It’s been a while since I posted about my personal situation and whilst I am somewhat averse to washing my dirty linen in public I am aware that some of you might be wondering just WTF is going on in my life. I know I am!
I have been in weekly couple’s therapy with my husband for several weeks now and it’s proving to be extremely frustrating. I knew that it would be neither pleasant nor easy but I had to see if our relationship could be salvaged, hence my insistence on our attending.
Over the course of the weeks it’s become very clear to me that he and I haven’t been functioning properly or effectively as a couple for an extremely long time and that previously my job had kept me sufficiently challenged which helped me gloss over the rest.
I could rant vociferously about my husband’s intransigence and absolute blindness to the depths of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction. I could share that he doesn’t agree with my definition of what being in a trusting relationship is but won’t tell me his. I could tell you that he insists he has been happy with how our relationship has been but wants the same things I do without there being any evidence whatsoever to support his claims. I could share how according to him our absence of a sex life is entirely my fault and that he has never realised or cared that for me it has never been more than a physical act to please him with nothing given back, no reciprocity of affection or care, no thought for my pleasure or pain.
I could tell you that I have realised that he probably has never loved me like I have loved him, but what would that achieve? Nothing beyond souring our relationship further and no matter what decision I ultimately make for the sake of my children I must maintain a degree of decorum and maintain the détente.
And lest there be any confusion I have been totally honest about my own part in our arriving at this place. I have no difficulty listing my own faults and mistakes and accepting responsibility for decisions I have made that I ought to have chosen differently over. I am well aware of my own lack of assertiveness in not speaking up and just accepting the status quo. I am familiar with my own naivety and inexperience that helped us down this road and my own flaws and have been speaking up and accepting complaints about those in the sessions.
But for those who are curious enough to want to know I am slowly and reluctantly coming to the conclusion that our differences are irreconcilable and that makes me so very, very sad.
So I am being forced to face facts. I am a failure.
Alyss posted on Dec 04, 2006
| views: 1143
Comments
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silverwhisper said on Dec 04, 2006....
no alyss: you are not a failure. having some small familiarity w/ your situation, if any one person can be assigned blame for the state of your marriage, it definitely isn't you.
ed -
EvilTwin said on Dec 04, 2006....
[Hugs] I know you are sad, love. But be strong...
You are not a failure, Alyss. Definitely not. Please don't think of yourself as such. It doesn't do you any good to think that. Marriage takes two to make it work. One cannot take full responsibility for everything that happens. Trust me, I have learned this...
You deserve better. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You deserve so much more...
But you do not deserve to think of yourself as a failure for things you do not have total control over. I know what you are feeling. Please don't let it get to you. Don't let it drag you down.
It takes a lot to admit there is a problem. It takes even more to admit that you might've been able to change some things along the way. But you cannot take on everything. You can't make someone do something that they apparently unwilling or unable to do.
Be strong.
And remember, you are loved. And I am here to help if I can. All of your friends are here to help...
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Zayda said on Dec 04, 2006....
Alyss--I have read this a couple of times and started to comment each time only to find that I end up being blinded by the tears that well up in my eyes. For you see, your words echo in my head and and my heart.
I keep reading lines over and over knowing full well that I could have written them. In fact, I have written similar lines in another place in the not so distant past. And then I shredded the lines and boxed up my dreams and hopes. I reached the point where I gave up and I felt like a failure.
I find myself writing similar words even today. They bleed onto the paper and scream at me.
And I read yours, and I stop to think--"How. How did two such great women--because I think we are great (even if it's arrogant to think of myself as so)--end up at the point where we think we are failures?"
Well, we aren't failures. Ed and ET are right. It takes two to make a marriage work, to make that partnership be just that a partnership. And right now, I am so very tired--physically, emotionally, spiritually--and that tiredness makes me feel like a failure.
But deep down, Alyss, hun, neither of us are. We just need to be reminded of that and remind ourselves of that. So, I'll make you a deal. If you'll remind me occassionally, I'll keep reminding you too. -
Alyss said on Dec 04, 2006....
Zayda thank you. And yes I will remind you too, that's a deal. Thank you guys; your support means a lot to me. -
secretlife said on Dec 04, 2006....
