Another place, another lifetime," he says. And I echo his sentiment, although doing so seers my heart and my soul every time I hear those words and repeat them. Why I keep repeating them, I don't know, when what I really want to do is scream in frustration.
I'll keep those words in my head and heart for a long time. I know it's probably for the best, this denying ourselves and our love--well, we deny fulfilling it and the other needs and desires it brings, for we don't really deny that we are in love with one another. But we deny fulfilling our love because we don't want to hurt others, so we simply rip our own hearts apart. Oh, would it have been better to have never found one another and to have loved one another.
Friday, I walked up onto G's enclosed back porch and stood admiring the tall spruce she and the family had decorated. The brilliant white lights twinkled against the dark, and the star sitting jauntily atop the tree gleamed and seemed to wink at me. The warmth of the hope that the tree shone with enveloped me, and I felt like getting lost in that feeling for a moment. I felt like hope could be mine if I could just reach out and grab the warmth of it.
G and family were not home, but I wasn't here to see them. I was here in the sanctuary of her porch that she offered to me and D.
I turned as I heard the fall of his steps on the sidewalk. Right on time. He always prides himself on being punctual; he has for as long as I have known him. His brown eyes caught mine as he climbed the steps to the porch. I love the crinkles around them and the light that shines within them. I love the other things that flare within his eyes---passion, desire, need, want.
But these things, I will never know of, not in one sense, for we won't allow ourselves that. How long we can keep denying ourselves these things, I don't know. I will probably walk away from the greatest friendship and the greatest love I have ever known, eventually.
I shook those thoughts from my head; I do every time I talk to him, every time I see him, for I won't let them impede on the joy of the moment for long.
We sat quietly on the wicker furniture and talked about our day and the coming holiday. We spoke of plans for holiday parties, for time with family and friends. But then we just sat quietly, my head leaning against his shoulder, staring into the light of the tree.
The time together was too short. And we rose to part. His fingers entwined with mine for a moment, and then just our fingertips brushed, for this is the most we will allow ourselves. My arms ached to hug him, to wrap around him, but this control that we hold to so fiercely would crack if either of us did that. (We haven't hugged one another since we revealed the true nature of our feelings last week, and I miss hugging him, as we did when we were merely friends denying the true nature of what we felt.) I started to turn to leave, when his hand on my shoulder stopped me and turned me to him.
Damn him. I didn't want him to see the tears brimming in my eyes. And, of course, one slid a sparkling trail down my cheek. His breath came sharply at that sight, and his hand rose; I knew it was involuntary. A thumb brushed another tear as it began to follow the trail of the first; he caught it as his thumb skimmed along my cheek and then down, and across my lower lip.
"I love you, J," came his hoarse whisper through the night air.
"I love you too, D.; completely, madly, fully," I whispered, my voice hitching on a sob, for I knew the words that would follow, and we spoke them together: "Another place, another lifetime...somehow we missed each other by 15 years."
My fingers brushed along the back of his hand; his fingers stilled on my cheek; we were allowing ourselves an additional moment of tenderness, something we haven't done since we revealed our hearts.
I fought for breath and, silently, I turned and walked away, cutting through the darkness and to my car so I could travel the 5 miles to the life I have chosen to keep. But my heart, God help me, my heart lies with him.
Beautiful_Wreck posted on Dec 03, 2006
| views: 451
Comments
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Zayda said on Dec 03, 2006....
Oh BW--I don't really know what to say, except that your pain and your longing are palpable in this. I wish I had something comforting to say about what you are feeling and what you are going through.
I can simply offer you a virtual {hug} and hope that somehow that small gesture will bring you a small measure of comfort. -
silverwhisper said on Dec 04, 2006....
i'm so sorry, BW. i want to offer you a comforting if bony shoulder as i find myself unable to find the words just now.
ed -
PAPERBACKWRITER said on Dec 04, 2006....
I do not know what to say BW. It is bittersweet. Would it be an intrusion, to say my heart aches for you?
(offers a gentle squeeze on the hand)
Paper~
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Beautiful_Wreck said on Dec 04, 2006....
Zayda--I truly don't know that there is anything one could say for such a situation. Thank you for even the virtual hug.
Silver--Even bony shoulders are nice to lean on when we need it most. A dear RL friend of mine has bony shoulders; his do nicely for his friends in need, as I am sure yours do for yours. So, thank you for the gesture.
Paper--Good day. Thank you. -
Zayda said on Dec 04, 2006....
Beautiful_Wreck--I do so wish I could find the words that would comfort you. And it's exasperating to not have such words.
Silver, by the way, has fine shoulders to lean on--even if they are bony--and a great ear to bend. He's very good at doing that for many of us here at SC. -
gingersoul said on Dec 04, 2006....
