Where do I begin? Saturday had started out somewhat typically. It looked like it would end typically as well. I went to bed thinking that Sunday was going to be just another day. I was wrong…
It stared out innocently enough. I lay awake, staring at the ceiling. My wife asked what was on my mind. I told her that I still wasn’t happy. We started talking again. One thing led to another, and it became an argument. I don’t even remember how it became an argument. It just did. And it got ugly. I told her that I do love her, but I am not in love with her anymore. This set her off badly. She threw a wobbler right then and there…
More things were said. Stupid, hurtful things. It got so bad that I said I was leaving. Right then and there. I was getting dressed, going to go look for a hotel for the night. Then I was going to come back in the morning to get my things and put them in storage…
She stopped me from going. She begged me not to leave. She said she’d kill herself if I left right then…
I took her very seriously. I calmed her, trying to talk her back down. She’s been there before, but for different reasons. But we continued to argue, and it came up once more. So I told her to go ahead. I hate myself for doing so, but I did.
And she didn’t.
But she’d caught my attention. And I don’t know that she wouldn’t as soon as I left…
We spent the next several hours talking both ourselves down from the edge. I told her how I felt. How empty I feel inside. How it’s been building up for so long and no matter how hard we have been trying, it’s not helping. But she insists on trying harder…
I took the past couple of days off work, leaving a message that said it was for ‘personal reasons.’ I owe apologies to a few people that I probably worried with that. I am sorry. But I didn’t have time to elaborate…
The past couple of days have been spent talking and trying to rationalise everything at home. I’m still considering walking out, but I don’t know that I can right now without her doing something foolish. It’s emotional blackmail, I know. I know she said it to get me to stop. But I’m not convinced she wouldn’t follow through if I do leave…
But we reached a point in our talking. She knows how unhappy I am. She knows that what she’s doing now may be too little and too late. Or even too much all at once. Neither of us really knows. It’s like she’s trying to fill a cracked and empty bucket. Each act of kindness and caring she is showing now won’t fill the whole void that’s built up over the years, and the damage still remains... She knows this now.
So we both understand that we are giving it one last go. We’re thinking of giving it a few weeks, but have set no specific time limit. If I tell her it’s over, she won’t try to stop me. She said won’t threaten suicide again (and I hope to whatever gods that may be listening that she doesn’t consider it). She said we would sit down and try to figure out how to make it as painless a break as we can…
All through this, I keep remembering the look in her eyes. I remember her words. Right now, I am convinced she won’t try to take her own life. But I don’t know if she would do so later. Right now I am staying so that I know she is fully stabilised…
I know I’ve been manipulated to a certain degree. But my conscience wouldn’t allow me to do anything else…
