When I was younger I used to argue for American rights. Being an American and things slowly sliding down hill it was natural to do so. I was upset and angry at what I saw as the slow end of times. I was however hopeful that the other Americans were doing the same thing as I was. Maybe Americans old enough to vote, as I was not. I remember telling my mother about things like the first Iraq war, the increased military budget, all the while homeless people were hanging around the street corners in ever increasing numbers. I asked her why no one was making a stink about it, and how such bad leaders could come to power. I was naive, I think anyway. She told me, it is because they have jobs, and when you have a job you don't have time to think about who your leader is, as long as you are getting a paycheck you are lucky and should be thankful. I took what she said and thought about it, if that was true, why was it that people had so little time to vote, let alone think about what they were voting for? I tried to argue with her that people just need to demand more pay and less hours, that women didn't used to work and the world got by just fine. She told me there were others who would work for less. Nothing could be done, it was a lost cause, there was no hope in protest, no hope in fighting, no hope in standing up, because as soon as someone did, they would be without a job and living on the street like so many others. It made me angry, and sick to be honest. I was not that great in school, and to be honest, when I was there I didn't pay much attention to history. However I did know that things were going down the drain, children without parents due to working two jobs each, no money for school supplies, classmates bringing guns to school because no one was paying attention. I heard my first word of kids being out of control and then someone cried video games, rock music, movies, even at sixteen I knew that was bullshit and it was because there were no more parents, just providers. There were only workers, and workers in training. A teacher who was a friend of mine I met on the internet told me that school isn't meant to enrich children, it isn't meant to be fun, it is to give them the raw basics to provide service to society. There was no other purpose to learning, all should be for work, work and companies. Keeping the machine moving, always moving, always working. I admit I thought she was full of it and asked another teacher from a public school "what is the point of school?", and she replied "to make sure you fill your roll in society." to which I asked "Roll in society?" and she said "Yes, your roll as a worker. People need to prove service to society and that is what school teaches.". Now I wasn't stupid, I knew you needed a job and further needed an education to get and hold that job. However the tone both teachers had, was that I had already built up a debt to society, one which I had better be prepared to repay or I would be paved over.". They didn't seem quite right in the head, and it concerned me that both had explained it in the same way and tone. These were who were educating those future adults, the ones who would have no time, the ones who would vote for whoever was a democrat or had a nice smile, as long as they could work. I wasn't very keen on school, and spent a lot of time at home, away from school, just enough to keep passing, early on, later on more time was spent at school. After about 6th grade, I left however. I just, was not compatible with their way of teaching, their ideals constantly rubbed me the wrong way, and saying anything to that fact meant being verbally abused and ridiculed. I am now in my late 20s, I am a deadbeat collecting money from the government because two shrinks and some lady say I'm not fit to join society any time soon. I'm not all right up there. Big surprise. The journey has been an interesting one, spanning several states. I think I've done alright for myself thus far. I believe I gained a degree of independent thought as part of being away from the constant brainwashing school provided, or maybe I was already independent and just couldn't cope with it. Either way, I got a spend a lot of time just thinking, day dreaming, considering different things. I believe such to have enriched my mind, made me more aware of not only what is going on outside my home, but what is also happening inside me. There is however a cost to this childhood, and it has a penalty which I feel I am ever so quickly approaching. I am for a great degree, unable to function in society, I don't know how, it seems people think differently than I do. I value time to think, time to catch my breath. While the people around me seem to be frantically rushing from one place to another just trying to find a couple minutes of free time once they get home before bed. I don't think I can function in that world. However, the money I get from the government is not enough to live on, not even a minimal income housing project with a roommate I doubt I would even have money for electric. I suppose it is enough to live in an apartment with a roommate with no electric, but that tends to be rather fatal where I live from the heat, and anyway I believe it is now illegal here to not have electric. The prospect I admit has taken me to the edge of my life more than once and recently, it seems things are staying there. If I cannot exist in society and cannot exist outside it, then I will cease to exist, it makes sense to me. Then I haven't been brainwashed that I should somehow break my back and soul just to put food on the table, and take pills, and watch tv where the news man tells me to be scared but not too scared to be ok with everything going on. I haven't been brainwashed that life has some magical value just from being part of it. It is all bullshit and I've about had enough of it and I'm not even there yet. So where am I going with this little look into my past, the future of course. Tonight I was sitting here watching people argue about drug programs and the brainwashing in schools that all drugs are evil unless prescribed by a doctor, or unless you are an adult and the drug is taxed such as coffee, alcohol, and tobacco. It got me to thinking about where society is, where it was, and where it seems to be going. As of this writing, George Bush is the leader of the US and working on becoming the leader of most of the world. I believe that the total collapse of the country is approaching, several countries have their eyes on us, and the way Bush is running everything into the ground, soon everything will have to fall apart. But what about hope? I used to have hope, for years growing up I had hope that people would change things, they would say, this is enough, and it would end, maybe in a civil war. Later this would, changed to a could, people could fight back if they wanted. Later it changed to a maybe, maybe people when pushed around enough would fight back when given no other choice. This has however faded into a hopeless "probably not" and definitely not in my life time. I can no longer see people standing up against the government. Sure there are the vocal ones which decry what Bush is doing. Maybe they are doing what I am doing right now and writing a little essay about what went wrong or how many are dying in the war. However the fact remains the ever growing majority couldn't care less about what is happening directly to them, let alone what some stranger without a job, who cannot function in society is saying. I'm just another crack pot, another anti-American, maybe