Alyss: I have actually said the same thing about being a failure because of the state of my marriage and my own inability to 'fix' the problems....i didn't understand why the most basic concept of a marriage...the 'partnership' could have escaped me. I beat myself up over that failure for 10 years. probably more...
the thing is - marriages are made up of two people not just one. and relationships might fail, but that doesn't make the people in them failures. you only feel disappointed and sad....you feel hurt and rejected. you wonder what's so wrong with you that these things that seem so simple escape you.
The fact that the two of you are trying counseling says that you would like to make a go at changing. If he cannot change, then you must make a decision. If you decide the marriage is irrepairable.......then the marriage failed, but not you Alyss. You have not failed.
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Mamie said on Dec 04, 2006....
hi Alyss, I am sorry for your troubles...can you possibly consider that perhaps you gave all you had, he gave all he had and that your journey with him will now move on to allow another chapter in your life to unfold. ? I don't know too much about relationships but I did find some comfort in learning how to stand somewhere in the middle (rather than on the polar opposite sides) when reading Gary Zukav's "Seat of The Soul". Peace, sweet girl...and love to you, Mamie -
MissMimi said on Dec 04, 2006....
Alyss, you are not a failure. Your words could have come straight from my heart. For years I glossed over the fact that my marriage was in trouble. I could ignore it because I had childrearing to keep me busy. I never could find the courage to do anything about it, and I still don't know if I can.
But you are doing something about it. If you try and try and it still is broken, it's not you that's failed. Please please, don't waste years of your life waiting for it to get better. You deserve to be happy. I'm offering you my shoulder, should you need it. I've been there. I'm still there.
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copsunited said on Dec 04, 2006....
WHAT did I just read??? Hmm..a partnership..50/50 it goes south and it is YOUR fault. Hey, gimme and break here..give YOURSELF a break. It cannot be your fault 100%. Sorry Honey, it dont work that way.
C'mere..let me put my arms around you and give you a hug..cause that's the way I feel... luvs ya...JD...
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Jenna said on Dec 04, 2006....
Failure....tough word Alyss...it is not you. The marriage did not work. Was it a failure? Were there not some moments of happiness? Did you not share a sweet moment or two once upon a time? Did you not learn what you need and want out of life? A failure.. don't think so... neither you or the marriage. I understand you are in pain dear one... go easy on yourself.
You are a special lady my friend... not a failure!
love to you!
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Vericona said on Dec 04, 2006....
Alyss. No I cannot imagine a strong person like you assuming the role of a failure. Just not going to happen.
You have many friends here. Lean on them. They are there for you. And I am here too.
Connie
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gingersoul said on Dec 04, 2006....
Alyss........i could have written your words, one by one,
Its normal to feel like a failure when what you invested so much in had failedl.
But its a stage, though. A phase.Your counselor must have told you this. Mine told me this: you will fall, you will feel rejected or a failure depending by your position in the end of your marriage. I felt both, rejected pluy a failure.
I had for a long time the lowest levell of self esteem i ever had in my life.No matter how good i was handling that mess, inside i was always feeling simply put, a shit, an old shoe, somebody who didnt even see the signs, the clues, the red alerts but kept going like it was normal.
You will reach the next phase too. But you will do at your pace,as i had it with mine.
Its only temporary.I know this now. The world doesnt stop . You will not die. He will not die. Your kids will not die. Your questions will be answered, soon or later.
I cried all my tears. i still cry once in a while. I still miss the man i fell in love with, i still feel like he simply spit on me and replaced me. But its a feeling that comes and goes ....its not a heavy stone on my head as it was before...
It will go away this sour taste you have in your mouth now...Listen to ET, lean on your friends.
You have all my understanding and support. Hugs
Who leaves has a lighter step, believe me. Who is left, its damned for a longer time. But both at the end change.
You will change too. And you will be stronger. -
LadyGamer said on Dec 05, 2006....
