I picked a card it read 'If you want an incentive to change your life, visit your future now to see how it would be if you don't'
I had been resisting change for a long time, I was listening to my heart and not listening to my soul. My head and heart had been in conflict for a long time, my heart it seems kept overuling my head.
Things have been difficult for a very long time, they still are in many ways, I still have to deal with my training for my future career and worry about my two teenage son's. Added to this I was living with a relationship that just didn't seem to be working, no matter how much effort we put in. I have spent thousands of hours wondering why I am unable to have a safe secure loving relationship, what is it about me that stops my partner commiting to me? I have wracked my brains, I have tried my hardest, but still it didn't happen, it just seemed to ebb away, every time we had an oppotunity to change things, and try again, the tension would overwhelm us and things would go wrong.
I refused to give in, at times I pushed him away, as he did me, but the anxiety was unbearable and we would move towards each other again, but still the same old patterns would resurface, the same fears, the same inability to commit. Eventually everytime I was in his company, I would start to feel ill, I would be fine for a few hours, then when I realised that things were not improving, or nothing had been learnt, or I was snapped at, I would get a headache, or a pain in my solar plexus. What was happening? I needed to understand why I felt so bad.
Well, it seems, that my soul realised before I did, that this relationship had no hope of a happy ending when the man I loved could not find it in his heart to accept our love. It was as though he was fighting against the flow of love, and in the end I think my soul had to manifest minor ailments, for me to start understanding what was happening.
When I picked the card, I realised that if I didn't initiate change now, I could still be feeling this way in another seven years, by then I would be nearly fifty, my children may well have gone, and I would be completely alone, in a relationship that was complex and disturbing. I knew I had to attempt to try and alter the course that we were now heading for. I didn't really want to, but I was left with no choice, my soul was speaking to me, my soul was saying, 'You are worth more than this, this man is unable to show his feelings and that will always hurt you' It isn't his fault, he hasn't done this on purpose, he has just locked those feelings away and he won't let you get to them. So it's time for your soul to move away from the situation.
I was terrified at the prospect of the death of my relationship, I suppose I still am, but I also know that with every death, comes a re-birth, a new way, a new hope, a new thought process, I can't change the way he feels, but hopefully with time I can change the way I feel.
I thank him for the times he fed my soul with love, I thank him for the things he did for me, and my son's. I'm sorry I had to get angry, but if I didn't get angry I wouldn't have been able to do it, basically my soul forced me to get angry, to break the cycle that was locking our love away. Basically we lost our way, our souls became divided, and it seems that no matter how hard we tried, it is time to approach life from a different perspective.......................................................
