• sweet*nothing said on Nov 21, 2006....

  I do think criticism can be constructive, but it has to be carefully worded. For starters, it should not be called ‘criticism’ : ) But rather just your ‘humble opinion’.  I also think starting off with things like:

  I know it’s easier said than done but…

  I’m certainly no one to say, since I’ve made so many mistakes myself but…

  I know it must be hard, and I’m not sure I’d have the strength to do the right thing but, I think ideally one should…

  I think the key thing is to convey that your ‘feedback’ (for lack of a better word) is not judgment.  There’s nothing worse than judgment, when one knows one is not in an ideal situation.  Judgment also makes you feel criticized, and ostracized by the judger, and hence invites similar treatment (“oh you think I’m bad? Well what about YOU? how about that time when YOU did…”).  It also makes a person defensive – and when someone is defensive you can’t have a logical rational conversation.  No good can come of it. 

  It’s an interesting dilemma – I was actually going to post something similar about asking how one can avoid being judgmental when you know something is so blatantly wrong. And is having a strong belief / morals about something the same as being judgmental? I don’t think it is… but the lines can be blurry…

• SeanRenaud said on Nov 21, 2006....

  Just because you are screwed up in something doesnt' effect your opinion or its worth.  Particularly if they are in different areas.  A person who is say in a bad relationship can still be critical of their friend who is doing drugs.
   
  I think it can be constructive and unless it is done solely to hurt somebody I think it is.  I'll randomly read a blog and tell people not to use all caps, or bold or they need to put spaces between their paragraphs so that people can read it, etc etc etc.  I dont' feel bad about it.

• silverwhisper said on Nov 21, 2006....

  what sweet*nothing said, basically.
  
  ed
  

• HalGal said on Nov 21, 2006....

  Some great points, and Sweetnothing, what you said about the person feeling judged is exactly what happens, they turn the tables on me and get defensive and then no good comes on it...  Even though I never intended to be judgemental, I apparantly just came across that way because I didn't approach the situation the right way.  I would never intentionally try to hurt someones feelings or judge a friend, I need to work on my wording.  And I suppose SeanRenaud you're right, just because I have some sorting out in my life doesn't make my opinion worthless, sometimes I feel like maybe I should just mind my business and let people work things out for themselves.

• MissMimi said on Nov 21, 2006....

  I don't mind letting people know what I think, but I won't, unless they ask first.
   
  And if I ask for someone's opinion I better be ready to hear whatever they have to say.  If I ask, I want honesty.  But there's honest, then there's honest.  Criticism can be worded in a way that doesn't rub someone's nose in it.

• moonriver said on Nov 21, 2006....

  halgal, it all depends on where the person stands on your from-enemy-to-friend scale.
  
  • close friend - you need only tell her once, in a manner of a virtual sock on the gut, like "girl, your life's AFU, you been tripping from one asshole to the next, wake up you moron bla bla" then -- this is most important -- continually nudge her in the right direction not with words, but with well-thought-out actions that you're sure she'll appreciate.
  • so-so friend -- the others' comments apply. carefully craft your criticisms, not just the wording but the timing, emotional subtext, etc.
    
  • person you have problems with but whom you want to befriend - don't open your mouth. any criticism at this point will only worsen things.
  • sworn enemy - apply sun tzu's art of war. plan it well. "feint to the east, attack to the west... when the enemy camps, you harass; when the enemy tires, you attack..." criticism must be so overwhelming and relentless, the person will just wish to turn into a worm, crawl back to her hole and quietly die. ever read thurber's catbird seat?
    
  
  
  
  
  

• HalGal said on Nov 21, 2006....

  Moonriver I think that my friend went from:
  Close friend to sworn enemy...  other entities applied.  Would have been great advice two weeks ago! 

• moonriver said on Nov 21, 2006....

  halgal, in that case, case 4 doesn't apply as yet. as in tango, it takes two to start armageddon. she might have declared war, but you can still sue for peace while keeping your self-respect intact. say, a humongous bouquet of flowers and a short and sweet "i apologise, friends again pls?" note.
  

• HalGal said on Nov 22, 2006....

  I actually did consider the road to peace at first but now too much has been said and done.  She's actually trying to deface me on Soulcast, how pathetic is that?  After I called her out on the lies she wrote, she actually referenced her blog she wrote which was a FICTICIOUS instant message conversation...  Please read the following:
  
  http://www.soulcast.com/post/show/37318/You-know-things-suck-when-you-get-defaced-on-Soulcast...
   
  I don't need to deal with this crap, she knows that my mom was in the hospital recently my dad has a heart condition and cancer that keeps coming back AND I'm in an ugly court battle over my son...  Some friend...  Drive the knife in a little deeper why don't you, my back is turned come on! 

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