I dread any family gathering at the in-laws, but Thanksgiving dinner ranks right up there with the worst. If I called today and asked what I could bring, my mother-in-law would tell me she wasn't sure what the menu is yet for this Saturday. (I'm sure that would be a lie from a pronounced Christian woman.) Then she would tell me just to bring something I can eat. That leaves me hanging and she does that on purpose.
I'm not really on a special diet, but I do watch what I eat. It's no secret that I watch carbs and go out of my way to avoid sugary items. Diabetes runs in my family and I don't want to be a slave to it in later life. My in-laws treat me as if I have a handicap because I do this. Occasionally, I do slip at the holidays and eat things I shouldn't. My in-laws watch what I put on my plate like hawks. "Can you have that?" I feel like a twelve year old.
Then there is the pretense of formality without table manners. This is a redneck farm family. I would even call them borderline Amish. Yet, they dress up for Thanksgiving dinner. There are assigned seats. The good tablecolth is out. Grandma's china and the good silverware get used. They always have to tell the story about the one sister-in-law who found a matching set at an auction. Whoopee.
Before we can eat, we say Grace, which is fine. Then my mother-in-law gets all choked up and wants to go around the table requiring each person to say one thing they are thankful for. That would be fine too if there was an ounce of sincerity in the room. It's a big "I'm better than you" fest. One sister-in-law uses it as an opportunity to announce how much money they made on their crop. I guess I'm supposed be jealous. I don't play those games. I will choose something totally benign to be thankful for.
Then when the meal is finished, I will get up with a smile on my face and do the dishes. Even this has become a negative to them. I have heard from other family sources that this is a big joke to them that it's my "job" to do the dishes. I can't even win for being nice.
The children will run wild like banshees. They have not been taught to play using their imaginations. Run and chase in the house is all they know how to do. No one calls them down. The adults just talk louder. It's quite a contrast from the quasi-formal dinner we just had.
I never rush my husband to go home early, but I do tell him that if he is going off on a jaunt with any of them to leave me the car keys. I'm not staying there alone without him. It's just like them to want to tear down a barn or seign a pond "while everybody's here".
God forgive me, but I have come to resent them all.
Just as I write this, I feel my anxiety level rising. In fact, I could cry at this very moment. These people were very good to me before I married my husband. I found their family quirks to be endearing. After the wedding, it's like a light switch flipped. I don't know what I did. Any friendships I thought were developing crumbled. I don't know why. I don't know if I did something that offended them. The dynamics changed though. I feel tolerated and that's about it.
I'll be glad when it's over.
CW
CreativeWoman posted on Nov 20, 2006
| views: 253
Comments
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silverwhisper said on Nov 20, 2006....
so that kinda begs a question, CW: when will it be over?
i'm sorry your in-laws suck.
ed
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secretlife said on Nov 20, 2006....
CW: I would dress real pretty, do my hair and makeup, and most of all smile no matter what the entire day.....until my face hurt.Sometimes the best revenge is just trying to be happy and let the rest wonder why. -
CreativeWoman said on Nov 20, 2006....
ed,
My plan is for it to be over as soon as I am financially secure enough for it to be.
secret,
I do plan to kill them with kindness. I try to never let them see how much they hurt me.
CW
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scalywag said on Nov 20, 2006....
CW....I like the idea that you plan to kill them with kindness.....from the things I have read from you....I am not surprised either. I think it takes a better and stronger person to do this. (maybe you can stand in for me at my family's Christmas party)
by the way...would you care to explain what "seign a pond" means? I've heard a lot of things but I've not heard that before.
Best wishes to you on Saturday CW.
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CreativeWoman said on Nov 20, 2006....
scaly,
I'm not sure I spelled it right, but seigning a pond is when you drag a big net through a pond that is low to harvest the remaining fish.
Thank you for being so nice about my kindness. I'm trying to build up some good karma. :-) I guess I could hire out for parties. lol
CW
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lioneljay said on Nov 20, 2006....
Screw the kindness. Just get it done and hire a good lawyer!
CW, I can sympathize, empathize, and emphasize right along with you. To me, hell is having the kind of in-laws that belong in sitoms - and I'm nearing my 30th year in hell.
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CreativeWoman said on Nov 20, 2006....
lionel,
You are such a sweet man. You deserve better. :-) I promise I won't spend that long in my hell.
CW
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MissMimi said on Nov 21, 2006....
{{{CW}}} It sounds like hell, and I think you handle it the best you can. My in-laws live on the west coast so we don't spend holidays together as a rule. Thank God. -
dailyachesandpains said on Nov 21, 2006....
CW,
I feel your pain. I almost wonder if your Husband's family are my in-laws!!!
The same thing happened to me. Once I was married my Husband, those that were 'friends' in the family were now my true enemies. I was all worked up over their rare visit to our house over the weekend and to my surprise, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I have to note, I was medicated.
