I think that as we form into adults, that the tolls life takes on us leaves a deeper notch in our souls than when we were younger. Many people have told me that as we age, life just becomes more difficult. So far, I have found truth in this statement. During adolescence, my self mutilatory behavior caught me more grief and pressure than a top tier college prepatory school and a three season sport did. Each junior year someone would commit suicide because the pressure was just too much, death just seemed to tempt us and leave us on the edge of our seats. Although during those years I did not contemplate the depths of a suicidal future, it seemed that my self mutilatory behavior was a sufficient punishment for all the people I had dissapointed. I think Elizabeth Wurtzel said it best when describing the mental torture that one goes through when in a depression: "...occasionally I wish I could walk through a picture window and have the sharp, broken shards slash me to ribbons, so I would finally look as I felt. Thats the things about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it's impossible to ever see the end. The fog is like a cage without a key. I wonder if any of them can tell from looking at me that all I am is the sum total of all my pain, a raw wonderness so extreme that it might be terminal..." She goes on to say that its those who love you or those who have had a glimpse into your heart, that know that something is missing. They can tell that you no longer have a heart or a soul. They feel it too, and it kills them. I can now understand what my parents went through seeing me in that state of mental torture. I can fathom it now because my mom is very sick. This sickness has made her step onto the other side. I can see it in her eyes, like an open book, I can read her every thought. And I wonder to myself if she's thinking the same thoughts I am. I don't really care who you are...at one point in your life you must've thought about killing yourself. I mean I no longer engage in self-mutilatory behavior just because of the sheer fact that it freaks people out. And the only reason why it freaks people out is because they don't understand it. Outsiders who look in on a cutter should really think about how much pain the person is going through to do something like that to themselves. The whole point of it is to really just release all the tension, pressure, and pain that embeds itself deep inside the soul that I call I. There is so much inner turmoil shoved in there and the pain is just so...unbearable.