I know he's my on-again-off-again friend and I know he's a toothless old man who's set in his ways and I know he's a bit of a hypocrite, but Vernon Mindless NEEDS to break up with his girlfriend.
Especially after what I found out she's been making him do.
Okay, so his girlfriend Amelia is a sweet-looking older woman, retired, who lost her husband a few years ago. She's only recently started dating again, and Vernon made the horrendous mistake of meeting her at one of his singles mixers. He's been a lifelong bachelor and he's painfully straight, so I can forgive him...up to a point.
He's also got a problem with providing a little too much information about their bedroom antics. In public, and in mixed company--even when he's not asked about it. I'll spare you the details and just say, "Eew."
He met me on the way to work yesterday morning. We stood in line at the coffee shop and Mr. Mindless told me (and the room) how wonderful Amelia is, and how pretty, and how well-off since she retired, and how good in bed, and how sweet it is that she records it each time...
"She records it?" I asked, disgusted but trying to be polite since he was so naive as to volunteer such information in public, and I did not want to make a scene.
"Oh yes," he said, grinning with pride. "It's so wonderful that she wants to document every instance of intercourse we have together. Every minute, every glorious second--filmed for posterity."
"How wonderful for you, Vernon," I said, trying not to vomit on the person in front of me.
"Never before have I had such a beautiful, sweet, romantic girlfriend," he continued, ignoring my unease. "I'm so in love, I'm actually thinking of proposing to her. Can you imagine--me, married? And to that gorgeous little minx?"
"Can't say that I can," I answered, hoping no teenagers were watching him making a fool of himself.
"My lovely Amelia." He sighed, no doubt wistfully remembering something he had done with her the night before. "I don't know how she gets that thing to work, but it works. It's amazing how small cameras have become these days. Small and golf-ball shaped. Astounding technology."
"Golf-ball shaped?" I asked.
"Yes," he answered, "one of those small, white and rounded cameras that can be hooked up to computers these days."
"Wait a minute," I said, turning around to see if I heard him right. What he was describing sounded suspiciously like a webcam. "She's recording her trysts with you and...saving them to her computer?"
"Oh yes," Vernon responded, grinning and nodding. "She said she wants to be able to see them every time I'm not around, and Amelia does so enjoy her computer. That, and she's apparently quite good with technology and the internet."
"She's on the internet a lot, then?"
"Yes, and apparently she has made many, many friends with it. She tells me she's quite popular. Especially since we started seeing each other. Her friends apparently approve of me."
"Does she have e-mail?" I asked.
Vernon Mindless was generous enough to give it to me as I was getting my blackberry tea. Wrote it on a napkin for me. I won't give it here, to protect the privacy of all parties involved, but I'll just say that Amelia goes by a suspicious-sounding handle, which I'll call "Geri-Lady." I did some research on-line after work yesterday, and--to my shock, awe, and horror--discovered that Amelia was the owner and propriator of a porn site. A very expensive porn site--which charges a little over $100 an hour to watch her engaging in a myriad of uncensored, webcam-recorded sexual situations. With several men, women, AND VERNON!
No wonder she's so well-off. But still...yuck.
I've debated whether or not to advise Vernon to ask Amelia (in private) about what "Geri-Lady" has been doing behind his back, and apparently without his permission...but I'm still too busy alternating between laughing and despairing.
