My interview for a US Visa was yesterday. And I got the blue form. And all day long my mind is filled with the what ifs. And sorrow. Not immediately after, but today. 12 hours after I got the verdict. Talk about delayed reaction. I do remember finding myself staring into space at the airport. And feeling numb. I couldn't even bring myself to read the book I brought, which I, if I may add, found so engrossing before the interview.

Before the interview, I spent my time reading Knife of Dreams. After? I just wanted to go home, eat and catch up on my sleep. I was really sleepy. I slept at the couch in Delifrance at the airport, on the plane, in the taxi, and at home.

Yesterday I received a lot of text messages and missed calls. All from people who wanted to know how the interview went. Everybody wanted all the details. While I just wanted to be left alone. So I didn't reply nor return those calls. As a result, I found my brother waiting up for me at home. I knew he had an inkling of how it all went. Else, I would have told him long before then. I gave him a sketchy description of what went on, what sort of questions were posed, etc. Then I went upstairs to my room and slept. My mom called this morning, trying to console me (she talked to my brother beforehand).

Honestly, the whole thing was not that big a deal. But there is something about being rejected that messes me up inside. It doesn't matter how much I wanted it or not, I JUST HATE REJECTION. When I feel rejected, I take it personally. I perceive it as telling me that there is something wrong with me. Which is why I haven't done a lot of things that people my age have done or experienced. I'd rather live through those experiences through others. I've never been in a relationship, because rejection is similar to getting dumped.

I know. People would start telling me that I can't go through life without getting rejected at some point. But I can't help being afraid. I am too scared. Scared of people, of my family, of disappointing my family, my friends, of telling the truth, and failing.