• starlightstarbright said on Jun 25, 2006....

  Here's a thought. Reverse psychology. It usually works pretty well. You see, your husband is getting a lot of attention, and the more you tell him you need him, the better he feels about himself. So he plays hard to get. Basically, you telling him that you need him is sort of an ego boost for him, and if he can keep you in suspense, thinking that he is so busy, the more attention he gets. Try this. Get involved in your own thing (hobbies, may it be shopping or going out with the gurls) and get really into it. Talk about how much fun you're having, and don't tell him how much you need him. He will wonder what is going on in your life, and hopefully he will realize just how much he needs you as well.

• lidstrom82 said on Jun 25, 2006....

  That sounds good, starbright. Think of it this way, Creative - your husband is used to how things are now, and his comfort is greater than your happiness. However, you have taken care of his every need and have only recently realized that you want a life of your own, too. But it's been a long time that he's used to how "it's always been." All the more reason to build a life for yourself. I totally agree with starbright - rebuild your life. Set aside time for required marital/household duties (so you're not neglecting husband or home), and then see the time left over - do whatever you want with it! Just because your husband is unprepared to change doesn't mean you have to wait for him. Just do those hobbies and do what you want! This will give him much less attention, and he may get angry. This is GOOD anger, because the real danger is when marriages get apathetic - neither spouse cares anymore. Anger is a good sign that he cares. There is a tough road ahead, and it may take marriage counseling, some good conversations with your husband, and such. But right now, cut down the other outlets you've spoken of (adult chatting and such) and redevote yourself to your husband in your mind. Then, tend to your own need to be important, and to take care of your own needs. You might need some rewiring to undo bad habits (of catering to everyone but yourself), or it might be easy. Do healthy activities that you're passionate about. If your husband gets confused or mad that he's getting much less attention, lovingly tell him that you have been patient with him, but now you need to love him AND enjoy yourself. It's hard, so expect to reach out to counselors for help at some point. It might not be an option in your mind now, but at the very least, you could go alone and rebuild your life with the help of someone else. If you do, your husband might think a therapist or someone else is turning you against him. Don't allow that, but also remember that you must live your own life within the marriage too.

• Tappa said on Jun 25, 2006....

  Have had me a few (34! a Few LOL!) yrs of marriage to a control freak. Turns on the "warm and understanding" side for the first few days after i'v been able to pin him in one place long enough to tell how I feel. The One statement I made which rocked his boat? "It's okay if you don't love me or take care of me and our kids and house - 'cos in the long run, you need me more than I need you. After 30 years of having to do everything myself and by my self? There's damn all left for you to do now dear." Now we have an understanding - I'm here until I can get sorted enough to move out. In the meantime, we are courteous and friendly to each other, 'cos Both understand that that's the stage our relationship is at. Friends, sharing an adddress for now. Stay resolved - be careful about "negotiating" cos it often means compromising, which in turn often means someone loses what they want/need. Find a true friends - aunts are the best if buddies have loose lips. Be brave enough to get a counsellor - it's Not a sign of failing, it's a sign you're bold enough to muster your "army" (cos you"re "fighting" for your Self)

• sociologically_speaking said on Jun 26, 2006....

  I've been married for three years, but I am still my own person. I have my own hobbies and interests that make me happy. I don't solely rely on my husband to make me happy. My husband also has his own interests, and he goes out with the guys, and other places; I come along when I feel like it. I don't rely on him to entertain me. My husband is very supportive and caring, but he's not a woman, so he doesn't have the same needs that I do. I also look to other people for support; and to listen to me. It helps that I do not use my husband to measure my self-worth or self-esteem. The more emotionally needy a woman is, the more the guy will emotionally withdraw. Being needy and weepy is really unattractive; and it scares guys because they don't know how to deal with these situations. They are just stumped. Their brains go blank. Also, when a man has a lot of other obligations or responsibilities, chances are he will subconsciously conserve his energy by withdrawing emotionally. He will also physically and emotionally withdraw if all of his interactions with you involve you getting teary and displaying a "woe-is-me" attitude. This is not attractive to men. What to do: Pursue your own interests. Get a hobby. Join a group. Make friends. Don't obsess about your marriage. Think positively! All of this will attract him rather than repel him. *Remember*--guys are not built for having conversations about everything; and they especially hate "relationship conversations".

