There’s a serious plague affecting our entire planet that has been ignored for far too long. Cats. Everywhere you go, a cat is rubbing it’s oversexed body against your leg leaving slimy residue all over your now ruined clothes. Millions of babies die every year from cats sucking the life out of them during the nighttime. Bloody and violent back alley cat fights injure countless innocent humans every night. And who hasn’t wretched their dinners up after witnessing the spectacle of cat copulation? Few things in life are more disgusting. But what is the solution? Cat eradication.

TCESOA, The Cat Eradication Society of America was founded one year ago by two people with a dream and a vision.

The dream: A life without cats.
The vision: A simple and inexpensive way to finally free the world of cats forever!

As usual, with any daring, liberal or unheard of new idea, the first hurtle TCESOA had to overcome was the cat lovers and animal rights activists screaming “Cruelty to animals! In-humane!”

Since TCESOA is an advocate of Freedom of Speech, these catfuckers and perverts have the right to say what they want and we can’t and won’t do anything about it. What we CAN do is eliminate their worries and alleviate their fears by proving to these do-gooders, that TCESOA is NOT inhumane or cruel. No, TCESOA is KIND and NICE to the doomed feline population. How so?

After years of experimentation and countless failures, TCESOA finally stumbled upon what we feel is truly a humane way of euthanizing cats…by eliminating fear. And the best way to eliminate fear is to take away all methods of sensing fear….their five senses. This method, using permanent sensory deprivation, allows the cats to peacefully close their blinded eyes, lay their teethless, tongueless heads down on a pillow and go to sleep forever.

Stage one: FLOATING ON A CLOUD OF BLISS
All cats arriving for eradication at the TCESOA Euthanizing Center are usually in a state of high anxiety. This obviously can cause a lot of harm to our “nurses” working the assembly lines and conveyer belts as these wild cats can scratch an eye out without missing a beat. So to solve this problem, we expose the hysterical animals to a vat of steaming ether. Since ether causes a sensation of not being able to breath, we only expose the cats to the ether for no more than two minutes. That way we don’t inadvertently kill the animals, but just render them unconscious, allowing our nurses to safely handle the cats through the rest of the euthanasia process.

Stage two: Touch
Through our experiments, we’ve found that sometimes, although rarely, a cat will break through the ether state and attempt to scratch or tear the throat out of one of our nurses. So whilst peacefully unconscious, we take the opportunity to de-claw each animal, therefore providing a safe and healthy environment for our thousands of nurses.

Stage three: Taste
De-clawing takes care of scratches but does not take care of an animal biting a human! After the de-clawing process, the cats are moved via conveyor belt to the de-teething room. Here, we have thousands of highly trained “dental extractionists” who quickly and effortlessly snap the teeth right out of each animal with very very little damage and very very little pain to the animals. Simultaneously, our extractionists take a customized pair of scissors and snip the tongue off the animal, removing the sensation of taste. And taste could cause a cat to yearn or long for food, which would be very inhumane and cruel.

Stage four: Hearing
Next for the clawless, teethless, and tongueless cats is an area we are most excited about. Through revolutionary technology, we have come up with the most humane way to eliminate the biggest source of fear: Hearing loud noises. Our scientists and engineers have created a small, ice pick like tool that when inserted into the ear canal of a cat and lightly tapped with a rubber mallet, quickly and painlessly destroys the eardrum and therefore eliminates the ability to hear sounds from these animals.

Stage five: Sight
The last step of preparation before the final eradication is the elimination of sight. When you don’t see something coming your way, how can you be fearful or anxious about it? By using the EXACT SAME ICE PICK TOOL USED FOR EARDRUM BURSTING, thus saving millions of dollars, our trained nurses simply pop each eye on the cats and forever remove the last traces of fear!

Final stage: Eradicate
Let’s quickly recap. We started off with truckloads full of wild, hissing and mad animals with claws and fur flying everywhere. After rendering the cats unconscious, we have removed their claws, their teeth and tongue, eliminated their ability hear and removed their eyes. Since the animals can still feel pain, we quickly do a sort of spinal cutting on the necks of the animals, hopefully severing all nerve communications with the pain center of the cats brain. The animals are then exposed to a chemical that wakens them from their ether induced unconsciousness.

Once each animal is awake, we move them into the final room: The Pool of Electricity. Here, the animals are dropped into a vast room holding about six inches of extra ionized water. An electrical charge is then sent through the water and within twenty minutes, the cats are peacefully gone from our world forever.

The TCESOA Euthanizing Center can easily process over 20,000 cats per day and employs over 90,000 qualified and highly paid employees. We offer daily tours of our site and encourage families to visit and BRING YOUR CAT! We’ll even film your experience and send a customized DVD to you FREE! If each and every one of us does our part, we can have a cat free society in less than five years. And THAT is a future worth living for.