I've sworn since the day I married my Husband that the only reason I would ever leave him would be because of his family. Then, I started to think that they would 'win' if I did. I will never let them win!
I will be thinking of you on Thanksgiving. I hope everything goes well for you and that you're able to post that it went better than you had thought. I'm looking forward to reading a happy ending.
Daily
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JayneBond said on Nov 21, 2006....
Hahahahaha I thought I had it bad. I have the other end of the spectrum. Nobody wants the homosexual coming to their Thanksgiving. I understand this as most of the women I have dated are not out and have spent many Turkey days with other gay friends as opposed to family. And the ones that are out usually no longer associate with their families, thus why we have Turkey day with each other. Unfortunately being homosexual is still considered an embarrasment, as my family feels. Although recently I have been once again allowed to come to family dinner, much to IPJ's chagrin, her family is still in the denial process, and refuses to acknowledge me as any thing other than a "friend". It's difficult to not show affection for one another as we are very much in love, and plus we have kids, which confuses the hell out of the non-nuclear family members, because it is obvious to most that I am gay. Since IPJ put her foot down and demanded that I come to Turkey day at her house I get similar complaints Creative Woman about dish duty, only with me, there is no way to please them: if I do all the dishes they get mad at me for doing too much, but if I do nothing then I have lead hands. No matter what I do or say the Grandmother Matriarch snarls some snide remark my way- because they are against my religion, my gender identity, the fact my family is not wealthy and that I am Aryan, and her family affluent Jewish. I basically drink a lot of bourbon and just smile and nod, and ignore the incendiary remarks they lob my way. I figure it is just one day out of time where you have to suck it up and put on a happy face even though you wish you could beat everyone to a pulp with the drumstick!hahahha,JB -
CreativeWoman said on Nov 21, 2006....
Mimi,
I think I could tolerate them if I only saw them a few times a year. Thanks for your kind thoughts.
daily,
You are more stubborn than me, but I do relate about not wanting the in-laws to win. I think one of these days I'll just let mine win. In essence, they already have.
JB,
It sounds pretty rough for you too. We don't have liquor at the in-law's dinner. They are too devout for that. If they did, I might end up telling them to kiss me where the sun don't shine. That wouldn't be very nice of me. :-)
CW
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purrrkitten said on Nov 23, 2006....
Sadly, it sounds like you are stuck with them for as long as you're with your husband. Since (according to your other posts) he seems still firmly attached to them, you'll have to deal with them unless you are willing to put your foot down and refuse to have anything to do with them.
I've been there and done that in the past (X no. 2 was like that). These days I am stronger. If you're gonna treat me like crap, I'm not wasting my time with you. I'd rather have my own, personal and special meal all to myself (hubby is welcome to join or go as he pleases) that I can be truly thankful for. I'd say that I hope it gets better but I already know (as this has been going on for years) that it won't. I'm sorry CW. Be strong. Tell 'em all where to go!!
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dailyachesandpains said on Nov 23, 2006....
CW,
Just waiting to hear how it went. I hope it went well!
Daily
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Mamie said on Nov 24, 2006....
hey CW, Happy T'giving weekend!I used to be tortured like you with the other side of our family. As a matter of fact they actually said to my face a few years ago, :well, we just tolerate you". The thing was tho, that all these holidays were at MY house. So, after two years of struggling and fretting over the "how it should be's", we no longer do that.The holidays no longer exist for them to torture me. Even my husband is fine with it all. Last night, at my parent's home, he excused himself and called his parents respectfully to wish them a nice day. But we do not allow them to drag us down and I certainly enjoy the holidays now that I am not required to be the scape goat.Yes, it took some time for my husband and me to figure it all out. But once I drew the line, we were no longer slaves to their oppression and we ALL felt better. I have no idea how they feel about it and I feel sorta bad, coz they will wake up one day and wonder what happened. They have not been to my home for 4 years now. And I don't miss them.The last time they were here, I took a half an ativan and didn't start any of the cooking until they arrived. Plenty of wine later...it was a real feast!! Good luck!! -
NotReallyAnonymousAJ said on Nov 28, 2006....
Sounds to me as if you ended up with the wrong family--including your husband. How one EARTH did the two of you EVER get together!?! -
Crionna said on Dec 28, 2007....
Ouch! Jeez, I wish you were my daughter or daughter-in-law. I am trying so hard to love my son-in-law and his family but while they were nice before the wedding to my daughter they now feel they can openly hate me. My daughter seems so embarassed by this, particularly since she became a mother in July, that she treats me coldly, distantly as if she wishes I was just what they wanted. The funny thing is he's a music teacher and so lovable with everyone else! One bone of contention is that he wants my husband and I to give them money all the time and we can't so he comments on everything he hears that I spend on!!! Grrrrr! I want to contribute love and admiration for him but he pushes me away. Wish I had a family to love beyond my husband, that is.
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