BW....i didnt know if i was keeping reading for the beauty of your writing or only for the solemn sorrow of your situation. I am sorry for you two. I offer my hugs and my attention...i will listen to you .. sometimes there are simply no exact words to reach out... your pain is so thick.... but he loves you.....even in the midst of all your difficult restrains ..you can close your eyes and think: he loves me.... -
MissMimi said on Dec 04, 2006....
BW, I am deeply touched by your words. This is one of those times when loving hurts almost unbearably. I'm sorry for the pain you carry in your heart.
Ditto what Z said, by the way. SW's got extremely compassionate shoulders. He's a great listener.
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silverwhisper said on Dec 04, 2006....
hey hey hey...this is about BW, ladies.
here, have some shoulder, BW. :>
ed -
Zayda said on Dec 04, 2006....
BW, I don't know if this will help, but I wanted you to know, that many of us have lived the kind of pain you are experiencing. So, I wanted to share my story of that kind of pain with you. -
Beautiful_Wreck said on Dec 04, 2006....
GingersouL: Thank you; yes, my pain is think. And while knowing that someone loves me would usually bring much comfort, those words tear my heart in two right now because we have both chosen to remain in the lives that we share with others.
MissMimi: Thank you. Yes, loving this way is indeed most painful. I only hope that not too many people go through such pain, but I can see from Zayda's link that's another soul has, and I suspect from what I read here, many of us have.
Silverwhisper: May I call you Silver; I didn't ask that before? Or Ed? I don't want to be presumptious. It is clear that many here hold you in their hearts as a friend. I am sure that your shoulders make a great place for friends to rest a head or to just find a bit of solice and safety.
And I don't mind Zayda and MissMimi reassuring me that you indeed do have compassionate shoulders. I am new to SC though and wouldn't want to presume that someone you hardly know should rest a bit on those shoulders, even when you offer one. But it is mighty kind of you to do so. May I reserve the right to come back to that offer though once I am more familiar with the community? -
CreativeWoman said on Dec 04, 2006....
BW,
I am speechless. I hope this has a fairytale ending for you even if it is against the odds.
You are a wonderful writer.
CW
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secretlife said on Dec 04, 2006....
BW: sometimes we wonder if it's better to not have known such a love. but i believe that regardless of the cost, it's better to have known the depth of these feelings than to have never known them. I do understand your pain. -
momsrock said on Dec 04, 2006....
BW: My eyes were watering along with yours in the story...you are a beautiful writer. I think ginger and sl have a great point, at least you know the feelings. I know it doesn't change the outcome, but it might dull the pain. -
Beautiful_Wreck said on Dec 04, 2006....
CreativeWoman: Thank you. I don't really consider myself a writer. I just write when my emotions well to the point of bursting and I have to get them out. I'm not the creative type, when it comes to writing, like you seem to be. Your stories are quite interesting and tantalizing.
I guess I don't really believe that fairytale endings are possible.
Secretlife: I wish I could say with confidence that it is better to have known this kind of love, regardless of the cost, but right now, it's too painful for me to entertain that thought. Perhaps one day I will be able to look back on this situation with that kind of wisdom. But right now, I only see the shattered wreck of what could have been surrounding me.
Momsrock: Thank you for the compliment on my writing. It's strange to find two compliments about that here. And perhaps one day, knowing that I have experienced such love will dull the pain. -
silverwhisper said on Dec 05, 2006....
BW: please, call me whatever feels most comfortable (unless that happens to be "hey you!"). :> and absolutely. you know how to reach me outside of SC. i'm not on the lit forums as often as here. :>
and the shoulder's always here for you if you feel ready. :>
ed -
Alyss said on Dec 05, 2006....
How very strange to hear my own and my soulmate's words echoing back to me from another soul. We too have said 'another time, another place' and wished we'd met before...
I have yet to meet my soulmate though I hope to do so soon but when I read this my heart was near to breaking for you. To be so close, to want so much and yet to deny it. -
EvilTwin said on Dec 05, 2006....
Beautiful Wreck... I don't know what to say. It is always hard to hear someone echoing what my soulmate and I are feeling. Alyss has mentioned our own thoughts, our own turn of phrase... But as silverwhisper said, this is about you.
Just know that there are others here that understand and share your pain and frustration. And we are here for you.
[Hugs] for you...
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Beautiful_Wreck said on Dec 05, 2006....
Oh Silver, I would never call someone "Hey you." -
writing_guru said on Dec 07, 2006....
Beautiful_Wreck, this post is simply heartbreaking. I can feel how sad you are seeping through every line of the post. -
dustinthewind said on Dec 09, 2006....
I feel as if you wrote that for every pain I feel as well, so my heart is with you -
soulreaver said on Dec 14, 2006....
I remember something from I read... when faced with intense emotion, feelings, depression, passion, and the likes - don't fight it, feel the moment. BE THERE. It says that you'll feel good afterwards, I'll blog about it one day...
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