Yes. You have failed at a team sport which you tried to play alone. There was never any other outcome possible dear. The moment you started you were heading for where you are. ONE person cannot make a marriage. You just can't. You can not. No matter how much it breaks your heart, no matter how often you look at your children and remind your self of what they would lose in a single parent home, you cannot by yourself, make a marriage work. But, darling, look at me. From failure, some pretty neat things can grow. You have a choice. To wallow in failure until it eats you alive. Or take the edges of your torn life and sew together something new and beautiful. -
GroundedMystic said on Dec 05, 2006....
Not a failure at all. This is the single most successful decision you've ever made. That the situation you are in is a dead loss as far as your happiness is concerned and that you are now going to do something about that. Congratulations. You sound like you're ready to experience a life less ordinary and this is your big chance to create that. I stayed in a totally crap relationship for the past 3 years trying to make it work. The day I gave up on the relationship with him was the day I started a much better relationship with me. I declared I wasn't going to settle for crap in life anymore and I felt very little grief and a whole pile of relief. I can understand you feeling sad right now but you're not grieving for him. You're grieving for the loss of your own dream and that passes far more quickly than you think. -
NotReallyAnonymousAJ said on Dec 05, 2006....
There's a difference between being a failure and being in a failing marriage. It's the latter with you. You've done everything you could to make it work, but there's nothing there. This is the first entry I've read about your marriage, but it seems to me that your husband (so-called) has probably never made love to you. Instead, he has simply masturbated and used you in much the way that he would use a blow-up doll or a sheep. Give him a blow-up doll as a going-away present, and get ready to start your new life. Hugs! AJ :-) -
hotaka said on Dec 05, 2006....
Hi Alyss. With apologies to all the kind folks above who left encouraging and consoling remarks I will comment on your post without reading any of the comments. I am also going to try to use HTML because I want my frickin' paragraph spacing.
I went through similar thing (sort of) many years ago with a real nutter of a girlfriend who tried to blame all the unhappiness in our relationship on my mother. This actually came out when we went to see a therapist together on her insistence. (It's usually the woman who initiates, isn't it?) What I learned was that we were very simply two different people who did not gel together. I also learned that because of hard times in her childhood after her father abandoned the family, she was basically taking her frustrations with him out on me. With her friends she was a perfectly normal woman. With me she was a neurotic bitch. I couldn't conclude that there was anything wrong with me (except that I was an idiot for believing things would work out between us for three years), and so I just decided for myself that some people don't work out together as a couple. I also learned later that people change; their views on life change; how they think, feel, and behave changes. Some couples manage to adjust together. For others things just can never be the same. Sometimes one person is beating his or her head against a wall while the other can't understand what the problem is because he or she thinks is alright and not the one with the problem.I don't know about your husband except for what I read here. He might be telling someone that he can't understand you anymore and doesn't know what you want. I think you are making it pretty bloody obvious but I am not he and I am also looking at it from your perspective and from the outside. In any case, I think you guys either need to find some common ground to stand on or some spark to re-ignite the love, or you just have to admit that you two are not the same anymore and the romantic and passionate side of your relationship, as well as the communicative side, is not what it used to be. Neither of you are bad or wrong, or a failure (Alyss [Hotaka waves finger of warning under Alyss's nose] tch, tch). And I know you have tried to fire things up again. But if he has lost hope then he will just make excuses for why things aren't working. It's a sad situation. But you can't blame yourself. There are many couples out there that have this situation. Heck, you can go to a blog site called Soulcast and you can read some people like JadeLondon and Creativewoman and you will see that their relationships with their husbands just ain't working out either.
I offer no solutions. But I pray for your happiness. And I hope the HTML I put in works.
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raft said on Dec 05, 2006....
Here I show up late. Sorry about that.
*You* are not a failure. Your marriage may be in tatters, but you aren't a failure. Those are two different things. It may not look like they are. May not feel like they are, but they are.
I've got an idea of how you feel. I've probably been there myself a few times: On one hand, seriously asking myself if there was anything left to salvage and on the other hand, still not being able to conceive of a life without that person at my side.
You may be a step or two further than that (or a whole furlough), but you can't equate your marriage to yourself. While those are meshed tightly, they are still different things.
You have my sympathy and my heartfelt support in whatever you choose to do next. -
hotaka said on Dec 06, 2006....
