I could see from my alarm that I had at least another hour to sleep, but the tumble dryer was on again, the one inside my head, with damp thoughts heating up. Will I ever find a decent job? What is reading wrong on my resume or is it my cover letter? Why does the phone never ring? Am I ever going to find the meaningful career I’ve spent my life studying for and dreaming of? My work experiences have led me to what seems like a natural next step: I want a career in public relations. I uncover my head from the mashed pillow, fan kick off my covers and glare at the ceiling. Should I make myself some coffee? I look down at the teddy bear in my arms, his eyes say, “Yes, that would be good.” It’s time to get up.
I plod over to my computer, the coffee machine makes gurgling and choking noises – I’m not surprised, it must have been a year since I used it. I gave up coffee. Actually, I traded coffee for energy drinks, the same way I traded wine for kombucha (fermented organic tea). We make small changes in our lives and altogether they make us evolve as people. I’m a better person now, right? I’ve been working on it. So, why wont anyone hire me?
The harmony of twinging tones as each window pops up on my computer screen has become so familiar in the morning that I find them comforting. Today’s wave of occupational self-improvement was directed at the cover letter document I pulled up. I must have used it to apply for more than 15 jobs and along with the rest of the package I was putting out there clearly it wasn’t working. A fresh (albeit groggy) set of eyes to see it, the need to be succinct, create a more professional tone and to directly address what I think may be the problem:
“Although my background may sound unconventional, I believe I would be an asset to your team because my work experience and education may make me more prepared, than someone who has focused exclusively in public relations, when it comes to problem solving and handling immediate situations.”
It was like every other day, I’d spend the next three hours pouring over internet job boards: Craig’s List, Monster.com, Career Builder.com, and Hotjobs.com. The whole process: disheartening, exhausting and dehumanizing. As I look in my sent e-mail box, with 25 maybe 35 e-mails applying for positions I feel a shallow and chilling sense of certainty that I probably won’t be hearing back from them these people either. I try to rationalize it as all part of my plan: increasing my odds by casting a bigger net so that eventually, one day. I will get that call.
On Thursday I got the call. An internship to work in a boutique PR firm that deals with high fashion, beauty, and celebrity clients. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in career, since I was old enough to have real dreams about working, I knew I would be perfect for the fashion and the entertainment industry. For me it was a dream I gave up because it seemed as impossible as being discovered and becoming a famous actress in Hollywood. Not that I couldn’t do the work, it just didn’t seem practical or real. When I went for the interview, saw the space, the work they were doing and was told what I would be involved in I saw a dream coming true. I also saw all the other applications on his desk and the other girls coming in and out for interviews.
Within 24 hours I’d gotten the call, secured an interview after being grilled over the phone, prepared my credentials from resume, references, fashion portfolio to my dance company’s demo video, gone in for an interview in which I’d given everything of myself I could think to give, and was back on the subway going home. I would find out by the end of the weekend and start as soon as Monday. And somehow I felt worse now from having gotten the call then I did all those weeks of being silently rejected. Now I knew what was possible and how much I wanted it, and I wanted to go back to that state of ignorance of not knowing how good it COULD get.
Never the quitter. It’s the only way I’ve survived in dance school recently: by never giving up. I’ve come so far from the girl who stood at the back of the studio, hiding behind the reflections of other dancers, following the steps from watching their backsides, feeling completely lost and incompetent, wanting to run out of the room instead of being forced to show my missteps in front of the other dancers. I never even saw myself dance because I was too afraid to look. Somehow just by going back every, single week, I figured it out. I learned that I needed to stand where I could see the teacher and see myself in the mirror. I needed to watch other dancers to learn from them, but the only cues I should follow had to come from inside me. I had to make mistakes, but first I had to be allowed to make mistakes out loud in order to learn. I needed to be corrected but to take it as indication of something not working but not of my complete failure. I had questions that needed answering if I was going to go from understanding nothing to knowing my stuff. I’m not all the way there, but I’m working it and feeling dance on a level I never did before I challenged myself to become a more trained dancer. I thought it was too late for that, that I was too old. Where I thought there was no more opportunity, I found it.
Now what I’m trying to do is find that same courage and perseverance to approach another seemingly hopeless situation. I feel similarly about myself as a desirable employee the way I did when I first started dancing Hip Hip Jazz. I knew I was talented but I had no proof. I just wish I could have the chance to make it happen!
MikoFabulous posted on Oct 15, 2006
| views: 433
Comments
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missb said on Oct 15, 2006....
Job hunting can be very frustrating. I once tried to look for a job in Singpore and failed miserably. Mostly because companies can't be bothered issuing a work permit for a foreigner :/
I'm sure you'll get a job soon, Miko. Might not be the dream job, but it's a start. It'll be a stepping stone for you to get what you want. Sadly, sometimes we have to settle for less in order to achieve more. Good luck!!
Cheers :)
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MikoFabulous said on Oct 15, 2006....
