do is to move, but to commit to visiting home every other weekend, or any time your dad's condition worsens. You have to live your own life, and I know you're fighting yeras of guilt, but if ever there was a time to break free, now is the time to do it. We're given crossroads in life to make a choice, and living under guilt handicaps us from the joys of life. One interesting thought that just occurred to me: after living with your family and catering to them, it might be best to get your own place and be independent, rather than moving in with your boyfriend/soon to be husband. I say this because you can operate on your own and get on your own two feet and not have to cater to the needs of others. It also helps you gain and shape your identity more. On the other hand, if you moved in with you bf from your parents' house, you might be carrying lots of bad habits from growing up on a constant guilt trip. Living on your own also gives you space because you'd see your bf during free time and possibly at work; some space is good so you both grow individually - that way you both have lots to bring into the relationship to make it grow.

• 24th_xplo3 said on Jun 28, 2006....

  Therapists call this the "Empty Nest" phenomenon. Although contemporary Western culture lacks a ritual to mark the event, for families it is a true rite of passage. A child's departure for an independent life sometimes leads parents to criticize their own parenting skills, Kennedy says: "Nobody does a perfect job of parenting, so there's grief about that. You don't get another chance. But the fact is, you've prepared your kids as best you can, and it's time now to let them go." Parents must search for new meaning in life beyond childrearing. More unexpectedly, a child's departure can also catapult the health of the parents' marital partnership into the glaring spotlight. I quoted that from one website who offers "grief counselling" services for mothers. A parent will naturally feel loss if he/she did not prepared his/her mind in the reality that somehow at some point kids will have their own independence. As a Filipino we even have this culture where a adults share the house with their parents, brothers, sisters and other relatives. Its like extending the family. I think that it is just rightful that you asert yourself in a way that will not hurt your mother. Technically, she will be since even now that you havent moved in yet she tells you all of those insinuating courses of action. That is a sign of grief slowly taking its toll. The peak is of course will be the day you leave. Whatever it is that she is going through right now, talk it over. Open the subject up to her and tell her that by her way of telling you what she'll do once your out, is actually telling you not to leave. She just needs assurance that you will still be her daughter. Parents will miss their kids once they were gone. I am sure that we will all go through that phase of life. But the fact remains the same independence and individuality should be respected by everyone. I hope you got something from the quote above. Good luck!

• starlightstarbright said on Jun 28, 2006....

  anonymous, yes it was me who said I am struggling with the decision to move, because my father has cancer. In theory, I'd be making more money if I took a job down there, so I could send money home. Technically, I'd be helping out more than anything; I just wouldn't be home during the week. So, really, the issue now is happiness. I feel that I'm cheating myself by staying here to make everyone else happy, but at the same time, I don't want my family to disown me. Everyone has the right to be happy. Right?

• fizzlesprettycoke said on Jun 29, 2006....

  starlightstarbright---You have to live your own life! Yeah your father has cancer, and it's tragic but you also have your own life and your own problems to deal with--and unfortunately for life--you can't always be at different places at the same time-nor can-YOU PLEASE EVERYONE. You mentioned that when you stay with your family-you feel cheated on---so my question is to you--- "What Authentic Value--whether it's time, care, money--will you be providing towards your father and his illness while staying at home?" and vice versa--being on your own--making money? After you compare and contrast the two decide what scenerio would benefit YOU better--whether financially or emotionally. It sounds to me that you and your family are in false pretense by thinking that you staying home physically will bring about help and support--but this isn't the case cause your mind isn't even there--your mind is in your dream so it doesn't make any sense being there if YOU'RE not 110% there. Wouldn't you and your father be better off if you could go out and work and bring something SOLID as opposed to something that's not really there? Girl, Seize the Opportunity--go out there and get you your dream job! Your father will be alright---he's got your mother's support--he's more than okay and plus--this is what your family has strived for and worked for years---their children's lives and happiness. Do what YOU have to do with YOUR life and you'll see that Once you're able to help yourself--THEN will you be bountiful in help towards your family and loved ones.

• kewpie said on Jun 30, 2006....