• lidstrom82 said on Jun 26, 2006....

  sociologically speaking, you had some good, solid advice. At the same time, as a guy, I disagree with the statement that guys hate relationship conversations. Not all guys are like that, and many are willing to talk about the state of the relationship without their brains going blank :) I'm living proof. Of course, I might be one of a million husbands who do that, but I'd like to have more hope for the male gender!

• CreativeWoman said on Jun 26, 2006....

  I don't consider myself a weepy person. It's only after I've reached the end of my rope that I shed tears. I try to converse with my husband without raising my voice even when I'm angry. I do have hobbies. I also spend one day away from the farm each week. He seems to enjoy the time that I'm gone. He won't even break for lunch if I'm not here most of the time. He'll say he didn't have time. So... I do appreciate all of the advice you have given me. I will think about it and hopefully apply some of it. Thank you for reading. I'll make more posts soon.

• hunter_boyce_chandler said on Jun 28, 2006....

  Will you just quit whining. Your husband must be a saint to put up with your Drama Queen routine. I married a strong woman who is lovely, smart and wouldnt hesitate to kick me in the ass when I need it. We're partners, lovers and friends. No real man wants a wimpering slave girl!!!! No wonder he seems to enjoy his time when you are gone.

• CreativeWoman said on Jun 28, 2006....

  Hunter, I am a strong woman. It is only here in this forum that I allow myself to release these deepest emotions that I am feeling. I tell my husband how I feel calmly and then I let it drop. He makes his own choices about how he spends my time. I never claimed to be the perfect person but I am no Drama Queen. I am one of the most quiet people you would happen upon. Thank you for commenting.

• Ardy said on Jun 29, 2006....

  If you want some attention, give him some attention. What you sow, you reap.

• Prewdaug said on Jun 30, 2006....

  One of the best books I came across about this, was HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS, by Gary Smalley?One thing you can do, it talk to him about his interests,and tell him how you feel about them.....What do you think about such and such? Then you can express yourself to him about how you feel about those topics. Ask his opinion on movies, books, tv programs, sports, and a host of other things that interest him. He will talk for hours, and you will get a better insight into where he is at. What man would not sit and discuss his thoughts with someone who stares at him dreamy eyed for hours at a time? When he asks you how you feel then you can tell him what is in your heart. (Don't you think that Mike Dehaven has great calves? He has a nice butt too!)That will get his attention.At any rate, read the book. It may give you some ideas on how to approach the subject.prewdaug,See my questionaire on foot rubs.....www.soulcast.com/prewdaug

• hunter_boyce_chandler said on Jul 01, 2006....

  Creative, You are they greater of the two of you. Don't you understand that? As a woman you are a complete person, whole with magic and wonder and purpose. Your man can never be the complete being you are already. He requires you to complete his self image and his self confidence. It is a biological, evolutionary fact. He needs you far more than you need him. You feel deeper than he has the capacity to experience. You are magic.

• ellaywest said on Jul 26, 2006....

  I say one day is not enough. YOu may be a bit more needy than he is willing to put up right now. But if you feel neglected look inside. It may be him. It may be you. The best way to teach someone about taking someone for granted is just saying, "fuck it".....until he starts asking you questions about what you are feeling....leave it alone. you need time to think and his distance and disinterest may just be the time you need. You may come to find that he is no longer giving you what you need......or vice versa. Hey, just don't break down in front of him anymore...they don't respect that. Stand strong, maintain silence just to get your mind together...and find more to do around and outside the house. Build a lego castle lol!!! Or a 5000 peice puzzle!!!! lmao. Just divert your attention for awhile. If he comes to you and wants to know what the hell is going on...then it will be time to discuss your conclusions that you had come to while you were building the drawbridge to the castle. And is he doesn't come looking for you....well, I am sorry but he is just not that into you. Which I never think is a bad thing. I don't care what guy is not into me when there are plenty roaming the earth. And when all else fails...have an emotional/verbal affair. It's not sex and although I don't promote it. Sometimes you need someone to talk to and you can't make excuses why you aren't getting what you need...by any means neccesary..you have the net...find someone to chat with... I know it hurts like hell. But bottom line, you are not getting what you need...now what are you going to do about it?

