• silverwhisper said on Dec 04, 2006....

  stupid questions: does he treat you well? does he respect you?
  
  ed

• missb said on Dec 04, 2006....

  Ed,
  
  He does... he does treat me well. [sobs]
  
  Cheers :)

• silverwhisper said on Dec 04, 2006....

  i'm confuzzled: why is distance an issue b/n you two?
  
  ed

• Lioness said on Dec 04, 2006....

  missb, differences are part of life, you said "love is unconditional".. then distance and differences should not hamper your love from prospering.

• yani said on Dec 04, 2006....

  Three years of being "together" is such a long time to just throw away. I wish you don't have to do that. You said he treats you well, so what's the problem? You say you love him and he loves you, so what's the problem? If you so love each other then, why say goodbye? I wish you don't have to say goodbye. I hope everthing turns out right. <>

• sunsethue said on Dec 04, 2006....

  hey friend... i dunno if you'll accept what i am about to write but at one point in my life when i thought and felt that my hubby doesn't love me anymore i gave in to the idea that it's all over... and i had to learn how to let go... but somehow love never went away in my heart... i still loved him even if he didn't anymore... but then, life proved me wrong... love found a way... and now we are happily back together in each other's embrace... i dunno what to say to you... i really don't know your situation... but i sympathize... i somehow know how that hurts... all i can do is give you a virtual hug... hope it helps... i'll also include you in my prayers... huggles.

• musicallyinclined said on Dec 05, 2006....

  try not to factor in the time you've already put into the relationship. it's not about it being an "investment." it's about whether or not you are happy right now, in this moment. if it's 5 months or 5 years...are you happy? can you shoot for the stars, achieve the goals you want, and have security knowing he is doing the same, with you two being happy for each other in the process? i think love is a major factor in any relationship working out. if both people care enough, and want it badly enough, then they'll find a way to make it work. but both people have to want it equally. it seems like you want it still... what does he want?

• Frlncwrtr said on Dec 05, 2006....

  missb: The impression that I get from your post is that you really think that you did love him a lot!  By your own admission love has been an intangible thing for you, one you could never comprehend.  So, how can you say that you really do love him, and he loves you?

  I realize that you want to stay and continue, but at the same time I think you feel for some reason that he does not. My feeling is that you feel that he is going to walk away from you even though you do not want him to.

  He wants certain things and you want certain other things. You and he cannot come to agreement on this subject, and you believe that it is drawing the two of you apart to the point that it, combined with the distance, is going to destroy you. You said this yourself, "the distance and dreams have been keeping us apart."

  You say that your love for him has been deteriorating over the last 5 days, and that you have been preparing to leave him for the last 5 days. If you really loved him your love for him would not deteriorate in only 5 days.

  Love for you has to be unconditional. He does not love you unconditionally. After 3 years, you know this, and therefore you have been preparing to leave.

  You ask, "Should I walk away? He loves me. I love him."

  I say you should walk away because you know the love that is necessary to continue this relationship is not there for you or for him.  You are only holding onto a 3-year investment.

  You asked for opinions and you got it (as unpleasant as it may be). I’ll give it to you straight – I think that you need to give up on the 3-year investment, cut your losses, and move on.

  Whatever you decide, I wish you the best of luck!
  
  

   

   

• GroundedMystic said on Dec 05, 2006....

  Missb have you been living my life? I was with my ex-fiance for exactly 3 years when I broke it off. The relationship was el-crappo from the start but I felt so strongly connected to him that I couldn't let go and told myself it was love. For me it was 3 years of lonely nights, tears and experiencing the exact opposite of what I wanted. I was desperate to stay but in the end the truth won. I had to admit this relationship was crap and making my unhappy. I had to leave if nothing else just for my own sanity. It was hard but strangely once it was done there weren't any tears. I'd been grieving the loss of the relationship for the whole time I was with him so all I felt was relief that I had finally set myself free. Do what you have to in order for you to be happy.

• queenparanoia said on Dec 05, 2006....

  dear, the only you thing you could do is to let go. you'll never know but maybe someone better will come along. hope you the best.

• secretlife said on Dec 05, 2006....