That was an admonishing finger. The word wouldn't come to me at the time. I have thought further about your situation and will be back with more comments after work. I realize my comments above seem a bit depressing. I just wanted you to realize you cannot blame yourself. That's like a person trying to build a house of cards in a room with the window open on a windy day calling himself a failure for not being able to succeed. -
hotaka said on Dec 06, 2006....
Now then, Alyss. Thinking about your trips to counselling, I had a few thoughts to add. You mentioned some of the comments your hubby voiced during your sessions. I don’t claim to be a psychologist but I wondered about a couple of things. First, he might be feeling that these trips to counselling are an attempt to prove that he has gone wrong somewhere and that your unhappiness is his fault. Some guys might view counselling as the wife’s attempt to get a professional nag to support her. Afraid that the counsellor might side with you, he tries to defend himself by coming up with the flimsy comments you wrote above. He doesn’t want to be blamed for the unhappy marriage. I think counselling works only if both parties are willing to listen to each other and both are interested in turning things around for the better. If one person has lost faith in the relationship or views the sessions as a kind of Spanish Inquisition then no amount of counselling is going to help the marriage.What I think you need to do is reach his heart, not his mind. Perhaps he feels he has failed you. Perhaps he doesn’t show interest I sex because he doesn’t want to feel he is not good enough. He refused your advances before perhaps because he felt pressure to satisfy you physically without thinking that simply making love to you would satisfy you emotionally. Under pressure from fear of failure and disappointing you he became frustrated and went out of the bedroom. You know, he may be hearing horror stories of some kind of demanding wife from a co-worker and fear the same may be happening at home. Or someone he confides in may be telling him to be wary of your actions.
So, I think that somehow you guys need to get in touch with each other’s hearts again. I don’t know how. And even if I did know how, I don’t know if it would work for the two of you. From the woman on SoulCast I am learning a lot about relationships and it is encouraging me to try harder and harder to keep my relationship going strong. I have learned that we need to think about each other a lot. We need to consider each other. By doing so, we learn to anticipate each other’s feelings and needs and we can better make each other happy. Being the best I can for my girl is one of my great pleasures. That means saying and doing the right things to make her feel special and happy. I wonder if there is some way you and your husband can get on that track again...
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soulreaver said on Dec 13, 2006....
you will be who you are now... a loser now, a loser tomorrow. -
LadyGamer said on Dec 13, 2006....
Well, isn't THAT a cheery note.
I prefer to believe that those of us who desire to change CAN change.
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Alyss said on Dec 14, 2006....
Thank you for all your comments. I have read them all and appreciate them all. I haven't been online here for a few days so this is my first chance to comment and even now my time is short.
Thank you hotaka for your thoughtful comments, I very much appreciate you taking the time to offer your thoughts. I wish he & I could somehow make that contact too but it does not seem to be happening for either of us and I don't know why. Still, I plod on and try to see my through it all and make sense of it all.
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EvilTwin said on Dec 14, 2006....
You are not a loser Alyss. I honestly believe that. -
CreativeWoman said on Dec 17, 2006....
Alyss,
I don't believe you are a loser in any way, shape or form. I walk in your shoes minus having children. I am living in a failing marriage that my other half is blind to. I want to make it work. I want to fix it. I can't seem to make a dent in the problems since he doesn't work at it with me. I do understand those feelings of failure that you have. I have them too.
You are not alone. I support whatever decision you make as long it makes you happy.
Hugs,
CW
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philosopher's_stone said on Jan 07, 2007....
Have you looked at it in a different point of view, like from your husband's? -
Alyss said on Jan 08, 2007....
Dear Philospher's_stone; Yes I have, which is why I am still here after all these years and months.
I have been putting myself in his shoes and trying to identify what things I do that could be changed to make him happier, the things that annoy him, the occasions when I might have snapped back at him in response to some sarcastic remark of his and I have done what I can to amend those behaviours in the hope that my efforts would inspire some attempt on his part to at least engage with me to discuss, but that has not been the case.
As you will no doubt have noticed i've not written much about anything for some time but perhaps if I repeat a comment that was made during our counselling sessions the week before Christmas you may get an insight into his mind, I know I did.
He said, "Don't expect me to make any changes, it's not going to happen. I am what I am and you will have to put up with it."
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