My mother dislikes my boyfriend with a passion, and she has no qualms about letting me know exactly what is wrong with him. You see, my mother is a very old fashioned woman...and I am the black sheep of this household. My sister, who is younger is incredibly smart, she got a full scholarship and her bf works in a bank. I on the other hand have always been atracted to the bad boys. My boyfriend is a soccer player and very much a bad boy with a heart of gold.
I've dated quite a few people. Most of my relationships have been bad ones and my mother cannot understand why this one has stuck. I wish she could see him through my eyes. This is the guy that has never pressured me into anything, whose always there for me when I need him, supports my decisions and opinions, isn't violent, doesn't drink or smoke, he's just a little rough around the edges.
My mother only sees appearances, she is easily led on by other people's gossip. Someone tells her something and she takes it for truth. Most of the time the stuff she tells me other people have told her is really a twisted version of what really happened. I mean, I think everyone will agree that when gossip begins to make the rounds the story usually morphs into something else.
My boyfriend has expressed his wishes to marry me. My mother will flip when she finds out. I usually tell my boyfriend what my mother says and he's usually very understanding. He knows she is old fashioned and he is usually the one that calms me down and tells me to just let her rant. However, sometimes her comments are hurtful and even though he doesn't say it, I can see that sometimes it hurts him.
I'm pretty headstrong and I can't be bullied by my mother...its one of the reasons our relationship isn't the smoothest in the world, and why she considers me the black sheep, but if things continue the way they are, I will marry this guy. He will become a part of my family. I just hate feeling caught in the middle. When its between your boyfriend or your mother who do you put first?
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allaroundgirl posted on Jun 26, 2006
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starlightstarbright said on Jun 26, 2006....
I'm caught in a very similar situation at the moment. My boyfriend lives about an hour away, and I plan to marry him next year. The problem is that I have the same problem. My mother thinks I should stay here and spend the rest of my life taking care of her. If I do that, I forfeit my own dreams and will wind up miserable in the end. The second thing is that my father has cancer and doesn't have long to live, so I can definitely relate to your dilemma. I honestly don't know what to do. I may have to live with him once we're married, because I want to be with him, but I would still come home to take care of my mother, but she doesn't seem to understand this. She thinks that once I move down there, I will never come back, because I can't drive, but my boyfriend says he would bring me back to take care of her. It's not like I'm moving to another country. I'd be moving an hour away. At the same time, she has threatened to sell things that belong to me in order to survive if I move. This is extremely hurtful, and it makes me wonder if she really cares about my happiness. My best advice is to stay with your boyfriend a while and see how things go. If he truly is your soulmate and treats you with respect, maybe your mom will eventually see that and see your point of view. -
sociologically_speaking said on Jun 26, 2006....
In the end, you're the one that needs to be happy and satisfied with your life, and your decisions--not your mother. It sounds like your mother has never given you any real support with anything, not just this boyfriend. If nothing has ever pleased her, chances are breaking up with the guy won't please her either; and you'll be unhappy as a result. Consider marriage very carefully. It is acceptable to stay engaged for a while if you wish. If the relationship doesn't work out, you won't have to go through a messy divorce. Make sure you can live with your boyfriend's "roughness around the edges" for a lifetime. Imagine what the relationship will be like when you are 40, 50, and 70 years old. Can you picture yourself happy? Make sure his family is supportive of your relationship; that will help. Try not to discuss the relationship with your mother, and if she broaches the subject, tell her things are going very well, then change the subject. Ask her how things are going with her, your family, what she has been up to lately, etc. And don't get your hopes up about your mom. Chances are that she won't change; so just keep your distance from her; keep your interactions with her brief and friendly; and accept the parts of her personality that you can deal with. Hope this helps! I've been in a lot of bad relationships; my mother is horrible; and I am finally happily married to a guy that she initially questioned as "not the right person". Now she loves the guy, and our familial relationship is probably the best it's ever going to be. -
Marie-Jane said on Jun 26, 2006....
I'm so stubburn that I would let her be like that while I'm happy...isin't it what counts after all? I don't want to be a B***H but he's going to be there after your mother's gone... -
hunter_boyce_chandler said on Jun 26, 2006....
Sounds like a typical Drama Queen no brainer. Everyone thinks they are the "black sheep" or misunderstood and unappreciated one, it called being self centered. You dont plan to marry your mother so whats the issue. This problem is so 1980's that it is really not all that entertaining. Marry for money, for lust, for position, and maybe even for love but never because Mommy likes him. -
periwinkle said on Jun 29, 2006....
I'm lucky my mom is not like that, she's understanding and has always expressed her wishes for me to do what makes me happy coz in the end she will leave me first, so I have to have someone I can rely on, someone to spend the rest of my life with. I've had my own share of bad boyfriends but she has always accepted their differences. For your case I'd say go for what makes you happy at least in the end if it will fail you only have yourself to blame and you wouldnt be left asking questions about "what might have beens?" -
jansirani said on Jul 28, 2006....
u better go with ur mind! -
starlightstarbright said on Jul 28, 2006....
periwinkle, you are incredibly lucky. My controlling mother basically told me to leave, because I won't do what she thinks I should do. Yeah, that's love! (sarcasm intended) -
Marie-Jane said on Jul 28, 2006....
I have learned from my family in law that you can't say nothing...even if me and my husband can't stand my sister in law's boyfriend, after all, she's the one sleeping with him, not us or my husband's parents, trust me we ALL hate him! I have a mother like periwinkle and so does my boyfriend, to our mothers all that matters is that we're happy. I have to say that my brother married a total B***H and my brother knew that we didn't like her, she caused ALLOT of trouble in my family, she was hurting my brother and he wasn't doing anything since she was his wife and to him that was acceptable. So I would have to say that it depends on the situation. -
sadsack said on Jul 28, 2006....
allroundgirl, The best thing you can do is follow your instincts. If you feel your guy is the right one for you, go ahead..its your life after all. But if, somewhere inside you you have doubts about him, listen to your mother. Experience does count. I wish I had listened to my mother when I was in my twenties. I just wanted to get out of the family set up and married this guy, though in my heart of hearts I knew we were poles apart. Maybe your Mom just wants to protect you from getting hurt. But...eventually its your lfe and you need to decide for yourself if he's the right one for you. -
yankee328 said on Aug 12, 2006....
man that's a tough one but you have to live your own life no matter what your mom says, no matter what anyone else says. and if you feel like this is the one, then you have to do what you have to do. but just make sure that you want to marry him because he's good for you and not because your mom is so strongly against you. at the same time, we have to remember that most of the time our parents don't really know us and have never really known us or what makes us happy. and in some cases they only care about what will make them happy or look good. -
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