  You have to do what you want to do, not what your parents or your boyfriend want. If you start now doing things to please your boyfriend, you are going to fall into a pattern of always needing to please the men in your life. You may already be in that place. When I was a young girl and I would get a crush on a guy, I would totally immerse myself in whatever his hobby was. I became a magician's assistant at one point. I was with that guy for seven years and I submitted myself to beheadings, being sawed in half, etc. Sure it was fun, but think of the psychological implications. That was my first serious relationship. It seemed ok to let all that stuff happen because it didn't really hurt me, did it? The next serious relationship in my life was with a musician. I travelled around the area with him singing while he played the guitar. His eyes always followed the women and of course he had to be very social. I just accepted it. It seemed ok as long as in the end his eyes were on me...or were they? Well, obviously not. He "proposed" to me...asked me to live with him. He told me someday I would wear his grandmothers diamond. I immersed myself in his music. Meanwhile my parents were watching all this, trying to do all they could to keep me their little girl. If I was going to what pleased them, then I certainly wouldn't be following showbiz guys all over the country OR living with them!! Mother does know best, according to the saying, and sure enough Mr. Music turned his eyes permanently elsewhere and all his passions as well, leaving me high and dry. When I finally did decide to move out on my own again and be with someone special, I thought for sure it was the final real thing. I had a wedding ring, Mom and Dad were happy. We had babies. We stayed married for fifteen years. What nobody told me is that while I was pretending to be happy helping him fulfill his lifelong dream of running his own business, Mr. Right was totally using my business training, while fully expecting me to take full time charge of the office, as well as the household and the children. I thought the relationship was fading due to my over busy-ness. What was really happening was that my husband was totally taking advantage of my wonderful accepting nature to work weekends and evenings.....but it wasn't for quite some time that I found out what he was really working on. Strike three, you're out. See, it wasn't physical abuse so I thought he wasn't really hurting me...so it was ok, wasn't it? Listen to your own heart. It took me a couple years of intense therapy to get it right. Now I am married to a man who accepts me and my dreams and lets me be me... Just because you don't see wounds on the outside, doesn't mean the people you're allowing to run your life, aren't hurting you.

• starlightstarbright said on Jul 03, 2006....

  kepie, I feel sorry for all the pain you have endured. In fact, I can actually relate to it. I am divorced as well. He was emotionally and physically abusive, and the marriage only lasted a few short months, because of it. I did lose myself, trying to get involved in all of my ex-husband's hobbies and interests, but I realize now that that is not what makes a good relationship. Now I have been dating the most wonderful, accepting man I have ever met. We met online six months ago, and lives in a nearby state. He doesn't push me to do anything I don't want to do, and he certainly doesn't take me for granted. We have talked about marriage, and I know in my heart of hearts that he is my soulmate. We both have our own interests, and we encourage each other to follow our own dreams. It is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced. He is truly my best friend, and I can tell him anything. So, I can relate to your experience, and I feel fortunate to have found that love I have always searched for. And I'm glad you did, too.

• Kraven said on Jul 04, 2006....

  You are under no obligation to live your life the way your mom believes you should. That goes for your boyfriend too. That is called control. You have every right to live your life according to your dreams and aspirations. That is freedom. Some choices you make will be flawed but you are making your own choices and not someone else for you. All choices you make, even when flawed, will chisel you into the person you continue to become. Look at this time as a turning point and something new is about to take shape in your life. Embrace this time. Learning to look at life with a sense of adventure and wonder will be the spice that motivates you. Your scream for help will not be answered by anyone. Someone can offer their viewpoint but the answer is within you. “In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." --Theodore Roosevelt, 26th president of the United States

• Sista_N_Tha_Lord said on Jul 23, 2006....

  I am a walking testimony as well, to the fact that you have to consider your wants before the wants of others at times. I understand the desire to want to please others that you love, but creating boundaries is a good thing. Its actually the healthiest was to start or maintain relationships. It helps defer others from superimposing their unfulfilled dreams on your life. What do you want to live for? Your aspirations or others? One day you WILL wake up in the bed with the man you sacrificed your dreams for, or still be home, working a mediocre job to stay in the area with your mother and feel an incompleteness in life that you dont deserve. You got your college degree? Who did that? YOU. Finish what YOU started. Your life. They'll get over it. We live in a wonderful age of technology-email, telephones with unlimited long distance, cell phones, priority mail and mass transportation. Like the old saying goes: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." May God bless you with success.

• princesse_ingenieure said on Jul 23, 2006....

  why is your mother being like that? she must not be in favor of your boyfriend. well, i think you should move if you are marrying the guy already. not now. it's shaky ground. it would be better if you separate the boyfriend factor and then decide if you still want to move there, with or without him. that would kinda define your individuality.

• mr.akin said on Jul 25, 2006....

  TRULY. Move - go for it. LIVE A LIFE WITH NO REGRETS & enjoy the consequences of your actions. All mothers handicap their children in an effort to keep the nest inhabitted. But you have to live the life that YOU lay out. If you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

• starlightstarbright said on Jul 25, 2006....

  You are right. It's been a while since I started this post, and in the meantime, I have already made plans to move as of next week. It was the hardest decision of my life, because so many people imposed their own ideals on me, not for my benefit, but for their own. But it came to a point where I had to say, "Enough is enough." I have to live my life for me and my happiness, and that means leaving to be with my boyfriend. No one else is going to make you happy in life. So you have to step up and find happiness for yourself. Thanks guys!

• vini said on Aug 01, 2006....

  its all very clear..u just have 2 options: *stay wid ur mom in ur town doing nothing *stay wid ur boyfriend and do the job of ur dreams something might workout if u can integrate both of these two paths in front of you. In any case u need to convince ur mom and make her understand the importance of "standing on ur feet"..if she fails to give in and accept, there is no use wasting ur time on ur mom who's possibly not concerned or will not understand or if she does, then well& good..move in with ur guy. i also reckon that ur mom must be feeling insecure living on her own, so if possible tuck her along to ur new place. all the best!

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