• CreativeWoman said on Jul 26, 2006....

  I really don't know what I am going to do about it. Well, that's not true. The scales are leaning toward leaving. Part of me still loves him enough to not want to hurt him. The other part of me is dying in misery. If I just say "fuck it" and do my own thing, that is fine by him. I've tried it. It just frees him up to spend more time with his dad or doing farm things...guilt free. Thank you all for your insights. I'm trying to work through this amongst my blog pages. Thank you all for reading and commenting.

• anonymous said on Jul 29, 2006....

  Take him out to places that he uesd to take you to. Tell him what he uesd to tell you when you started with him, tell him all the promise he made to you,I think that way you will get him back.

• starlightstarbright said on Jul 29, 2006....

  I agree with ellay. Ignore him. Get involved in your own things and show him that you don't need him to feel happy. Eventually, he will begin to wonder about this sudden change and decide to see what is going on. Men respond to this. If you are suddenly quiet and focusing your engergies on something outside of them, they want to know what it is. Trust me. :-)

• CreativeWoman said on Jul 30, 2006....

  Starlight and Ellay, I have tried doing my own thing. I still do my own thing. It doesn't work with him. It just lets him do his own thing guilt free without me. He honestly doesn't care what I do as long as I leave a meal behind for him and he has clean clothes. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not. sigh...

• db5sons said on Aug 17, 2006....

  Put his ass on the spot and tell him you want alot more sex,want him to eat your pussy more more.

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 17, 2006....

  It isn't just about sex. I could put up with bad sex, if there was more of an emotional connection between us. CW

• melodii said on Oct 01, 2006....

  it's the worst feeling ever when you are with someone you love but you feel loneliest... been there, done that & i'm divorced. i am not recommending you divorcing him immediately, but know what you want.
  
  all relationships start off great, then it will become mundane as our daily lives take over. marriage is a huge commitment, i guess you have already tried various ways to spice things up but to no avail.
  
  it's hard for most men to open up & talk, they are not made that way. do you think he still in love with you? are you still in love with him? are the 2 of you still fully committed to make the marriage work? find out & move on from there.
  
  i read that you met someone who is interested in you, do be careful... have you tried spending some time alone to think about what you want out of life? what you want to do with your life & are you on the path of achieving your objectives?
  
  never afraid of being alone... i hope your family & friends are there to support you when you need them.
  

• anonymous said on Feb 12, 2007....

  Hi, I have the same situation, just the same, we have 5 kids, 2 are mine, and 3 are his, just got married 2 years ago, he ownes his company, I work very hard as well, the point is that he is the type of person that he does not need to talk, I dont really beleive in that, because I thinks that he just does not take a woman seriesly, i mean conversations are boring for him, he is not very honest and sincer the way I am, I really think that conversation is part of a relashionship specialy if you are married. I also think that if husbands dont take care of this situation, a lot of things can happen we are like a flower, we need water, we need to feel loved!

• matthew77 said on Feb 23, 2007....

  Please buy and read the book, Boundaries in Marriage by Dr Cloud. It will save your marriage.

• AloneandMarried said on May 02, 2008....

  My husband and I have drifted apart. We had not had sex in a year or more. We had alot of changes, moving and losing a home now. We are renting a nice home now. A coworker of his, seems to be attracted to him and him to her. He never did like to hold hands or kiss me, only while dating. I grew up in a abusive and was lonely and got married rather quickly...for years things were ok. He then revealed that he was a crossdresser. That was hard but I had come to accept it. I have built my world around him and our family. I feel so alone, I feel like a maid in my home and I am trying to deal with things such as teachers, school and etc... I just cry all the time, got on antidepressants at my drs urging and will go to theraphy next week. I have no friends where we live, one that lives far away, talks to me when she can. I have no contact with my abusive family who is violent and very mean. I feel all alone in the world, I even think of just checking out of this so I can not feel so teary and out of it at times, but my child needs me, she keeps me alive I think. Most where I live are not friendly, kinda of snotty actually, we got a good rental in a very good district but the downside is that we are the only renters...I do not know if it is me who thinks people judge me, no one talks to me, no one seems to want too, even when I am cheerful and outgoing, I just feel alone...I don't know what to do.