I'm even a terrorist this day and age, seems everyone has that chance now. Where once it was "give me your tired and wary masses" now it is "join American for a free chance to become a terrorist of the state! and sign up for a chance to win a free trip to guamanian bay! some restrictions apply, not valid for VIPs or people just visiting from overseas unless of Muslim decent." I keep thinking, I signed up for this? Wait, there wasn't a draft... I'm in the middle of a war, my life is on the line, and I have no home to go back to, and I have no idea how I got put into this mess. However tonight, I thought of something different, something in contrast to my life, to just stop trying. Not just me, everyone like me, to just, shut the hell up. As cold as it sounds, I honestly think we lost, free thought, hope, happiness, it is dead, all dead. There are the workers, the supporters, the soldiers, and then there are people like me. Society has paid very little attention to itself, there is more excitement over a new Mcdonalds then over a new program to help inner-city schools. People are so deep in the hole, that they not only cannot see daylight, they have forgotten what daylight looked like in the first place. Maybe we should just, give up, maybe at this point in life, it is better that way. The guy down the street doesn't know what dangers are coming for him, he doesn't have time to think, he only needs to worry when tv tells him to. He is a good worker, he puts food on the table for his family. He could careless about gay rights, the first amendment or why we really went to war. He is living in a dream, in illusion. My question is, why bother waking him up? We cannot wake them all, he will just be where we are, frantically watching as the country he was raised to believe in tears itself apart bit by bit. Why make him face what he most likely cannot change, all it can really do is hurt him. I learned this the hard way recently. I shared a film with my family, I won't say which, about a poison in everyday life that most people don't know about. I told myself at worst, I did my part, at best maybe they will change their habits and live safer. No. They didn't change their habits. They worried for a week about it, but didn't avoid it, it was too much effort, a few days later they forgot all about it. It was just too much to deal with something bad which was right in their face, they rather have not known. I am beginning to believe it would have been better if I never told them. It did no good, and only served to cause them a week of worry. I thought about handing this film out at malls for free, I've changed my mind. I believe the fall of America is coming the same as the fall of Rome. I don't think people can stop it anymore. Knowing about it, would just be like facing the train coming down the tracks yet being unable to move. Personally, I wish I never knew there was a train at all. Then I would be like them, living in a little fantasy world, struggling to survive and telling myself every day that I am happy and doing good. I would be a hard worker. Then one day, everything would just end, my country would fall apart, and I would cower in my basement waiting for foreign troops to find and kill me. It would beat thinking about and knowing about it. Time to prepare you say? Prepare for what? I ask. The future doesn't look rosy anymore, the sky is clouded over and I swear it is going to rain blood soon. While there are those who would rather know what is going to happen and when so they can live accordingly, in truth it just makes people tense. When I thought my mother was going to die of cancer it didn't make life any easier, every day was one day less, and even with spending more time, there was still this shadow over it all, of reality cutting its way into our lives. She didn't die, the cancer is in remission. Life is grand, or is it, seems I'm always stressed out about something because there is always something wrong. I'd rather not know about it, I'd rather not even know it is an option to know. Just let me be happy, these could be my last days and I want to think about growing old, not what horrible new bill will be signed into law next week ending criticism of Bush. Have you ever wondered what childhood is? In America for the most part, childhood didn't exist before the 1950's. Children were in school, or worked their family farm, or worked in factories, children worked. Then came child labor laws, it was no longer alright to take away all their time and work them into the ground. The childhood formed, kids could be, kids. Up to that point, adults didn't really care about childhoods, life was hard, food had to be put on the table. After childhood took root, why weren't the adults protesting it tooth and nail? Come today, it is unimaginable to think of children not having a childhood, and a happy one at that. It seems so natural and everyone is doing it. Why is it so proper now, and was unthinkable before child labor laws? Because people didn't think about it, it was just life. So why isn't it just life now, why do kids seem to need a childhood? I don't care about the law, why are people so defending of it. It is because deep down they know life is a crock, and work is hell, and that all fun ends when you grow up, life ends when you grow up. So best to give a person, what little joy they will have in their entire life, when it is legal to do so, because God knows what society will do to them the minute they are on their own. So should we take away childhoods, take away their fun, their hopes and dreams? They are human, they should be taught how bad life is going to be, they should break their backs before hand so that they aren't hit with it all at once. This isn't how we think though is it? It is best to give them their fun time, to let them smile. So why then does it change for adults, they are in a second childhood, it is a fantasy, it doesn't exist, but it is still a form of childhood, a denial of reality. Why wake them from their little sandboxes and tell them life sucks, deep down somehow I think they already know. Just like a child knows when daddy is upset at this months electric bill and doesn't think he can put gas in the car. Yet adults comfort children as best as possible and tell them everything will be ok, what good is it for them to worry, they cannot do anything about it. Childhood doesn't still exist however, we think it does, we still call it that but it was destroyed, crushed, torn apart. It is an illusion for a different form of work. Instead of children working now, they train now, work later. Nothing changed. Childhood is the opposite of what it means to be a good person, a hard worker. Working endlessly to be able to afford the only meal which they have time to eat, fast food or something from a box. It is an endless beast and whereas people should be running for their very lives, screaming and getting out of the way of the monster they stand sit helpless behind a red light hoping they get to work on time as the monster rolls over them. So I'm saying to myself, and everyone else. I think there is a time when you just need to bury your hopes and dreams, and wait for the ending, and being aware of it, is just going to add to the suffering. Give people their chance at "happiness", let them take their happy pills, and be scared of the news, just let them live. Have I been brainwashed too? God I hope so, maybe all this thinking will end soon and I'll get a job and become productive and won't ever "think" again. I pray for that. Shouldn't you? Shouldn't everyone?