  {{{hugs}}} miss b. I feel you aren't happy. Sometimes even though you love someone, it isn't the right love forever. Letting go is very hard. Only you can decide.

• danetteb said on Dec 05, 2006....

  Whatever you decide, I hope that it brings you happiness.
  
  Love isn't something we can easily give advice on. There pretty much isn't a right and a wrong either, just different consequences.
  
  I once nearly lost my bf due to some stupid choices I made, so think carefully about what you want, and what you need.
  
  If you really believe that its the end of the road for the two of you, you better give it all up at once. There's no letting go of bits and pieces. Yes the memories will come flooding back at times, but you gotta make a decision to move on.
  
  Good luck!

• johnzz said on Dec 05, 2006....

  let the matter go,oklife is calling you where are u?

• missb said on Dec 05, 2006....

  Ed,
  
  I'm in a long distance relationship. He's scottish but now he is in taiwan.
  
  Lioness,
  
  You're right. The reason why we're still together despite the distance and differences after all this time is because we love each other. They haven't really hampered our love.
  
  Yani,
  
  Yes, it is a long time. It's just that everything is so complicated in our relationship. Nothing is ever easy. He treats me well and we do love each other, but we can never really talk about the future because it's still so very uncertain. I also wish that we don't have to say goodbye. Thank you all....

• johnzz said on Dec 05, 2006....

  sdfgah

• silverwhisper said on Dec 05, 2006....

  miss b: dear god...tai-freaking-wan?! isn't this the same guy that couldn't be bothered to call you when he said he would?
  
  ed

• missb said on Dec 05, 2006....

  Sunsethue,
  
  I'm glad your love found a way. I also believe that. With my bf, i know that he still loves me. The problem is what's next. We have different dreams. Thanks for the hugs, dear [hugs you back]
  
  Musicallyinclined,
  
  I agree that time can't measure happiness. But the thing is, it's not that i'm happy. I am happy. Although being far away from each other has its downside. We both care enough and want it to work badly, that's why we're still in it after over 3 years of mostly long distance relationship. I still want to go on, and i know he does too. But it's just that he's in a bad state right now and he's depressed and we argue a lot lately. Thanks for stopping by.
  
  Frlncwrtr,
  
  I do love him. But sometimes I question what love is. Even if I didn't know what love's supposed to feel like, i can feel it when I'm loved. He loves me very much, that i know for sure. I do still want to continue, and he does too. It's just the last time we talked we argued and I told him i'll be walking away and that's the last time we talked. It's been 6 days now and I feel something different. It's like my mind and heart are working on their own, preparing me to let go. My heart is opening up again to the "outside" world. It's hard for me to articulate. I still love him, it's not really gone and i know it's mutual. Thanks for the opinions, frlncwrtr. I really appreciated it :)

• missb said on Dec 05, 2006....

  Groundedmystic,
  
  I'm glad you walked away from your bad relationship. But with mine, it's actually good. It's been good from the start. Of course we argue and all, that happens to everyone. But apart from that and the distance, i can say that we both are happy. Well maybe i'm actually happier than him cause i can be a bitch at times :/ Thanks for stopping by.
  
  Queenparanoia,
  
  I'm still thinking about whether i should walk away or not. My heart is not ready yet. Thanks for stopping by.
  
  secretlife,
  
  Thanks dear [hugs back] I agree that sometimes only love is not enough.
  
  danetteb,
  
  Thank you. I know i should really think carefully about this. He is a good man and he loves me. Thanks for stopping by.
  
  Johnzz,
  
  Thanks. Where am I? Err...in indonesia?
  
  Ed,
  
  Yep...tai-freaking-wan :) Wait, what guy? which story? Sorry...I was drunk when i wrote that post last night :)
  
  Thank you all....can't thank you enough.
  
  Cheers!

• missb said on Dec 05, 2006....

  Guys,
  
  The post may have been a bit vague. I think i need to tell more about my relationship.
  
  I met my bf in taiwan when i was studying. We were physically together for about a year. After that we just visit each other, although it's mostly him visiting me. He is a good man and i know that he loves me very much. With me, i can be a bitch sometimes but I love him too. We both want the relationship to work bad enough that we continue even after we both went back home, me to indonesia and him to edinburgh.
  