• 3sunshine said on Aug 03, 2008....

  I have a husband who stone walls me at every attempt at a meaningful conversation. I have given up. He is old school, man goes work, sits waits for meal etc....

  This is my second marriage ( 1st lasted 17 yrs) mutual ending.

  He told me many white lies when first we met, about his past relationships etc, and really he is very secretive even now. He lied about still seeing his ex when we started seeing each other, lied about who he had been seeing, continued contact with her even after we lived together. He constantly leers at other women even when I am around. All his past relationships have been with work collegues, he works with women now, mostly alone with them and unsociable hrs. I have never felt easy with him, he makes me feel like I am missing something. He always comes home on time and is a good dad, these are what i stay for. I would given anything to be able to have a two way conversation with him, I can say how i feel and after a few minutes of him looking away from me he will turn whatever I said around to it being my  fault and then storm out and not speak to me for days! And whist I am having a moan....... he has only ever complemented me on clothing that is a tight fit etc... never for anything else.. you know me personally.. I feel his world is superficial and he really does not have a clue about emotions etc, a bit narcistical. I feel better for the moan, thanks for listening, if anyone has a husband similar i would love to hear.

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 04, 2008....

  3sunshine,
  Were you speaking in general terms or do I know you personally?  Please PM me if you think we know each other.
  
  CW
  

• 3sunshine said on Aug 05, 2008....

  no we don't know each other, i am speaking in general terms. Just spouting off about a useless husband x

• 3sunshine said on Aug 05, 2008....

  ohhh i see where you may have misread that...i meant he does not speak of anything personally to do with me...its all about how i look rather than whats inside.. whoops

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 05, 2008....

  I can understand that.  No worries.  I know how it hurts to not be noticed for the real you.
  
  CW
  

• Peaceinside said on Aug 28, 2008....

  I found this by Googling "my husband wont talk to me". My husband and I both have our own businesses and we both work out of the home (I am away 1/4 the time in meetings and classes though). I just listened to him, again, spend 20 minutes talking to his admin. assistant about all the crap in her life ~ he does this several times a day. She talks with him about personal things so much more than he talks to me. It is killing me. I to feel very alone. I have told him this countless times; he doesn't get it. I no longer cry around him. He does not come to bed until the wee hours; he always has something to do with work, 7 days a week. We don't do anything together and I don't really care if we do...that is not true, but I feel resentful that I always have to plan everything ~ can't he put some fucking effort into it? I have always been a firm believer in "you make time for the things that are important to you". We don't play any more ~ we use to all the time (I am not talking about sex, actual playing). There needs to be balance in life ~ there certainly isn't here. He always says that he is working this hard now so we can relax later; I am all for that, but you have to have some balance. I am a 2 time cancer survivor and I know that one day, tomorrow will never come. I don't want to resent him and I don't want to die regretting the things I did not make time for. We were given some gift certificates for a very nice restaurant; I made reservations after discussing it with him. Said day arrives and it was like pulling teeth to get him to go, so we cancelled. I won't bring it up again. I bet the gift certificates expire before we use them. How sad is that? But I have a back-up plan. The week they expire (11 months from now), I am going to make reservations for myself and a girlfriend. He won't be invited. I am getting on with my life and if he is there, he is there. I am simply tired of trying to be the compliant one. Marriage is about compromise. He always tells me "I am not like that" and he won't make an effort to change, but expects me to completely change to suit his ideals. I can't take it any more. I have become apathetic and I know that is a terrible way to be in a marriage. Do I think we will survive? I don't know. Do I want our marriage to survive? Absolutely. Only time will tell.

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 29, 2008....

  Peacinside,
  I can completely understand your hurt.  My husband has the same sort of attitude.  He looks at life now as all work and that he will share time with me later when he can't farm anymore.  :-(    That's no way to be and it doesn't make me want to stay. We are in our 40's now and that would be far too little, too late.
  
  The balance you speak of is so true and I long for it too.  I hope you find yours.
  
  CW
  

• CreativeWoman said on Aug 29, 2008....

  Forgive me for misspelling your name, Peaceinside.  It's getting late and I should turn in.
  
