My therapist told me something I didn't really believe yesterday. She said that a week from now I would probably feel 50% better then I do right now. I find it very hard to believe that in a week thinking about all the little things we did will not make me cry. It's even worse because I know he doesn't care. She also illustrated that I went all in, I didn't have anything protecting myself... he had infinite power to hurt me, but he went in about... a fifth of the way. So now it even sucks more that he doesn't hurt as much as I do. I am just starting to not be able to believe how stupid I was. How much of his bullshit I just believed. Whenever he knew i'd be mad he would say things like me missed me or use the word "baby" Whenever I went to look for another relationship with another boy he would tell me how it made him feel bad... all the while, he's seeing his ex again? There was no point in which I was allowed to be happy in the situation, and I just didn't care. I was listening to Tina Turner this morning on my way to school (because like, what else do you listen to in a break up???) and one of her songs says,

"Said you were missing me now, but the truth is I knew you were lying, you were using me time after time"

Thats frighteningly close to how I feel. Since he brought up the Jewish thing, its like, so realistically you never wanted to be with me be with me, you just wanted to be able to fuck me be with me. God forbid things get complicated you should just cut and run. This is so eternally not fair. I do think i'm starting to learn how to accept it, and move on, but whenever something reminds me of him, or us, or things we used to do, I can't think about anything else. Like if I drive by a laundry mat, or see a white car, or drive by the Tal Aviv (which is, you know, every morning of the week).

So I try to think about how many boys wish I felt this way about them, remember that he was hideous (1.618? Dont think his body heard of that, like, ever), that my dad never liked him and I can do a lot better. I wish I could just follow what my parents say in the begining, because they're always right in the end... but my dad told me you cant choose who you have feelings for, and I think thats true. I just wish I could choose to not pursue my feelings... but I can't, because what if I miss out on something really special?

So Matt kind of in a round about way helped me with my financing homework today, because I needed to like, have the make/model of a car..... and then I had to have a partner to make living habits rules and such..... so that was fun. We got off topic a lot which was nice, kind of how I wanted it to go. The questions offered a nice direction if we ever had one of those silent moments... 'till the homework was done. Then I didn't know what to do... Karl kept sending me "your cute" messages that I had to giggle at. I found out a little more about him... and that was fun.



He's a very good safe choice, but we haven't really made physical contact since Saturday... I don't know how to initiate it! I mean, he knows I was a little tipsy so what if he thinks it was just because? Or like, I don't know, I don't like kissing in public, but going for my hand couldn't kill, but maybe he thinks I don't want him to... but thats stupid... I dunno... what do you think?