OH thanks Miss B. I know that everyone goes through it at least once in their lives. I guess this is my turn to be on that path. How did you survive it? Not just the financial toll, but the toll on your spirit?
I haven't heard back from this company YET. Here's to hoping!
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RollingC said on Oct 15, 2006....
wish you luck...getting that dream job means putting up with lots of nightmare ones before...but don't let that get you down...
been there before and it's not fun... Think Positive...that helps
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missb said on Oct 15, 2006....
Well, I just went back home :)
I thought that I've tried and didn't make it (I was practically kicked out of the country cause my permit exceeded the normal time), so I just packed it in and moved on...
Anyway, hope you'll get the call soon :)
Cheers!
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secretlife said on Oct 15, 2006....
Miko- I have no doubt in my mind- not a single doubt- that you will have the job you so longingly seek. Anyone would be lucky to have someone with all you have to give working on their side.
i don't need proof....it's easy enough to see by what you write.
My fingers and toes are crossed for you-
But either way, dont be discouraged- it WILL happen.
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MikoFabulous said on Oct 15, 2006....
RollingC: Thank's for your encouragement. I have had so many "colorful" jobs. I've been a researcher (in psychology), an advertising sales executive, a wedding co-ordinator, a free-lance make-up artist, the director of my own dance company . . . I didn't "quit" any of these jobs because I hated them, they just came to an end and when they did I moved on with what I learned. I feel like I could be turning a corner here, working in PR in fashion and entertainment, the culmination of all my efforts in different directions.
When I went in for that interview I kept saying to myself:
"This is perfect for you. This is what you're all about. This is everything you've been waiting for. Now go get the job! This is your job."
But when I saw the other girls there for the interview and did the math I lost a lot of that confidence. Suddenly I felt like I was in a pageant. Sure I could make it to the top 5, but I wasn't sure I could actually win Miss Dream Job!I know I didn't say or do anything stupid during the interview, but did I do enough?
I'll be waiting for the call.
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MikoFabulous said on Oct 15, 2006....
Secretlife: It's people like you that make it possible for people like me to "stay in business" so to speak. Thank you for believing in me and yes, it does mean something because I know you read practically everything I write from the good, the bad to the ugly and the not so very funny. I think I would be an awesome asset to a company that would give me a chance, but it's hard to stand out when you're just another piece of paper across their desk.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just going through all of this to become a better writer. In fact, it always occurs to me: am I not getting a career in PR as God's way of saying, "Still waiting for that book"?
I'm trying to remind myself that with or without that job there's no guarantee of happiness. The person who gets the job could end up totally miserable because of circumstances related or unrelated to the job. That person could be me. I could have this one thing go right, but if everything else were to go wrong I could still end up miserable. So for me or "her", this job is no guarantee for happiness.
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secretlife said on Oct 15, 2006....
You know Miko....I think the process means something-
it matters.
it's so hard in life because at every turn you are returned to 'just a number" 'just another resume','just another patient'...the trick is to remember, when others forget, that you are SOOOOO MUCH MORE.
My fingers/toes are still crossed.....i will let you know when the cramping begins!
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MikoFabulous said on Oct 15, 2006....
Secretlife you are SO CUTE! Your kids are so lucky to have a Mom like you! I haven't even told my Mom. I've held off calling her. I don't want to disappoint her in case I don't get it.
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silverwhisper said on Oct 15, 2006....
good luck, miko. :>
ed
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scalywag said on Oct 15, 2006....
I hope it works out for you Miko
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MikoFabulous said on Oct 15, 2006....
Otherwise, I guess we'll be reading a piece ON THE NATURE OF. . . disappointment. (~Ha Silver? Can I?)
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boyzmom said on Oct 15, 2006....
I think being a hiring manager must be a difficult job because there are people who cannot prove that they are a good fit for a job but really would be.
Good luck on your search and thanks for reminding me that there is a perfect job out there for someone with a variety of experiences.
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MikoFabulous said on Oct 16, 2006....
Thank you SOULCAST FRIENDS, for showing me so much love! I know there have been times I've written blogs about being down, but this was something so much more specific and personal as to what's going on in my life and it felt good to share it with you and have those thoughts bounced back from people who understand that times like these, while not catastrophic, can be tough too. Thank you, thank you.
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JadeLondon said on Oct 16, 2006....
I think you'll do fine. I know how you feel quite well. I definitely feel that my, um, creditials are not fair representation of my abilities.
I wish I could say, 'Give me a few weeks. If I don't cut it--fire me."
Job hunting is painful for me. The thought of being told 'no' is enough to stop me dead in my tracks.
**sigh**
I really feel where you are coming from--and I wish you well.
I think it is really cool that you are a dancer, as well. I always wanted to do that sort of thing as a child. I was encouraged to other things and would be far too shy to try now.
There must be a wonderful liberation in it.
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secretlife said on Nov 09, 2006....
Hey Miko, we're all waiting to hear how it went. We'll love you either way, cause we all know you are fabulous!
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sunsethue said on Nov 09, 2006....
hey girl... how have u been? just dropped by to say hi.