  He's just graduated from university (he took 2 years off to study in taiwan) a couple of months ago and now he's in taiwan looking for a job (he graduated in chinese studies). He's very depressed at the moment cause he has only 2 months to find a job there and it's been over a month. I admit that sometimes i push him to the corner just when he needed me the most. Blame it on my hormones.
  
  Now, his passion is the far east. He loves the languages and he wants to live in asia. With me, I love the west and I plan to study again in the states. That's what i mean by we dream different dreams and want different things.
  
  So when we try and talk about the "future", it gets frustrating because it's so uncertain. With me studying again in the states means we're not gonna be "together" even after well over 3 years. However, I think it can still work. We just need patience. We both can still go and find our own dreams and in the end, we can decide where to settle, find a third country.
  
  I know that as a woman, i should just forget my own dreams and just follow him, but i can't. I don't want to do that. We both are entitled to pursue our dreams and neither one should stop another. So we're basically just strolling along and see where it leads us.
  
  I don't know. Everything is so complicated. Our relationship never gets easier. I'm confused. [sighs]
  
  Although when I start thinking with clear head, i now don't understand why we have to break up :/ I think maybe deep down I know that i haven't been treating him that well and that maybe now is a good time to set him free.
  
  OMG...i can see it now. The last argument was so stupid and silly to have us breaking up. As for the future, who knows. All i know is that we love each other and that should be enough for now, no? What do you think?
  
  I can't say thank you enough to all of you. You've been really helpful with your opinions and support. Now I know what it means to have a therapist. You guys are my therapist :)
  
  Cheers!

• Frlncwrtr said on Dec 05, 2006....

  You are welcome missb!

  It seems that nothing has changed since yesterday. 

  I hope this works out for you.

• dauntlessreign said on Dec 05, 2006....

  Wheew...kinda frustrating. You have your dreams before you even met him and so i guess it acceptable to pursue what you've always wanted. We only live once and we have to make it to the fullest. Who knows you might blame him one day because you let go of everything. On the other hand, leaving will be very hard. One way or another it's going to be painful , it's only who can weigh things out. Goodluck girl, you can make it.

• missb said on Dec 06, 2006....

  Frlncwrtr,
  
  Yes, nothing has changed yet. We still haven't talked. Thanks a lot :)
  
  dauntlessreign,
  
  Thanks dear :) It is a complex situation but i do hope that noone has to walk away. We've been through so much together and i just hope we'll make it. Thanks for stopping by. It's good to have you back ;)
  
  Cheers!

• PAPERBACKWRITER said on Dec 06, 2006....

  missb
  
  (hugs) coming back
  
  paper~
  

• nytquill17 said on Dec 06, 2006....

  Always late to the party, I am.
  
  My thought is: give up on the relationship only when there is a [major] problem - not when there might be one.  The future is always frightening to look in the eye, and nobody knows all their answers.  If you love him, and he loves you and treats you well, I think it's worth staying.  Cross that bridge when you get to it, as the saying goes.
  
  But if your heart is telling you something else - well, that's something only you can know and something that shouldn't be disregarded.  Take some time to really explore that, and hopefully you will be able to talk about it all together and face whatever comes as one.  That's what it's all about, isn't it? ;)
  
  Incidentally, I think your goal of self-knowledge is an admirable one.  Keep seeking to be your own therapist!  There are times it's good to have a second, outside opinion, but a lifelong quest to know yourself is one of the most rewarding things a person can ever do, and it makes the whole world make more sense, IMX.
  
  In any case, hang in there, keep pondering, and keep us posted.  I'll be thinking of you. :)
  

• missb said on Dec 07, 2006....

  Hey Nyt,
  It's good to see ya again! Thanks for stopping by :)
  
  I agree with everything you said. We shouldn't quit because there might be problems. I actually talked to him today. We both don't wanna break up. He told me he loves me more than ever, so that's relieving :) Thanks for the advice, dear. I hope you are well. [hugz]
  
  Cheers ;)

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