Have you ever felt that you are on a path to self destruction?  That you know that you are making the wrong choices as you are making them but you can't help but do it and push the consequences out of your mind for that moment?  I have been living in that very dangerous place lately.  I am not proud of it but I am there.  I fear every day lately that it is all about to come crashing in on me and that the good grace of God that it hasn't yet may be running out.   I hope for an end to all...not that I want the house of cards to come crashing on in but that I just have a loop hole out of it.  I know it is a fucked up thing to admit but truthfully I hope that I will just not wake up in the morning most nights that I go to sleep anymore.  Obviously this is causing problems with my sleep paterns as well.  I am not going to kill myself...I am much to cowardly for that....ok that was jokingly said ...the cowardly part so no over-reations please....if anyone is even reading this crap that I write any way.  Shit this is a bad time to be writing I think.  I am hopped up on stupid energy pills again and way too much of them and some booze thrown in the mix.  My stomache is already regretting my decision for me on that.  Ah well.... I try to stay awake because I am told I fall asleep too early lately so unless I take something I will doze off early.  Funny thing though I go through this and the person I did it for went to bed early tonight. Now isn't that some bullshit. Ugh..I don't want him to get mad and leave me but truthfully once our lease is up I am out of this anyway.  I just don't want the drama before then so I am trying to ride things out.  Really I would like to work things out with him and stay together but I realize that he is the only important person in his world and I don't think that is changing anytime soon.  You see, I have come to realize that I love him truely and deeply but that he does not love me that way...or fuck maybe he just doesn't know how.  Either way I am not going to continue to give and give and bend and break for somewho who could give a shit about me.  Ramble Ramble Ramble...thank God for this outlet as it is one of the only ones I really have left and to anyone who suffered through reading this absolute nonsense that I've written tonight at 2:30 am my sincerest apologies.