  CW
  

• melodii said on Sep 05, 2008....

  i'm so sorry to read your postings, aloneandmarried, 3sunshine & peaceinside. i was in similar situation when i was pregnant with my only daughter, & divorced just after she was 1 after being together with my ex for 10 years (he fell for someone else while i was preoccupied with my pregnancy & newborn baby).

  since then, i spent a lot of time soul searching, got to know myself very well, found out what i like & dislike in my future relationship, spent the past number of years dating different men as well as spent time alone with & for myself. it's not easy being a single mom but somehow i managed with the support of my family & friends.

  have you read the book "men are from mars & women are from venus"? it helps me understand men better in general. also, 1 of best friends, brandon, bought me a book by dr laura "the proper care & feeding of husbands" for my birthday! well, i don't entirely agree with all she wrote as she is very pro-men. nevertheless, i do see the positive aspects of her theories.

  anyway, i met the most wonderful man last apr & we were immediately attracted to each other, he asked me to move to his home country just after a month of dating! we went thru all the hurdles & were married last november. we have a very good relationship despite the fact that he is a workaholic & perfectionist, what's more, we are committed to make our marriage work.

  i have my daughter & my hobbies to keep me occupied when he works long hours. i still haven't managed to make many friends around the area where we now live but i do work part-time, & i keep in touch with my friends & family via emails & phone calls. honestly, i am truly blessed to have him in my life!

  i cannot tell any of you what to do in your situation, as you are the best person to know what you can do to improve your position. all i can do is to share my experience with you & hope that you are able to draw some light from my experience. most importantly, do try to stay positive!
  

• CreativeWoman said on Sep 05, 2008....

  melodii,
  I haven't read either of those books, but I am very happy that you have found happiness.  That must feel wonderful.
  
  CW
  

• melodii said on Sep 07, 2008....

  thank you, cw, i am still sometimes finding it difficult to believe that it actually is happening, & that we are very happily married despite the differences we have from time to time. we talk/argue/discuss to resolve our differences & agree to disagree on some issues. my husband will talk to me when he is well & ready, which may not be when i want to talk sometimes, so i just tell him so.

  please do not give up hope & remain positive... still remember those wonderful times you had with him once?! our men may not be the perfect mr rights that we want them to be, but they are ours for keeps & do try to keep them!

  ps. my husband snores at night, i find it rather amusing that i tease him from time to time... also, i'm glad he is snoring beside me & not some other women!

   

• CreativeWoman said on Sep 07, 2008....

  melodii,
  I have tried to think of happier times and they all lead back to when we were dating before we got married.  He was a different person then, or so I thought.  When we married and I moved here to be with him, I realized too late that I wasn't the thing he loved the most.  I tried to change and make it work.  I just lost myself for a while.  He loves his land and his father more than he ever will me.  I've heard him say those words.  Right now, it's too late.  That kind of hurt doesn't go away.
  
  I'm very happy that you and your husband communicate so well.  That makes life together so much more pleasant.
  
  Best of luck to you.
  
  CW
  

• melodii said on Sep 07, 2008....

  don't be sad & do try let go of the hurt... i know it's not easy but do try, otherwise it will eat you up! i know my husband loves his only daughter more than life itself (she stays with his ex-wife), then there are his music & his job, i will never be his number 1. there are times that i feel lonely & depressed too but i try not be negative as i know it can get really bad.

  i had depression before & i didn't even realise until i hit rock bottom after my divorce. since then i vowed never ever again i would let anything or anyone has such a huge effect/control over me. i spent & am still spending a fair bit of time "working" on myself physically, mentally & spiritually.

  it's never too late, i'm sure in his own way he does love you. just be yourself & do the things that you enjoy doing, try not to build your world around him, life is short & try to make the best out of it. here are a few links to some inspirational videos that perhaps you will enjoy... http://www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com/, http://www.theinterviewwithgod.com/presentation.html, http://www.pathways-to-peace.com/.

  here are 2 other sites which i hope you will find useful... http://www.marsvenuswellness.com/relationships.htm, http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/44. enjoy!! :-)

   

   

• CreativeWoman said on Sep 07, 2008....

  melodii,
  I didn't get married to live my life alone.  You know?  I wanted him to want to be with me when he could.  He's made his own choices.
  
  Thank you for the links.  I will check them out.
   
  CW
  

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